[Kink] What’s Your Safeword?

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N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

I am a big believer in safewords. For all kinds of reasons and situations. When you’re involved in a variety of kinky activities all kinds of things can crop up during a scene that you can’t always foresee.

The safewords I use are non-negotiable. I won’t play without them and I won’t change them. I am used to them and I am confident I can use them. The system I use will be familiar to many of you as it is the traffic light system.

Red = Stop.

Yellow = Slow down/Something needs addressing.

Green = Go/Everything’s Awesome.

Some people may explain each colour different, but I think we all agree on red being an instant ‘stop now’. The other reason I like the traffic light system is that even if it isn’t used by everyone it is widely recognised. If someone shouted Red in the middle of an event, people would pay attention, if that person needed immediate assistance that is a great way for them to signal that.

In a previous dalliance someone insisted on me using a totally random safeword and it never, ever felt safe to me. As soon as the traffic light system was explained to me it instantly resonated with me and I decided that the fanciful safewords would no longer be part of my kinky play. That said I think it is incredibly important to use a system that works for you and your partner.

I’ve never yet had to safeword with Bakji, or with anyone else I’ve played with since joining my local community. That said I have had to stop play, and I have had to alert someone to an issue. I have always been able to communicate these things with having to safeword though. Bakji especially knows me well enough to know what is a claim that can be overridden and what is a genuine concern.

For example, I’m one of those people who repeats ‘no, stop and I can’t’ during certain activities, especially when Bakji does the things he does that make me squirt. I can’t seem to handle it without saying I can’t take it. I can take it and I do. But I need to say I can’t and I need him to ignore that. If I ever had a serious issue during that kind of play I know I’d most likely need to say ‘Red’. However during a rope scene for example I never use that kind of language, so if I start to say I can’t handle something, then it’s because there’s a problem. I have had to tap out of a rope scene before, both with Bakji and with MasterMHatter, in all those times I’ve verbalised the problem and I’ve been untied as soon as humanly possible.

The only time I’ve ever used ‘Red’ was before my time in the kink community and I was restrained in heels and one of my ankles became incredibly painful. It became so distracting I could no longer continue. Just removing the heels didn’t feel like an option because I wanted to be able to sort it out for myself, and move around on it. So the scene had to end.

I know we all have different approaches to safewords and when we should do it and in what dynamics it’s appropriate, but for me, being able to safeword is something everything has a right to and should be able to do knowing that it will be adhered to. Even if you’ve haven’t used a safeword in ten years, and you suddenly shout ‘red’ in the middle of a scene, I think everything should stop. Even if you’ve agreed to no safeword play. Sometimes something unexpected might happen and it my not be safe to continue.

As well as talking with our partner/s about what safewords we should use, I also think it’s worth discussing what you would do in the aftermath of safewording. I think many of us naturally feel a bit disappointed when we need to safeword. So I think it’s really important to come together and make sure that no one leaves the scene feeling like they did anything wrong. No one should ever be made to feel like they made the wrong choice by using their safeword. Aftercare isn’t a treat for successfully making it through a scene, it’s absolutely crucial to reassure and comfort someone when they have used their safeword.

One of the reasons I’ve seen people cite for why safewords are ‘not safe’ is that some people go nonverbal. Which is true. Things like gags will also alter your ability to communicate verbally. Which is why lots of people work in nonverbal ‘safewords’ to indicate there is an issue. I’ve heard of people dropping a set of keys (although I always feeling like would be uncomfortable to hold), Clicking a dog training clicker, hand signals (if possible) and a set of clear rhythmic grunts.

If you are someone who goes nonverbal during play and you also think you would be unable to drop anything, click anything or hand signal then I urge you to be very, very careful with who you play with. When we play with someone over a long period of time we become attuned to their reactions, the smallest changes can be a signal that something isn’t right, with someone new or unknown you do not have that luxury.

When I am Topping Bakji I am very careful to observe his reactions, and I’ve spent all the time we’ve played together learning what is ‘normal’ for him during play, anything that deviated from this would cause me to slow down and check in on him, anything that really worried me would cause me to stop. Certain types of play cause Bakji to go headlong in subspace, the result of this amongst other things is his body going really heavy and his body becoming very floppy. A floppy and heavy sub can be quite a daunting thing to be presented with. I’m not confident that in those moments Bakji could safeword if he needed too, even in a nonverbal manner. So I make it my responsibility to be extra vigilant. If these situations had occurred in our early days of play I would have stopped immediately, it has taken time to understand that these are safe responses for him. For many other people they would be utterly alarming, knowing your partner’s specific reactions is so important.

For me safewords are like a safety net, they’re there just incase something takes an unexpected turn, what comes before them though and what I put a lot more faith in is trust in a partner. If you use different safewords, or have different thoughts on them I’d love to hear about them.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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[Kink] Is 24/7 D/s Right For Me?

