[Kink] Communication: It’s Good For Ewe

Image via Pixabay

Apologies for the terrible pun of title, but I couldn’t resist when I decided to use this photo off Pixabay for my featured image. 


One of the most recurring topics of conversation about how to do kink ‘right’ is about communication. What kinks people have and how they enjoy them is 100% down to their personal preferences, provided of course that they are engaging in them with other consenting adults. For many of us though good communication is a fundamental part of exploring kink. What ‘good’ looks like may indeed vary from person to person, and I think like myself and Bakji, your ‘good’ becomes better over time, and your old ‘good’ looks a little lacking.

Myself and Bakji have grown together in terms of improving our communication and honestly it has been one of the most rewarding parts of our sexy-friendship. Neither of us were great at face to face discussions in the early days, and that meant finding more creative ways of sharing our thoughts with each other.

Continue reading “[Kink] Communication: It’s Good For Ewe”

[Kink] Nurse Floss Will See You Now!

Content Warning: Contains thoughts surrounding medical play, blood play, needles and mobility aids as kink equipment.

When I first saw this weeks prompt I was going to attempt a piece of erotica based around one of the only uniforms that I’d like to involve in my own kinky fun, the more I thought on it though the more I thought I should explore the fantasy itself.

One of the main areas of kink that I am keen to explore is medical play. When I’ve mentioned this on social media many of my followers have send DM’s asking me what that even is. In a nutshell it is an umbrella term referring to a number of kinks and fetishes involving objects, practices, environments, and situations of a medical or clinical nature

Continue reading “[Kink] Nurse Floss Will See You Now!”

[Kink] Love Me Some Face Slapping

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This isn’t a declaration I make very often, be it to his face or on this blog, but I love Bakji loads. Like serious warm and fuzzy feels. He is a wonderful man and he makes me so happy to have him in my life. I’d never want to harm him and keeping him safe and in one piece is my number one priority at all times.

That however doesn’t stop me revelling doing wicked things to him. Wicked things like slapping his face.

Continue reading “[Kink] Love Me Some Face Slapping”

[Kink] The Cone of Shame is Fun with Friends

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For last weeks Wicked Wednesday I wrote a piece of erotica, ‘Cool Shower- Part 2‘ that contained humiliation as its main theme and a little while back I wrote ‘(Super Sexy) Thoughts on Erotic Humiliation’, and recently it is a kink that I have been thinking about more and more and I would really love to share some of my developing thoughts with you all.

It is no secret to anyone who has read my blog posts on non-monogamy that it has been a work in progress sorting through my feelings on it. One of the feelings I struggled with the most was that ‘bleurgh’ feeling in the pit of my stomach when I tried to visualise Bakji with another lady. I honestly thought this was one of those things I had to just put up with if I wanted to be non-monogamous.

Continue reading “[Kink] The Cone of Shame is Fun with Friends”

[Kink] A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Trigger Plans.

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Try as we might to ensure all our BDSM scenes and play session go smoothly, there is always a chance of something not going according to plan. When an action, phrase or scenario stimulates a reaction in an individual we refer to it as a trigger.

Trigger – an experience that provokes or generates a memory or reaction for someone

For the purposes of this article I am referring to the kind of triggers that are unwelcome and will likely end your scene and require all participants involved to know what the next steps are after the trigger has occurred. It is worth noting though that triggers can also be used to stimulate welcome reactions, but this should absolutely be explored after negotiation and with consent.

Triggers may be known to us, or they may be something we stumble upon during play. I have been trigger twice during my time as a kinkster and both times they were things that I did not know to avoid. Now I know and I would actively mention the activities that triggered to future partners as hard limits.

It can be mortifying to everyone involved when a trigger is found, especially if you weren’t expecting it. Nobody likes to be the one to end a scene early, but there is no good to come from blaming ourselves or others when this happens. It is one of the risks we accept when engaging in kink and how we deal with it has the potential to be a defining moment in whether or not a dynamic is successful or indeed if someone chooses to continue exploring their kinks. Not to mention that some triggers may relate to past abuse, including but not limited to things like rape, sexual assault, physical assault, verbal abuse and domestic violence. All triggers are valid and important but it is worth remembering some may transcend what we are used to handling in our own lives.

