[Kink] A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Munches and Fetish Clubs

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As a co-host of a podcast for which the tagline is ‘a podcast covering the social and interpersonal side of kink, Fetish and BDSM’, it will probably come as no surprise that I spend a lot of time talking about munches and Fetish events.

Before I regale you all with why I think these things can be beneficial to fledgling kinksters and veteran kinksters alike, I know a lot of people would be grateful for me explaining exactly what a munch is.

Munch – a social event for those who are kinky, or even just curious, to come along and meet like minded people. Depending on where you are based in the world a munch may be held in a restaurant, pub, and many other public spaces. They do not involve kinky play, and the dress code is casual.

While the internet is wonderful for connecting us to fellow kinksters, and indeed fellow human beings, we are not all looking for online interactions only or long distance relationships. Local munches provide the opportunity for us to meet people who are kinky and in our area.

When I’ve spoken to people about how long it took them to go to a munch after they first decided they’d like to attend one, the answer is usually somewhere between a couple of months and an entire decade. I personally took 6 months to get up the courage to go. Why do we put it off? Fear of the unknown and not having the answers to the barrage of questions we ask ourselves, such as:

  • What will everyone be like?

Personalities, looks, backgrounds and kinks will be beautifully varied. Much the same as with any other collective of people in non-kink related gatherings.

  • Will they all be weirdos?

Probably! In the awesome way. In my experience kinky people are creative, quirky and many of us are proud to be a little less ordinary.

  • Will I fit in?

More likely than not. On the whole the kink scene is very welcoming and loves to meet new people.

  • Am I kinky enough?

YES! Seriously we don’t actually mind how kinky you are. Being open minded and non judgemental is the key.

  • Am I too kinky?

NO! There is no such thing.

  • Do I need to know what I’m into?

Absolutely not. People might ask, but it’s 100% okay to say you aren’t sure but are interested in making new discoveries.

  • What if I’m the only one with my Fetish?

You might be, but you probably won’t be and if you are it won’t matter. You might even introduce someone else to it, and helping other people make those discoveries is great fun.

  • What if it’s boring?

Honestly, it might be. Some days everyone seems to be busy and it’s a quiet night, other days it’s like the whole town has turned up. That’s why we always recommend going a few times, and maybe even trying munches in other local towns.

  • What if it’s not for me?

It might not be, some people just don’t enjoy munches, but what have you got to lose by finding out?

You’ve battled through all those questions, plus many more I suspect. You’ve found your local munch and you decide to go along. What might follow next? I’ll be honest, you probably won’t find the person of your dreams on your first visit. It may take time to make connections and find your tribe, but when you do it will be so much fun.

Those of us who join the scene without a partner are likely going to hope we do find someone to share our kinky times with. Many people however discount the benefits of making platonic friends, or perhaps even casual play partners, on the way to finding a more long term or romantic partnership

Having kinky friends is wonderful if you are someone who likes to have open and honest conversations about your kinks with the people in your life. I’m personally happy to tell anyone who will listen about my kinky shenanigans, but I know that isn’t an option for many people. Forming friendships within the kink community can give you a network of support, advice and encouragement you just may not be able to get within your non-kinks circles.

Even if you are an established couple, who have no interest in meeting other play partners, you could still find a wonderful group of people to share your interests with and learn new skills from. Attending a local munch will often lead to invites to other events, and in many cases private parties. Where the opportunities to learn about and discover new kinks are endless.

Okay, so you’ve been to a munch, and maybe a play party or two, but what about if you want to experience something bigger, with more people, where on earth do you go then? That is where Fetish events come into the equations. These will vary from place to place, from country to country and even the same event came vary from month to month.

I spend the majority of my event time at Fetish events in and around London, my experiences will reflect that, so I would always recommend researching any event you might go to and asking previous attendees what you can expect.

In London the Fetish events can range from very little play, but high Fetish fashion to lots of kinky play, and very little clothing because we’ve all whipped it off to get a spanking or to be tied in rope. We’ve got events that have a grunge, gothic, alternative vibe and events that are more like a kinky rave. Whatever your specific likes and dislikes, chances are you can find an event for you.