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N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

I’ve always known 24/7 wasn’t for me and as much as I respected other people’s decisions to do it, I could never quite get my head around it. Which is quite often the case I suppose when you can’t see the personal benefits to something for your specific situation. The past couple of weeks though I’ve encountered a personal situation that made me look at it in a different light.

You may have noticed that after a streak of posting daily, I suddenly went a bit quiet. The reason being, I was insanely tired. I don’t mean a little bit sleepy and I needed to catch up. I’m talking on the phone to the doctors in tears saying I cannot take another night of no sleep. I was at breaking point. I’m not entirely sure why, but I think prolonged overuse of coffee may have been a factor, as was an unfortunate run of lucid nightmares.

The doctor gave me a few sleeping tablets to try to kickstart some decent sleep, but this not a long-term solution. The doctor recommended a self-referral for CBT (the behavioural therapy kind, not the cock and ball kind) but the waiting list is crazy long and the team I will be referred to unfortunately do not have the best reputation. Meaning my best hope is to help myself.

This means a strict bedtime routine, strict and minimal use of coffee and implementation of a better morning routine. I’m not going to lie, even though I know this i for my own good, it’s hard to be tough on myself and make it happen. In those moments of feeling utterly desperate and thoroughly exhausted the idea of handing over the reigns to someone else who could offer me the guidance and structure I needed suddenly made a whole lot of sense. I wondered to myself if that is the appeal for some people.

It was easy to imagine how the structure, support and authority of a D-type would have made my struggles that little bit easier. Once I’d managed to access a part of myself that could relate to 24/7, it was a lot easier to understand how the rest could follow to.

I still don’t think it’s for me, and I’m not for one minute saying I’ve given an accurate portrayal of everyone’s 24/7 or anyone’s for that matter. I feel like I just accessed a part of myself that could understand it on some level, even if that level was my own.

Realistically though it isn’t for me. At least not right now. If I’ve learnt one thing in my time as a Kinkster it’s ‘never say never’. I never thought I’d be addicted to FemDom, but I totally am, so things really can change. For now though 24/7 isn’t for me.

A large part of why 24/7 isn’t for me being a Mum. I know there are people out their parenting and doing 24/7, so I’m not saying no-one can do it. I’m just saying I can’t do it. My son spends his time fairly evening between my house and his Dad’s house. When he is with me though, I am all his. In fact even when he isn’t with me I’m still his. He is my 24/7. No matter where I am or what I’m doing I would drop it all in a heartbeat if he needed me. I love being my sons Mum, but I’m not a natural maternal type, so it takes a lot out of me. I think in part that’s why I struggle to imagine offering myself to someone else on a 24/7 basis.

I know quite a few people who are 24/7 D/s, or M/s, and to that end I do understand that comprises are made, and real life does still intervene. So I’m not writing this from a place of thinking I’d never be able have five minutes to myself ever again. I also know that 24/7 encompasses many things for many people and like many things in BDSM is does appear to be a sliding scale, with some people being more relaxed about their approach and some people being very strict about everything it entails for them.

Thought it is worth noting that I have been craving stricter and more protocol based scenes, so perhaps I am on the slippery slope to wanting to be a 24/7 D-type. Who knows. Stranger things have certainly happened. If anyone has any experiences to share of how they came to engage in 24/7 D/s I’d love to hear it, either in the comments or with a link to a relevant blog post.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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[Kink] Figuring Out You Tasks and Rituals

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N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

This will be a short one, and also a request for ideas.

As anyone who has been reading along with these 30 Days of D/s posts or anyone who has read a variety of my posts on my blog will know, myself and Bakji don’t a formal D/s arrangement as such. It’s an in scene only, switchy dynamic. However for a little while now that switch dynamic has been flicked to FemDom.

Our scenes have a fair bit of variety to them. Sometimes I’m a sensual and loving Top and other times I’m power hungry, sadistic and aching to whisper humiliating things in Bakji’s ear. I enjoy both immensely, but neither of these come with tasks and rituals.

I’d imagine that tasks and rituals come into play for those people who have a more day-to-day D/s dynamic, but dammit, I want in. I want to find some sexy tasks and rituals we can incorporate into our scenes.

For the longest time I’ve wanted to think up a sexy mantra that Bakji can recite, and Honorifics have been on the list for a while too. I think with these I just need to get the ball rolling with them so that they become a natural part of our scenes.

We are about to take the plunge with chastity, not long-term, just in scene only. For now. *insert evil laugh here* I am ever hopeful that Bakji will love it so much we might be able to do it for at least a few days at a time! So I expect this might highlight some opportunities to tighten the rules a little bit.

Some of the other things we enjoy are body worship (especially bum and feet), humiliation (at the milder end but it’s still very sexy), edging, facesitting and restraint. More gets included too, but those are the main ones.