Reassuring. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. These should be the kinds of things we aim to provide with a trigger plan. Ensuring our partner/s a safe space to recover and work through the feelings they have encountered.

To give a comprehensive list of what things might trigger someone would be impossible. Physical actions, name calling, teasing,  specific words, smells, songs, body positions, tone of voice, emotions, noises, individual people, are just a few things that might trigger someone. While that may make it seem like a terrifying prospect to play with anybody, just in case you trigger them, the solution to navigating triggers is simple. Communication.

Anyone and everyone who offers advice or education on BDSM will mention communication so often that you will wonder if we get some sort of commission from a secret communication organisation. The truth is, we go on about it so often because it is so incredibly important. Discussing past experiences, current desire and hopes for your kinky future can go a long way to highlighting what might be a potential trigger.

Even with due diligence and everyone’s best effort, things can still go wrong. It might be with a new partner, it could be after years with being someone. Sometimes it might make sense, sometimes it might not. Whatever the situation or the specific trigger what can we do to help someone after the event.

As with everything in life individual cases will differ, but some of the more popular things that get included in trigger plans are:

  • Physical affection and closeness
  • Being in company
  • Being left alone
  • Food and drink
  • Staying warm and cosy
  • Peace and quiet
  • Talking things through
  • Taking their mind of it
  • Anything that offers comfort – cuddly toy, favourite music, favourite movie etc

Trigger plans are not just for bottoms and submissives. Tops and Dominants may also require support after triggers too. If as a bottom or submissive you are wondering how you help a Top or Dominant through a trigger, the answer is simple, treat them like a person and offer them the same kindness you would want for yourself.

IMG_7094It can be extremely tough to watch someone you care for suffer the effects of being triggered, especially if it is your actions or a thought you induced that caused it. While in the immediate moments and days after a trigger are quite rightly likely to be focused on the person who experienced the trigger, I would recommend that once you feel able to that you check in on your partner and enquire after their feelings on what happened.

When done correctly everything we do in kink we do together. Whether you are engaging in a long term D/s dynamic or a one time Top/bottom exchange. No one is exempt from feelings, and everyone has the potential to be triggered. The balance of giving and taking is far easier when things are going right, but keeping that same balance when things go wrong is often a lot harder, but it’s just as, if not more imperative to get right in those situations.

This is the fourth instalment in my ‘A Switchy Girls Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment is ‘BDSM Labels and Roles’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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[Kink] Cuckolding. It’s Not Completely Cuckoo!

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Cuckolding. Is It What You Think It Is?

The dictionary definition of a cuckold is, ‘the husband of an adulteress, often regarded as an object of derision.’ In terms of cuckolding as a kink or Fetish, there is a lot missing from that sentence to get a clear picture of why people enjoy cuckolding with the kink community.

I’m going to start with the term adulteress. Adultery is defined as extramarital sex that is objectionable on the grounds of social, religious, moral or legal grounds. In terms of consensual cuckolding as part of a kink lifestyle, I don’t think many people would identify themselves as an adulterer. While society may class any extramarital sex as adultery, when the sex in question is strengthening or adding to your marriage or long-term relationship, it doesn’t really come under the same category as infidelity.

Continue reading “[Kink] Cuckolding. It’s Not Completely Cuckoo!”

Talking About Kink To A Vanilla Partner

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

I did not get this right. Not at all. I also see people getting it wrong all the time. So many messages on Reddit, Fetlife, Lovehoney etc, the main theme of them being, ‘how can I get partner to do x, y or z with me.’ Hint: You don’t. You ask, you talk, you explore with consent. You don’t plot and scheme ways to coerce and wear a partner down until they say yes. Whether your kink is anal sex or bondage.

If you are kinky, and to your knowledge your partner isn’t then please tread carefully. Remember that you’ve had time to think about these things, your partner has not, they will need time to process, time to decide and time to learn, if they wish to experiment with you. Have resources at hand that they can look to for initial answers, and be willing to answer all their questions, even the ones that might hurt a bit.