Almost everyone I’ve ever spoken to has had a major panic about what to wear before their first trip to a Fetish event. I’m going to let you into a secret though, there is nothing to panic about. Making an effort is key, but you can do that without having a wardrobe full of Latex. Accessories and make-up can also go a long way to making an outfit shine.

My top tips for Fetish events would be:

  • Go with friends, if you haven’t got friend who will go with you, go to a munch and make some.
  • If you are uncertain about your outfit, check photos from previous nights, or email the organisers to ask advice.
  • Learn about dungeon etiquette, for example we don’t approach people during a scene, we don’t touch people stuff, if you’re in doubt about what you’re seeing then Dungeon Monitors (DM’s) are on hand to address any concerns.
  • Do make an effort with your clothes, but also wear something you feel confident and comfortable in. You first event may not be the time to give 8 inch heels a try for the first time.
  • Try a few. If the first one you try isn’t a good fit, it doesn’t mean you won’t love the next one you try.
  • Read the event listings on Fetlife, join the event group if it has one, and read their website in full if they have one, so you are not caught unawares by any event specific terms or guidelines.

You can make friends at a Fetish event, but it is harder than at a munch. Which is why going alone isn’t always the best option. That said though, a lot of events in London do organise meet and greets at the beginning of an event to welcome those who are visiting alone and/or new, to give them a rundown of the layout of the event, and what happens throughout the night.

I guarantee someone will read this who is really eager to go to a munch, but their nearest one involves some travelling and that is their only reason for not going. If you truly want to meet other kinksters outside of the internet, and you want to increase your chances of getting some kinky action, then I’ve got news for you … you might actually have to travel.

I get that it might be a mission, or it might be a whole day out of your week for a couple of hours of socialising. Wouldn’t it be worth the effort though if it got you the type of relationship or friendship group that you are longing for. I say this as someone who lives 3 hours from London, I travel there because it has the scene I love and wonderful friends, who I would not have met if I hadn’t have gone to my local munch, where I met a partner who was willing to travel with me to experience new things and meet new people.

There is a whole world of kink positive people out there, who are ready to be your friend and share their knowledge and joy of kink with you. You’ve got to meet them halfway though, they are already on the scene, they’ve probably already got friends, maybe they even know all the best event and parties, and like most of us I bet they love meeting awesome people and getting to know new friends. There’s even a chance that your new friend has a friend that is the potential kinky partner you’ve been dreaming of.

What is stopping you? For most of you the only thing standing in your way is yourself. So get out of your own way and send yourself on a new adventure.

If you have any question about how to find the munches and events in your local area then please do get in touch via my contact form and I will do my best to help you find the information you need.

This is the first in my ‘A Switchy Girl’s Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment is ‘Frenzy, Drop and FOMO’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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[FemDom Friday] Don’t Be Swayed By The Stereotypes

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When I first tried my hand at Topping, it was not what I would call a success. I bought the clothes and the shoes that said ‘I am a Dominatrix’, my hair and makeup matched the stereotype that the word Dominatrix conjures. When it came to the nitty gritty though I found that style wasn’t enough, because in attempting to explore that side of myself, I wasn’t the ideal version of a Female Dominant that the people I was Topping had imagined I would be.

In my various wanderings around the internet, I have seen many women say they can’t be Dominant within their kink explorations for a myriad of reasons. The only reason that I believe to be valid for not trying FemDom is that is truly does not interest you. Being petite, having no sadistic inclinations, an attraction to men who take charge in their daily life, or who are physically stronger than you – none of these are to my mind barriers to exploring or enjoying FemDom.

Continue reading “[FemDom Friday] Don’t Be Swayed By The Stereotypes”

[Kink] Super Sexy Thoughts on Erotic Humiliation

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Recently myself and Bakji spoke to Princess Kali about erotic humiliation for ProudToBeKinky. During that podcast I recalled how her book, Enough To Make You Blush, was one of my earliest and favourite resources when I was starting out in my FemDom journey. Having heard Princess Kali on Masocast, I was intrigued by the idea that humiliation play perhaps wasn’t what I thought it was, and decided I would read the book to find out more. What I found out was that the idea of erotic humiliation was really intriguing.