So my question to anyone reading, what are some of you favourite tasks and rituals? Especially if they involve any of the things I mentioned above. Even if they don’t though I’d still love to hear them.

I need inspiration folks, so please feel free to share any ideas you might have.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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[Kink] When a (D/s) Relationship Ends

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N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

I haven’t had a D/s relationship end as such since joining the kink scene. I have ended my interactions with people, and adjusted the parameters of play with people, and some kinky friendships and moved into more platonic realms. Those things either felt like an evolution of a friendship though, or the interaction I was ending didn’t feel like a ‘relationship’ to me.

I have however witnessed the end of many D/s relationships and that has given me some insight into how hard the end of a D/s dynamic can be. Especially for those people who are heavily involved in the kink community, it isn’t always that easy to create distance and time out from the person you are no longer involved with. Which can be exceptionally hard.

While I hope with all my heart that Bakji and I have many happy times ahead of us, I also acknowledge the fact that we may not always be together. I’ve done my fair share of believing in ‘forever’ when I was married and it still ended, despite the fact it would have been wonderful if it could have continued and for both of us to have been content. Relationships do end though, for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes we need to remove the people from our lives, but sometimes we want to keep them as a part of lives in some way too.

My marriage was not a D/s dynamic, but I desperately wanted to remain friends with my ex-husband. Partly because it makes child rearing together much easier, but also because I love him dearly and he was my best friend for 10 years, just removing him from my life would have been heartbreaking. I feel very blessed that he felt the same, despite being devastated by my decision to end the relationship.

I feel much the same about Bakji. I cannot imagine not being friends with him. I can imagine scenarios in which our lives might cause us to head in different directions, I can understand that one day we might want different things from life or from our relationships, either together or with others. In all those scenarios though, I always imagine us finding a way to be friends, even if it takes time, while we readjust to new situations and difference of feelings.

I know this sounds a bit idealistic, and lots of people will probably be reading this going ‘yeah that’s not going to happen’ or ‘it’s not always that easy’. The thing is though, is that I believe in our friendship. I believe it is strong enough to withstand the loss of romantic and sexual connection.

I also prepare for these eventualities in my mind. Not in a depressing, ‘it’s doomed to fail’ kind of way, partly because I don’t see the end of relationships as a failure. Especially not good ones that just happen to run their course. It’s more that I know things might change, and I want to know how prepared I am to adapt to and accept those changes

Don’t get me wrong, some actions or attitudes would make this impossible. There are limits to my optimism. However, I also believe in Bakji and I can’t see him ever committing the actions that are on the list of unacceptable behaviours, and he’d have to have a full personality swap for his attitude to make me want to stop being friends with him.

Part of this approach to things, is keeping communication open. Obviously I want our relationship to continue, so I’m mindful to make sure we are each getting what we need from it. I’d much rather know early on if there is something that can change, rather than never know and it cause everything to implode. I’ve made the mistake of not addressing the little things before and it did not end well.

I know this isn’t about relationships actually ending as such, and even less about D/s relationships ending. I wrote it anyway though because you never know when your thoughts may resonate with someone, no matter how much they have digressed from the initial prompt.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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[Kink] Drop Is Real

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N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

Drop is something I have been on a real journey with in personal terms. When it comes to other people I really do encourage everyone to take drop seriously. Learn what is most likely to trigger it for you, accept that you will need to give yourself time to come through it, and most importantly do not be afraid to speak up when you are suffering from drop. It did however, take me a long time to take my own advice.

My first experience of drop was horrid, it wasn’t long after I joined the kink scene and it honestly made me reflect on my experiences in a largely negative way. Luckily by this point I had made good friends, and they looked after me and let me know what I was experiencing and offered me some of the tools I needed to get through it. It also presented me with an opportunity to reflect on what I wanted out of kink going forward.

Once I got a handle on what things I was more into and what I wasn’t my occurrences of drop reduced, and I became far better at judging what might cause drop and I was happy to deal with it in my own way afterwards. For me this meant taking time to do things I enjoyed, baths, reading, nice food, things like that were good for me. What getting through drop didn’t involve was other people.

Early on when experiencing drop I hadn’t quite got to grips with aftercare, and I definitely hadn’t come to terms with needing to ask other people for things. Especially not things like cuddles and affection. When I started playing with Bakji I didn’t need to ask for these things. I remember the first time we did more intimate play, and afterwards he was plying me with hugs and all I could say was words to the effect of ‘You don’t need to hug me, I don’t really need much aftercare’. This is hilarious looking back, because I was so ignorant of my own needs.

Luckily Bakji is big on physical affection and he told me that he would like to hug, if that was okay with me. So we began the process of getting me used to hugs, and then finding that actually they were pretty awesome and really effective in making me feel less droppy! With great aftercare in place I went a long time with  no drop at all. Then when Bakji started learning to suspend me, it was something I had to deal with again.