Be willing to compromise and start slow. You may well have a whole scene planned in your head, where you partner is Dominant, taking full control, restraining you, spanking you, using toys on you, perhaps you fancy some humiliation or sensory deprivation, that is a lot to process for someone who identifies as not kinky. They might however be willing to do some light bondage while teasing you with a vibrator. Don’t be disappointed that it isn’t everything at once, be grateful they are willing to try.

I’m not proud of the fact that when I realised I was kinky I just assumed my partner at the time would be into it as well. He wasn’t, at all. He tried, and some things went fairly well, some things left me feeling a bit icky afterwards. He was very sweet to try though, and I don’t for one second blame him for not getting into it. Kink is not his thing. I do however wish I’d been more gentle with asking for and introducing kink. As it turns out that relationship is no longer going, and we are still great friends. I wish I’d understood though how jarring it is to have a partner suddenly drop the kink bomb on you.

You may have been with the partner you are sharing with for a month, a year or a decade. You may have a thriving sexual relationship and you might be planning for a blooming future together. This does not mean they owe you your chance to get kinky though. If they aren’t into it and don’t want to do it, you can’t force them and you shouldn’t want to. Their enthusiastic consent is paramount, whether it’s for a spanking or a sexual act.

My next opinion might not be popular, but I truly believe that if you are so kinky you can’t imagine living your life without it, and your partner is not kinky and doesn’t really want to be. Instead of figuring out how we can coerce them into it, we should be figuring out how we can part ways with the least amount of destruction and heartbreak possible. I know that this hurts, I know it’s hard to make these decisions, and I know because I did it. It is not fair to anyone though to live a life that may end ultimately in resentment. Whatever the issue is that might cause that. I’m not saying this is the solution for every person, but it will be the solution for some people, like it was for me. We should not be shamed if this is our choice.

If however you have a non-kink partner who is eager to explore with you, brilliant. Do let them take things at their own pace though and be prepared that they might discover kinks of their own that you weren’t prepared for. Even if they discover that they had a kinky side after all, there’s no saying that your kinks will align. Kinks are many and varied, and the ones we are into can take us by surprise.

When it comes specifically to D/s, if you harbour ideas of high protocol or a 24/7 D/s dynamic, again this will not happen overnight, even if your partner is up for giving it a go. I would highly recommend getting our onto your local scene and meeting people who have similar dynamics, online communities offer a huge amount of support and resources too. Signing up for something similar to 30 Days of D/s is great you can both talk through what each topic means to you and identify what might be most important to you both in a D/s dynamic.

It would also be remiss of me to recommend checking out some podcasts. Part of why we started #ProudToBeKinky was not only for kinksters looking to get information on how to get out and about to make friends within the community, but also to make it accessible and friendly for those who are kink curious. Other podcasts like Loving BDSM are great for learning about a more specific dynamic, and again they are not going to be terrifying to someone who is simply curious and looking to learn.

Don’t run before you walk though, and don’t be angry with yourself or each other if you make mistakes. Whether that is in terms of D/s or general kink activities. When you’re learning things might go wrong, or certain things might not be a good fit. If you keep talking to each other though and being honest about what is going well and what isn’t feeling so great, over time you should find your own rhythm and you own way of doing things.

At the end of the day though many, many people are not kinky and that is 100% okay. As much I support people and their desire to get their kink on, I also support people and their desire to get their vanilla on. I used ‘vanilla’ in the title of the post, but there’s a reason I didn’t use it throughout the blog post. I try really hard to not use it in what could come off as ‘ugh, vanilla, how crap’, which does unfortunately happen sometimes in the kink community. Vanilla is valid, and it’s yummy and no one should be shamed for not being kinky. Someone might not be full on kinky, but they might well be vanilla with chocolate sprinkles and that can be a lot of fun too.

Whats Does Consent Mean To Me?