As I said in the podcast blog, humiliation seems to be one of the kinks that gets a lot of people saying ‘oh no, I’m not into that’, when I think in reality a lot of us play with it without even knowing that is what we are doing. The spectrum of humiliation play is vast, and there are so many ways to play with it and not all of them involve stereotype phrases like ‘you’re a pathetic, snivelling, dirty little worm’, although I have used the word pathetic once or twice, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all, if your partner is receptive to it.

There are lots of discussion groups on Fetlife surrounding humiliation, some of which are filled with awesome ideas, and Enough To Make You Blush also contains a lot of hints and scenes that could get you started. As with every kink though we are all different, and what humiliates one person will have no effect on another. Which means that this might be a bit of a long game kink, it might take some time to dig around in your partner’s mind a little to discover what it is that makes them tick.

I am definitely more into verbal erotic humiliation, though I definitely have more physical aspects of humiliation play that I’d like to explore. The kinds of verbal play we engage in are along the lines of embarrassment, teasing and name calling. As I said on the podcast for those who listened, Bakji has no shame, he is a proud and glorious pervert, so I have my work cut out for me when it comes to finding the right words to bring a blush to his cheeks. Unless it’s his bum cheeks in which case a few good spanks causes a beautiful rosy glow.

What I have discovered though is tone and context are everything. Calling your partner simple because they bought the wrong beans at the supermarket, not nice. Calling them simple because they are all sub-spacey and can’t use their words properly, super sexy. Pointing out they can’t use their words properly, and trying to get them to speak, even sexier. Continuing this until they’re completely incoherent and then highlighting how they’re not longer even a proper person but just a support system for a cock, insanely sexy.

Those kinds of things are only fun for me though because Bakji reacts well to them. It is not fun for me to make some cry because I’ve said something triggering and they are tears of genuine upset. It is however fun to make someone cry because they are desperate to come, extremely frustrated and mildly concerned that you’re going to drive them insane with your sexy FemDom sorcery. I haven’t actually made Bakji cry yet, but I will, and when I do it will be glorious, and I will laugh, and he will adore me for it.

This is probably a slightly terrifying insight into my mind for anyone who doesn’t find this kind of stuff fun, but I never knew how freeing and exciting this kind of play would be until I tried it. When `I’m not embracing my monstrous FemDom ego, I’m lovely. I’m very nurturing and kind, I don’t say mean things and I don’t laugh at other people’s misfortune. Which means it is rather liberating to go against the grain and embrace my inner bitch. Now of course this isn’t to say that everyone into FemDom feels this way, kinky Domination isn’t one size fits all and this is just my take on things.

Now if anyone is worrying for Bakji’s safety or his emotional well-being, especially if you’re new and this is the first post you’re reading. We are in a consensual kinky relationship, we’ve had many, many exchanges about what we are happy to engage in, what our limits are and what we are really, really into. Which means I know that I can tie him up and laugh at his sexy frustration and I can be certain he will find it equally sexy that I can enjoy myself so much by teasing him.

I also know where to draw the line. When our scene ends, words are of affection and affirmation. It is beyond important for Bakji to know that the things said during play, are part of our play and not part of our non-kink time together. I don’t randomly name call over dinner, or declare that I am everything and he is nothing when we’re discussing ideas for the podcast. I say lovely things like ‘I fancy you’ and ‘you’re pretty’, and that affords me the opportunity to verbally berate him and tease him mercilessly when we are doing kinky things together.

One of the common things that come up on forums about BDSM, or even about sex, is not knowing what to say. Whether that’s for humiliation play or for sexy talk. I would have said the exact same thing, I also would have said that the idea of speaking during intimate moments was a no go for me. When I started Topping Bakji though I noticed that I started doing this completely naturally. Often all I will do is point out how hard he is, or how badly he wants to kiss me and just the very act of pointing out his very obvious desire and arousal is enough to get the erotic humiliation ball rolling. For anyone who thinks this seems really low level kink and doubts it’s effectiveness I urge you to give it a go, with consent of course.