Our afternoon suspension lessons often started with a good natter with our friend MasterMHatter, who was kind enough to offer his knowledge to help Bakji learn. Then we’d do the ropey goodness, then I would dash off to work. Throughout my shift on those afternoons I would be left feeling pretty low. I felt awful having to discuss this with Bakji, I didn’t want him to think it was a reflection on how much I enjoyed being in his ropes. We did discuss it though, and we all made efforts to reorganise those afternoons so that I had more time for aftercare afterwards, and that really helped.

Again we moved into a long period of no drop. Then we switched. Bet you can guess what came next, yep, Top-Drop! If anything this was even harder for me to accept in myself than subdrop. However I fly so high when Topping, that it makes sense that sometimes there will be a bit of a come down. In those early days of Topping it was quite frequent. Luckily for me Bakji was ever vigilant and it was actually him who suggested this was why I was feeling a bit low on certain days and going forward we made sure I was getting aftercare, no matter which side of the slash I was playing on.

I must admit that sometimes I’ve felt guilty about my need for aftercare in relation to it easing my drop. Rationally I know this is ridiculous, I know that communicating these needs is healthy for both me and whoever I’m playing with. I don’t ever want it to feel like a burden though, which is how I felt about it in those early days, like I was being needy or demanding. Thankfully Bakji has been awesome for helping me embrace and enjoy the benefits and delights of aftercare, which in turn has helped me relate to my own instances of drop better.

Aftercare is definitely the main thing for me to avoid drop. Its presence doesn’t make lack of drop a certainty, especially if it was an especially intense scene, or other emotions, or factors of life are in play at the same time too. If I do drop though I am far kinder to myself than I used to be, this includes not pushing myself to deal with it alone. I always reach out to Bakji and let him know if I’m struggling, I ask for extra cuddles when it’s possible and I do things for myself that make me feel good.

I would encourage anyone who feels like the might be susceptible to drop to speak about with their partner/s sooner, rather than later and be kind to yourself, I gave myself far too much of a hard time over something that is actually completely understandable.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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Thoughts on Subspace (and Other headspaces)

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

For me I have experienced three different kinds of headspace when engaging in kink activities, and all three are very different. There’s subspace, which is probably the one we hear reference to most often. Topspace, which is becoming more widely discussed. For me there is also rope-space.

When we discussed this topic for the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast (Episode 19), my inclusion of rope-space caused us to have to restart the episode. The reason being Bakji flagrantly disagreed with me and I suspect he isn’t the only one. For me though, and only for me, it is an important distinction between subspace and rope-space. They are to me vastly different experiences.

I’ll talk a little bit further down about how I feel when I am lucky enough to reach these headspaces. What I will say though is they are most definitely an added bonus of my kinky fun and not my destination. I don’t always get the spacey feeling, both as a Top and bottom. Some people will space out really quickly and some people might have experienced it within their first few scenes of kink ever. Other people might never experience anything like what people describe as subspace and Topspace and that does not, and should not diminish how much fun they have with their kinks.

I have seen so many writing over my time on Fetlife and other platforms where people are asking for advice on how they can reach subspace. I specify subspace because it does seem to be the one people chase most often. While there will be recommendations made of what things might induce that spacey state, I do feel like people shouldn’t feel under pressure to try to experience it.

As someone who loves it when I do hit those headspaces, I will also honestly say that if I never managed to reach those spacey places again my kinky times would still be awesome and would in no way be any less satisfying because I hadn’t reached subspace or Topspace. While they might enhance a scene, or give a scene a different feel, I honestly don’t think it is the be all and end all of the kink experience.

One of my main recommendations for someone who is new to the kink scene and is curious about subspace is be very careful of who you chase that feeling with. You need to be certain that they will be capable and responsible enough to take care of you, when you will likely not be alert enough to take care of yourself. Your ability to communicate may be dramatically altered or in the case of some people removed completely, both myself and Bakji become a little incoherent when we space out, but many people will become totally non-verbal. You need a partner who understands and recognises this and who will therefore check in on you in other ways. You also need to know that you can trust them to play within negotiated limits and consents, because subspace is definitely not the time to be trying to negotiate new kinds of play.

Physical sensation is another reason picking the right play partner is important at all times, but especially if you are anticipating you might go a little spacey. During subspace my pain receptors just switch off, it’s a joyous thing, but also highly dangerous. I learnt this the hard way. In my very first BDSM encounter. As someone exploring my masochism for the first time, I was taken far beyond what I think was reasonable play. Why couldn’t I say so at the time? A combination of subspace, subfrenzy and lack of personal education on BDSM play.

