I was perusing Twitter today via the #ProudToBeKinky account and I saw a tweet from @KinkAcademy, you can see the tweet here, the quote from it though was as follows.
‘The more trust two people build in each other the more intense and rewarding the play can be’
I quoted the Tweet, adding that I felt it was something that is often overlooked in the scene and that in my experience there is a lot of truth in the statement. I pondered on this long after I had done that tweet. Reflecting on my personal relationships, who I’ve trusted, why I trusted them and how it worked well and where it went wrong.
For many of us, especially those of us who enter the scene as a single person with little to no previous experience of BDSM, our first instinct when joining the kink community is to ‘do’, not to watch, not to learn, but to actually do the kink. A phase of our kink journey that will often be referred to as frenzy. It is a very real prospect, no matter where you fall on the kink spectrum. I think sub-frenzy is the aspect we talk about most, but Dominants/Tops are not immune to this.
When we are in the grip of frenzy, the level of trust we need in someone seems to be vastly reduced, or our trust is misplaced because we are not seeing things with as much rationality as might be warranted. I think in those early days many of us romanticise BDSM, feeling it should be organic and instinctive. When for many of us the best BDSM experiences come after a lot of communication, very unsexy negotiations and a lot of planning.
I made my own errors when it came to who I should trust and how much I should trust them. When I met CheshireCat_MMH and MasterMHatter, I was floundering somewhat. I had a hell of a lot to learn at that point, but I couldn’t seem to stop and breathe long enough to see that. I talk a lot about the journey I have taken with Bakji, but my journey to meeting him began with these two friends.
Meeting them allowed me a safe space to figure lots of things out. Some of those things included negotiating limits, using safe words, crying mid-scene, for both catharsis and for triggers, safely pushing boundaries and so much more. I learnt to use my words, that it was okay to turn up and say ‘well life is shit today, I can’t do rope’, and I wouldn’t be met with frustration or anger, but instead a coffee and a hug. I learnt that you could transition from play partners to friends, and not be cast aside. I learnt that this communty was about so much more than doing the kink, it’s about friendship, love, laughter, honesty, communication and trust. I learnt to trust my kinky friends in a way I had never quite managed with my non-kink friends.
They also introduced me to lots of awesome people, one of which as I’ve mentioned so many times before was Bakji, and with him my understanding of how important trust in your partner is has deepened even more. When Bakji first message me on Fetlife asking if I would like to rope bottom for him my trust in him meant that I trusted him enough to invite him into my home and I would be safe, I trusted him to not do anything insane, or to hurt me. I trusted him because he had social proof, people knew him and liked him, he seemed courteous, and I wanted to get to know him better.
Over time my trust in him, and his in me grew, and we explored more things together. I trusted him in public scenes, knowing that he would be my eyes and ears, and my judgement when I was in subspace and less capable of being aware of my surroundings. I trusted that I could end scenes, or opt out of kinky play entirely and he would not be cross. For almost a year this was where our trust level was at, and I never really considered whether or not it could or would develop more.
In truth though, in that first year I made it absolutely clear I had no interest in us Switching. I would not be a Top in any way, shape or form. However, this wasn’t because it didn’t interest me, it really did, but my confidence in that area had been shaken and I couldn’t believe that if I Topped Bakji it would work out well. I assumed it would just be a disaster.
It was his actions and his nature that made me trust in him enough to pick up my rope and take those tentative first steps into being a Rope Top. His encouragement and his obvious enjoyment meant I grew to trust him enough to fully explore the Toppy side of myself. My trust in my friends also played a part in this as well. I felt awkward and embarrassed in those early days of learning rope. I was so self conscious about doing things wrong, both with the rope skills and my approach to Topping. I had to take a leap of faith though, and trust that my friends would not judge me, which they definitely did not. They were nothing but encouraging and accepting.
Once myself and Bakji started Switching we revisited our Fetish Checklist and I think this is when we reached another level of trust and exploration. It can be tricky when filling out a Fetish Checklist, the temptation to try and tailor it to your partner so you don’t admit to something that might scare them off is fairly common, we reached a point though where we just took the plunge and said exactly where we were at with things, and it was a massive success. That’s not to say all our kinks align perfectly, they don’t, but there has been no ‘What? You’re into that? Gross/weird/don’t touch me’. I don’t feel rejected because Bakji doesn’t want to do some of the things I like, I just feel pleased I can admit I like them and not be judged for them
Over this last year, with our FemDom explorations firmly underway, the ways in which we trust each other have definitely evolved. I feel safe both physically and emotionally, I trust that Bakji has my back in both manners. I trust him as both a bottom and a Top. Which means we can push our play in new directions, and I don’t feel a sense of panic in case it doesn’t work out. There are things on our todo list that we may well reflect upon afterwards and say ‘well that wasn’t as sexy/fun/kinky as I thought it would be’, and that will be okay. Even if one of us loves it, and one of us doesn’t, it will still be okay. Because we trust each other to both be honest about it, and to react accordingly to the others feelings.
The journey I have taken both individually and as part of a pairing with Bakji to get to this point hasn’t always been easy, there have been times I’ve felt immensely vulnerable and fearful, there’s been anxiety over things I need to communicate and I’ve worried for far too long over things that ended up being irrelevant because I didn’t communicate sooner. These have all been opportunities to learn and grow though and with each hurdle that has been overcome the trust has deepened, the kink has intensified and life has become so much fun.