This all might sound a little bit stereotypical Dominatrix, and I think that probably stops a lot of people testing the waters with humiliation play, but I think it’s worth noting that I do all this with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. Even when you reach the realms of extreme humiliation and degradation, you can still embrace an element of fun when doing it and one would hope that you’re doing it to share an awesome and kinky experience with your bottom, and if that isn’t something to smile about then I don’t know what is.

As with everything I chat about on this blog, I’m no expert, and there is much to be discussed beyond my own personal experience. If humiliation is something you’re curious about though and have been nervous to try, or cautious to discuss with a partner, then this is me saying it’s okay to start small and it’s okay to not know where to being but to still want to try.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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There Aren’t That Many Good BDSM Podcasts

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When we finally released #ProudToBeKinky to the public it had been over a year since I’d started discussing it with Bakji, and even longer since he had envisioned the initial idea. By the time anyone heard our first episode we’d already put a ton of work into it to make it as good as it could be, for our abilities at that moment in time.

A year later and we’ve learnt a lot about both podcasting, and ourselves. The episodes we are putting out now are of course better than they were in the beginning, our passion and our desire to make a great podcast though has remained the same, we have both always been determined to make #ProudToBeKinky the very best it can be.

The reason we do that is because we feel, rightly or wrongly that we have something to share with those people who listen to us. It’s the same reason I write, the same reason people make movies or TV shows, we have thoughts and ideas that we feel might entertain, inform or support other people. 

I think at some point every person hosting a BDSM podcast has heard something akin to the following, ‘I love your podcast, it’s the best BDSM podcast, there really aren’t many other good ones’. Now don’t get me wrong, when someone says they like us best, that is awesome, I love being in that top spot for people. It makes all the effort and sacrifice we put into making #ProudToBeKinky worthwhile, knowing that people are enjoying it and getting something out of it. However, for me there’s another side to that statement that makes me feel less awesome, and that is knowing and listening to a lot of other BDSM podcasts.

We all have our preferred approach to things, some of us will enjoy a more serious approach to kink, some of us will want to hear about high protocol, other will be keen to hear about switching, some of us love guest episode and other will prefer hearing the hosts only. Just because a show isn’t a good fit for you, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not a good show for someone else.

We all, myself included consume podcasts for free. Unless you are kind enough to contribute via a Patreon page or similar, as some of our listeners are. Even then though, your access to the content is not tied in with that contribution, at any moment you can stop supporting your chosen podcast and still enjoy the show. That podcast though, for the people who create is not free, in terms of both money, time and personal sacrifices.

When someone is telling me that another BDSM podcast isn’t that good all I can think about is the time and effort they put into making their show. How much they love it, how much they want their listeners to enjoy it, how excited they are when they get good feedback. I know they aren’t personally hearing the negative things I am, but my heart always sinks for them a little bit, because I know just how much of ourselves we plough into the world of podcasting.

For myself and Bakji podcasting features in our lives every single day. Between planning future episodes, finding future guests, editing recordings, promoting episodes on social media, planning and creating Patreon content and generally thinking of ideas to make the podcasts even better, there is always something for us to do and something for us to discuss. Whether we are in the mood or not, there are days where we just have to plough through and get certain tasks done. That will often include recording with guests at peculiar times, including early hours of the morning, or recording with each other instead of doing something that might be a little bit more intimate.

I’m not saying we should have our favourites, or that we shouldn’t stop listening if we’re not feeling a show and I’m well aware that sometimes there are issues that make a podcast hard to enjoy. I’ve personally stopped listening to podcasts for a variety of reasons, but I’d still give those podcasts a massive high-five for even attempting what is actually a mammoth task. Starting and maintaining a podcast becomes a way of life, it might begin as a hobby, but for most of us I think it becomes so much more.