To differentiate between how subspace and Topspace feel for me, I always feel like subspace is like a sedative and Topspace is like a stimulant. Subspace is floaty, warm and fuzzy and everything fades away. There is no world for me in subspace. If the world ended while I was in subspace I honestly don’t think I’d notice, or care. So long a Bakji is still present then my subspace will remain.

Topspace in contrast makes everything crisp and clear, and far from the world not existing, it 100% does exist and Topspace makes me feel like I could conquer it in it’s entirety. For me Topspace definitely becomes a more real possibility when the play between Bakji and I is a little more on the sadistic side. Sensual and loving Domination does not seem to trigger the same responses in me, as the ego driven power trip kind of Domination that we often engage in. Both are awesome, but it’s the second one that heightens my senses and make Topspace kick in.

The reason rope-space gets its own little category for me is because rope-bottoming is for me not equatable to submission. However the dynamic between Rigger and rope bottom if done with someone I trust and with whom I enjoy rope independently of BDSM play will induce a spacey feeling all of its own. While it similar to subspace in that it does create a bubble for me where all that exists is Rigger, rope and me. It doesn’t come with the same floaty, warm, fuzzies that subspace does and it doesn’t render me as incoherent either. It does however encapsulate me and transport me to another realm of sensation and pleasure (or pain as the case may be with rope).

Another topic that ties in nicely with this topic is aftercare. Which I haven’t really covered on the blog yet, but I will make a note to revisit it soon. When you’ve experienced any kind of altered state within a scene, aftercare can become even more imperative than normal. Again this will vary from person to person, but knowing what aftercare you and your partner/s need is really important and can vastly improve the feelings of drop (more on this in my next post) that can sometimes occur after any scene, but in my experience can be far more intense after a scene during which I went spacey.

Have You Heard of Subfrenzy?

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

Have I ever heard of subfrenzy? Oh yeah! Unfortunately I heard about it far too late. I heard about once I’d been there, done that and wondered what the fuck had caused me to behave so recklessly.

I am not 100% comfortable sharing the full story of how I came to discover I was kinky and then how I started exploring my kinks. The reasons being that the ‘discovery’ involves a failed pregnancy that was extremely traumatic and life altering in it’s nature, and the ‘exploration’ involves very dubious, reckless and to my mind shameful decisions with the wrong people.

However there are some elements I am able to discuss, and I think frenzy was partly responsible for my actions. After leaving my marriage, my first two kinky partners were not the right partners for me. I was in a bad head space during both these interactions, and all I could see was a chance to be kinky. I took that chance, regardless of what it took to achieve that.

What it took was taking huge chances with my personal safety, massive dents to my view of my personal worth and huge deviations in who I was as a person. I was lucky that I didn’t end up in dangerous situations. They were certainly not ideal situations, but given the fact that at time no one knew where I was, who I was with or what I was doing, things could have ended much differently.

This is one of the reasons I champion munches, events and finding a solid group of friends. In part because you will hopefully meet people who have some social proof to their decency as both a person and as a kinkster, and also because it gives you people to confide in. In my third instance of frenzy, which actually doesn’t go in the disastrous pile, just the over eager pile, I had those much-needed friends to turn to. The difference it made was immeasurable.

For me frenzy is truly awful. It might sound dramatic, and I’m okay with that. If even one person reads this and thinks ‘fuck, I think I have this’ then I am okay with everyone else thinking I’m a drama Queen.

When I was in the midst of frenzy I did the following things:

  • Played with someone I had only spoken to online and on the phone, whom I had never met in a neutral place, and who, I had never even seen a photo of.
  • Met up with people without telling a single living soul where I would be, not even a vague location. At times I said I was in one place when I was in fact in another.
  • Played with inexperienced Sadists, as an inexperienced masochist. Which left me with marks I was unable to handle when deep in subdrop (more on this in another post)
  • Let people declare my kinks were due to people’s mistreatment of me, they weren’t, but that was a nice story for people who wanted to ‘save me’.
  • Got involved with a narcissist, which was much easier to do with my eagerness to play blinding me to glaring personality faults.
  • Lied more than I’ve ever lied before because I’d got involved with people who would be angry by the truth.
  • I didn’t advocate for myself.
  • I didn’t learn my own limits.
  • I didn’t value my own safety.
  • I didn’t value myself, at all, for a very long time. Frenzy made this a very dangerous view to hold, because it made me even more reckless.

A lot of why looking back on my frenzy stage is hard for me is due to me being a Mother. To clarify my child was always, always safe and never, ever in the vicinity of any BDSM activities. However, to be reckless with your own safety as a Mother is to me a pretty awful thing. This is one of the regrets I am still working on getting over, but I must admit it is a hard one to shake.

Frenzy made my brain falter in a really unpleasant way. I have in the past had both depression and anxiety, both separately and together. While I was to my knowledge not suffering from either at my time of starting to explore kink, I think the fact that my mental health can sometimes be a hurdle for me possibly made me more susceptible to effects of frenzy.