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

Before we join the kink scene we all know the dictionary definition of consent. In the non-kink world it seems to matter and count in a different way than what it does to kinksters. My favourite tale to tell to highlight this is as follows …

I was in a non-kink gay bar with two girlfriends, and a chap kept loitering near us, eventually finding a way to speak to us and offering to buy us drinks. My friends accepted but I declined. I’m not comfortable accepting drinks from strangers with whom I have no intention of further interacting. As evening progressed he made small talk with my friends, but I kept a very cool distance. At this point it was clear he was looking for a hook-up, and I was most definitely not interested. Apparently my icy exterior was not icy enough though because at one point he asked me to dance, holding out his hand as he did so. I politely declined while my hands remained firmly by my side, with my feet welded to the floor. I then received the very convincing argument of ‘but I saw you dancing with him’, pointing to the very attractive Kit Harrington look a like, who was also very obviously a gay man, and danced with me not to hit on me but to have fun. He then wandered off, and my friends said, to my absolute horror ‘why didn’t you just dance with him?’ Consent. Consent is why not.

I do not owe anyone a single thing by virtue of existing. I didn’t owe that man a dance because I had consented to dance with someone else. I didn’t owe him the chance to enter my personal space because he’d bought my friends a drink.

When we join the kink scene, this is something that is understood by the majority of people. That said it is unfortunately something we have to keep repeating, because there is always someone who doesn’t quite get it, or even worse decides they do not need to abide by other people’s consent.

I am a big believer in very enthusiastic, very clear, consent. Yes means Yes. No means No. Lots of other things mean no to me too, such as:

  • Being pushed away
  • Someone turning away
  • ‘I don’t want to’
  • ‘I don’t feel like it’
  • ‘I don’t know’
  • ‘Not sure’
  • ‘Maybe’

There’s probably even more that can be added to that list. If someone declines to give consent they do not need to justify it, not to me, not to anybody.

There are lots of things Bakji and I have done together, sometimes things don’t get done for a while and we start to mix them back into play again, most of them are things that we talk about often enough for me to know that there is consent there for them. However if I was planning on doing something that we’d perhaps only done once before I would seek consent to do so. I do not believe that being in a relationship gives me automatic consent to do things.

There are some other situations that I don’t believe give automatic consent either:

  • We’ve done it before
  • Consent to one-act meaning consent to another
  • Flirting
  • Being drunk
  • The absence of no
  • Silence
  • Coercion
  • Type of clothes or no clothes  

When someone consent to an activity with me, I want them to be fully behind the yes they give me. I want them to go away from our time together feeling positive about our interaction together. I don’t want them spending the days, weeks, months, years following our physical intimacy wondering if they actually did want to me to lick their boobs while they were in my rope.

My consent is really important to me. There’s so much stuff I won’t consent to with people, some of it pretty low-key, for example if someone I barely know, and don’t get good vibes from asks for a hug, I’ll say no. Other people’s consent though, somehow that matter so much more. I never, ever want to be the person who got it wrong.

I know I’m only human though, and getting it wrong can mean many things, and maybe one day I will get it wrong. I will never stop doing my best to get it right though, whether that is with Bakji or with a new play partner.

When it comes to BDSM I know all too well from personal experience how the rush of subspace can mess with your decision-making skills and your perception of what is occurring. It can also make people incoherent and in some cases completely non-verbal. Mid-scene is really not the time to ask someone if they want to engage in something they have not previously given consent to.

This is one of the reasons I am such a big fan of things like Fetish Checklists, if nothing else it starts a conversation about what our expectations are with a new partner. I know sometimes we are going to undertake new activities in situations where that wouldn’t be possible, for me this would be at a Fetish event or a rope event. I think it those situations asking clear, direct questions is the way forward, and less with a debrief afterwards that there could have been more, is better than more with a debrief afterwards that more was too much.

I appreciate in long-term established dynamics the nuances of consent become a little different, discussions may be had that do give ongoing consent, safewords will replace words like ‘no, and stop’, in certain situations, which is useful for someone like me who with a trusted partner in the height of intense orgasms will say both those things and not mean them. At the end of the day though no matter what dynamic is in place, any person at any time has the right to establish consent and also to remove it.