Reaching people and educating them on this subject before they experience it, is I think a really tricky thing to do. Unfortunately there are people within the kink community who will prey and actively seek out newbies to play with, because they have less understanding of certain things and are therefore more pliable and easier to bend to one’s own will. Denying these people exist would be extremely negligent, there are however awesome people in this community who will recognise frenzy and possibly be able to support and guide someone through it safely.

You can’t meet those awesome people if you don’t join the community though. So please, please, please, whoever you are, but especially if you are a female identifying submissive, sorry to say it but I do think we need to be more careful, for a variety of reasons, do not play with the first person who offers. Get to your local munch, meet friends, and try to resist that nagging urge to play immediately.

I’d love to see more new submissives befriended by more experienced submissives, or switches who’ve been down the submissive rabbit hole. In a manner that leads to shared knowledge of these kinds of things. Yes, Dominants and Tops can educate on these things, but I think hearing it from someone who has been there makes it a lot easier to identify with.

Some of the things that are regularly recommended across a variety of resources to help deal with frenzy are:

  • Research – yep read the books, check out websites, listen to podcasts, really get to grips with what it is YOU want as a submissive and/or kinkster. That shit matters. Learn how to effectively negotiate and advocate for yourself. And NEVER, EVER be afraid to do so. A Dominant/partner who does not respect your ability to do this is not a person worth interacting with.
  • Keep Good Company – As I’ve already mentioned, find good friends and do things with them. Whether those things are kink related or non-kink adventures. Keep busy and active. Places Like Loving BDSM that offer an online community are also wonderful for this. I do not want to discredit the benefit that online friendships can offer. They too can be invaluable.
  • Play with Friends – Provided you have found a good network of kinky friends, then playing with them can absolutely be a valid way to avoid frenzy. I would much rather help a friend out with some rope play and a spanking, knowing I would play safely and look after them post play, rather than have them off out alone in the wilderness of frenzy. Kinky friendships I have found are by their very nature a little more intimate than the friendships we get used to in non-kink life. So the type of support we can offer each other sometimes does come in the form of play and intimacy.
  • Safe-calls – OMG! YES! Please, please, please let’s make these more of a thing. Even if you are going to play with someone who is trusted. Let someone know where you are going, who you will be with and agree to check in with them. If you are playing with someone who seems concerned by the arrangement of a safe call being in place, then my advice would be to not play with them. No one should be wary of or alarmed by your desire to protect yourself.
  • Exercise – This is one of my favourites, and a personal method I use to keep myself  in a good frame of mind. It can take some time to find something you enjoy, but I think it is well worth finding a physical release. I love to hit the treadmill, and am going to branch out into outdoor running once little dude is back at school.
  • Writing – No surprises that I’m a fan of this too. Whether it’s a private diary, or an online blogging. Writing can be an extremely valuable tool in working through what you are feeling. It is one of the reasons I started my blog. While it has deviated from initial idea, it’s a great way to work through my thoughts and share that with others.
  • Look After Yourself – Whatever you need to do to issue some self-care, do it. For me it’s eating well, indulging in Harry Potter, hot showers, herbal teas and a nice blanket. Your self care will look different and that’s okay. I like to think of it as a date with myself.

My door, well my internet door at least, is always open. If anyone stumbles across this and is struggling with frenzy, or anything else for that matter, please feel free to use the contact form to get in touch. Whether you’re a regular reader or you’ve only read this one post. I am happy to answer questions, have discussions or just offer friendly words of support.

How Do I Feel About Sexual Availability?

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

I’ve been staring at this topic for days now thinking I just wouldn’t be able to do a blog entry for this particular email from the 30 days of D/s. Then when I really put my mind into action I realised I did have thoughts on this subject, they maybe just aren’t as BDSM orientated as might be expected.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, myself and Bakji definitely have more kink related physical encounters, than we do encounters that are purely sexually driven. That said I am always happy to be sexually available to him. There really aren’t many occasions where I’d turn him down. This is however probably the first relationship where I’ve felt this way though, and I think that is due to the open and honest place kink has brought us to.

In previous relationship I didn’t have the words at my disposal to explain a lot of my feelings and thoughts around my sexual desires. I felt frustrated by the notion that because I was someone’s partner, that I in some way owed them sex. I think that this is a common pitfall of many relationships and without being addressed it the right manner I think it can cause all kinds of problems.

I also felt frustrated when I wasn’t in the mood for sex and would turn that inwards and get annoyed with myself for not wanting it. Sometimes I’d want to just do it anyway, so that I wouldn’t feel guilty for saying no, but I could never bring myself to ‘power through’.

What was missing in those kinds of interactions was my ability to fully explain who I was as a sexual being. Despite having found my footing in FemDom, when it comes to sex without kink, I am very sexually submissive. What I never had though was someone who was sexually dominant, so the balance was never right, which made sex seem hard to get into.

Despite saying I was frustrated by the notion of ‘owing’ a partner sex, it is strangely ironic that what I actually would have liked would have been for them to take that one step further and actually have taken what it was they wanted. Obviously this only would have worked with consent and negotiation, which at the time I did not have full awareness and understanding of.

I think I would have thrived sexually in my previous relationship if we could have established a more explicit understanding of what it meant to be sexually submissive. Instead of it being viewed as me being lazy or unwilling to be intimate. I didn’t understand it fully myself though, so I had no idea of what it was I needed to express. What ended up happening is that mismatched sexual interests, mismatched libidos and a lack of communication led to feelings of rejection, resentment and ultimately we are no longer together and this was one of our major stumbling blocks.

I’m not saying kink and D/s make for perfect communication and that they are the solution to these kinds of issues, but I do think the understanding we gain in kink of how important it is to talk about these things make a huge difference in how we approach our needs within a relationship.

Having the option there to talk about and negotiate what sexual availability means to us is invaluable I think. Doing it with a partner that understand the nuances of that though is imperative. One of the reasons I am happy to make myself sexually available to Bakji at all times is the knowledge that he knows me well enough to know when it wouldn’t be good time to make good on that arrangement. Feeling crappy with period pains? No sex thanks. Got a head full of Migraine? Again, not so much with the sex.

For me sexual availability is great if it’s with someone who is going to make the sex happen when they want it. If their idea of me being sexually available is to indicate they want me to be the sexual Top, then that doesn’t work so well. Telling me you want sex, but you me to surprise you with sex, or make grand plans for sex, really makes me not want sex. That approach would however work with kink activities, so it goes to show how very awkward I am.

I must admit the majority of my unrealised fantasies are related to this subject. Which may seem strange given that it’s probably a fairly basic element to many people. It just seem tricky to spell out how you want someone to behave, when the behaviour you’re craving is impromptu and of their own volition.

Perhaps though this is something I need to explore further, maybe I need to practice what I preach and open up a dialogue on this subject. This my friends is why the 30 Days of D/s emails are awesome, you can learn things about yourself you might not have done without prompting.

What Do I Think About Orgasm Control?

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

As I’ve touched upon briefly in previous posts my introduction to my own orgasms came pretty late in life, I didn’t have my first orgasm until I was about 28. Up until then my body just seemed to block them out. Sexual activity was nice and defnitely pleasurable but it never brought me close to climax. Even on my own I couldn’t get there. Only after my son was born did my body seem to realise it was it was capable of all kinds of things.

Since that first orgasm things have gone from strength to strength, however it is something I am definitely still exploring and learning about. They are also easily spooked sometimes, it’s been a few months since it happened, but now and again they will just stop. Then will return. Neither of which comes with any warning or with any obvious reasons. For example it won’t always be when I’m stressed or poorly, it will just be totally random.

For this reason when I joined the kink scene I was reluctant to engage in orgasm control. I did dabble with it here and there, and on the whole it was fun with no adverse effects on my abilities. However, the concern remains that if I engaged in long-term orgasm control that I could set myself back and lose the progress I’ve made over the last 4 years or so.

Also on a personal level I don’t really feel comfortable giving someone else the control when it comes to my orgasms. I want to be able to come on my own terms at all times as and when I feel like it. This also includes not coming for periods of time when I’m just not really feeling it.

The only part of orgasm control that I do enjoy as a bottom is forced orgasm. There is no orgasm in the world like the one Bakji gives me when I’m trying to wriggle away, saying no over and over again (and absolutely not meaning it, this is why negotiations, consent and safewords are so important to me) and he is relentless pinning me down and making come over and over until he is satisfied I’m done.

There is some both torturous and delicious about those orgasms. They feel amazing, unlike any orgasm I could ever achieve on my own. I also love the ‘force’ of them, I love the fact I can’t just take them. I have to fight against them while really, really wanting to give into them. Then when finally my body does cave and just gives in to the climax, it feel like if I died from pleasure it would be totally worth it. The struggle and the resistance and the eventual release is just the most fun though.

As a Top I have similar interests. While I do harbour a desire to get Bakji into a Cock cage, I think ultimately I’d fail at enforcing chastity. Luckily for me he isn’t looking to explore for long periods of time, because I don’t think the orgasm seeker in me could take it. One of my favourite things about Topping Bakji is making him come. Just thinking about it gives me the excited feels.

Another part of orgasm control that I am a big, big fan of is edging! It has got to be one of my most favourite actions to administer as a Top. It evokes the most awesome reactions from Bakji and they are reactions that feed my Topping high, which makes it a really valuable and intrinsic part of our play.

Currently the only vagina I get to play with is my own, which isn’t as fun as playing with someone else’s, but I’m ever hopeful that hot sexy vagina play is on the horizon. This again doesn’t come with much of a desire for orgasm denial. I am far more inclined to see how many orgasms I can force out of someone. Again the reactions this elicits is far more arousing to me, than the reactions denial creates.

However, as is becoming the pattern, I’m now going to show how willing to shift gears I am if I really want to play with someone. If I met someone who had a burning desire for orgasm denial, with or without chastity devices, either for short-term or long-term play, I would definitely be open to trying this in a more invested way. Whether I’m in bottom mode or Top mode what really gets me off is pleasing a partner and bringing them pleasure. If someone’s path to finding their true pleasure includes being denied orgasms,  I’m fairly certain I’ll be able to get on board with that.

I think I definitely have a lot more to explore when it comes to orgasms, both personally and with partners. Watch this space for more blog posts on this, I will of course keep you all updated with exciting orgasm developments. I’m not an expert about these things, I’ve definitely figured my own struggles with orgasms out in ways that wouldn’t necessarily work for everyone. I know lots of other people have orgasm struggles though, so if anyone reads this and would like to reach out to discuss this topic, then please do so.

Sex Isn’t Required For D/s

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

This is an interesting one for me, the internal dialogue I have on this subject is as follows:

Me: Sex isn’t required for D/s or kink.

Other Me: Except that it totally is.

Me: For you maybe, but not for ME.

Other Me: Yeah, but I’m you, so samesies.

Me: You’re insufferable!

I think you get my drift. In reality I 100% accept that sex is not a requirement for D/s. I understand and have experienced enough facets of D/s that I can see how people have awesome and satisfying D/s dynamics without a sexual dynamic too. I feel inclined to say but that isn’t for me, until I break it down into kinks and realise that non-sexual encounters are absolutely a thing for me.

Let’s start with rope. As a rope bottom I am not open to sexual encounters within rope. Unless it is with Bakji, who basically has sexual consent in every kink scenario going. I am however open to the opportunities of engaging in rope with other Rope Tops. I enjoy experience how other people tie, and it has always been an interesting experience for me. The rope bottom in me is not a sexual bottom though. I like the physical challenge, I like the rope hurts, those things do not turn me on though. They might be erotic, but they are not inherently arousing.

Then we have me as a Rope Top. I can of course tie someone without sexual interest in them, and I have, I wouldn’t however make a habit of it. I predominantly like to tie people who arouse me. If I’m using my rope skills to flirt with or to entice someone then there is every chance I want to lick their boobs or give them a handjob, with their consent of course.

Similarly as a masochist. I would happily consent to a friend I trusted to do impact and/or pain play with me, but there is very little chance that means I will be willing to consent to anything sexual with them. Pain is sexy in it’s own way, and when combined with sex it really does turn me on. The pain on it’s own though is very satisfying, I don’t need or want the sexual aspects to accompany it. As a Sadist I could quite happily find merriment in just issuing out the pin to someone who asked for it. However the acts of Sadism turn me on a lot, so I’d much rather engage in those things with a sexual partner.

Another interesting element to this for me, is that while mine and Bakji’s dynamic does involve something sexual for most scenes, unless we are at an event where it isn’t appropriate, those sexual things rarely involve penetrative sex, and often do not involve sexual things happen to me. While I enjoy sexual acts as part of my kink, I’m quite happy to administer the sexual acts, receiving them is not a requirement at all.

I can actually go a fairly long time without needing the sexual attention to be turned in my direction. The high I get from Topping and from making Bakji come is really very satisfying, I don’t crave sexual contact for myself, and I feel like I need to orgasm every time we play to make it feel good or for it to count as play.

I often see people who have little or no sex drive, thinking that they won’t be able to find play partners in the kink community because sex either isn’t high on their agenda or not on it at all. Lots of people in the kink scene are happy to focus on other elements of D/s without needing to involve sex. Despite saying I do enjoy sexual contact as part of my play, if someone I had made a connection with wanted to explore more D/s with me but didn’t want to include sexual play at all, then I’d definitely be open to that.

Sex in all it’s forms can be a lot of fun, it isn’t the be all and end all of kinky fun though. There is so much to be explored depending on your preferences. Power exchange in itself can be exceedingly exhilarating, that is what fuels me in my FemDom interactions with Bakji. There is also something to be said for offering someone an experience, whether that experience is in your ropes, an impact scene or any other kind of scene you both desire.

I’m not ashamed to say that I enjoy mixing sexual activities into my kink, I am a sexual person, I like using sexual exploration to connect with a partner, it’s fun, it’s intimate and it gives me awesome feelings. However I’m also not embarrassed about the fact I’m a walking contradiction by also thinking that there is far more to a kink dynamic that getting involved with someone’s genitals.