BDSM is a wide and varied topic, many of us have our first experiences in a wild haze of sub-frenzy often learning some hard lessons along the way. The beauty of podcasts is that those of us who are so inclined to can share our experiences and hopefully people can use that as information to find their own way with their own kinks and fetishes. I think the variety of BDSM allows for a wide range of voices to weigh in with their take on things, provided of course they do so in a responsible manner.

That is why I try my very best to listen to and recommend other Kink podcasts. Even the ones that aren’t my favourites, so long as I’ve listened to them and know they aren’t providng dangerous or questionable advice, because I know that for someone they might be the podcast of choice.

If you’re waiting for me to get to my point, here it is, podcaster’s are awesome and we need love, okay that wasn’t my intended point, but I think it is valid. With that in mind I’m going to ask you a huge favour, if you’ve got a favourite podcast whether it’s kinky or not, whether it’s mine (it so should be) or not, please show them some love. Leave them a review (if your podcast app allows it) if you haven’t already and never hesitate to reach out to them and support them, whether that’s with an email, a retweet or by supporting their Patreon where possible.

To show that I don’t ask for things that I’m not willing to do myself, here are some of my favourite kink, sex or polyamory podcasts. In no particular order though, I am not telling you who my numer one is.

Off The Cuffs

Loving BDSM

Black People Kink

The Dildorks

Polyamory Weekly


Life on the Swingset

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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[Kink] The Vulnerability of Topping

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Recently on #ProudToBeKinky we discussed the internal conflicts of Kink. Those things we might be interested in, or roles we might identify with that for whatever reason might be at odds with our non-kink life.

During the podcast one of the things I mentioned was how I find it much easier to vocalise what I want and to be honest even know what I want as a Top than I ever did as a bottom. I commented on how this seems strange to me because I always thought I was a more natural bottom than Top. My love of FemDom however has completely changed so much about my interests and how I view myself, that I am having to re-evaluate a lot of those thoughts.

Continue reading “[Kink] The Vulnerability of Topping”

Finding Your Local Community

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

We’ve come to another subject about which I’m fairly passionate. Which is probably obvious from the fact I help host a podcast about the social and interpersonal side of kink. Myself and Bakji have probably lost count of how many times we’ve recommended people go to their local munch, or rope group or find their way to a Fetish event.

While I understand joining the local community isn’t for everyone, it is definitely the beginning of something amazing for many people, and for that reason if you are even a tiny bit curious about your local scene, I urge you to give it a try. It honestly could be the best thing you ever do.

While it isn’t perfect, thankfully Fetlife is actually quite wonderful for finding your local community. By clicking ‘Events’ on the Fetlife menu, you can select ‘Events Near Me’ and ‘Events Friends Have RSVP’s To’. Provided you have selected your actual location as your Fetlife location you will be given a lovely list of local events.

One of the reasons I initially decided to go to local kink social is because I was starting over in life. It had been 10 years since I’d been single, I’d had two disastrous encounters with individuals from Fetlife, and I really wanted more out of my fresh beginning. I decided that what I needed was friends. Yes a partner would be wonderful, but what I was initially seeking was friendship and the chance to learn about kink in general and kink on a personal level.

I was very lucky that at my very first social event, which was a lock-in at our local sex shop I met CheshireCat_MMH. This led to many wonderful interactions with a variety of awesome people, many friendships were formed, and I am pleased to say the majority of them are still in place to this day. Most wonderfully of all through that group of friends I met Bakji.

There are so many wonderful things and lovely people I wouldn’t have in my life if I hadn’t decided to find my local community.

Some of the common questions I see or get asked about the local kink/rope community, that are perhaps preventing people from going are:

  • Can we go as a monogamous couple? Is there really any point if you’re not looking for a partner?
    • Absolutely. Munches are brilliant for connecting with like-minded people, learning about new things and generally feeling free to be yourself. Yes it is a good place to go to make connection that might turn to more than platonic friendship, but it isn’t the be all and end all of the function of a munch.
  • I haven’t got anyone to tie  or tie me can I still go to the local rope event?
    • Unless otherwise stated (as it might be for workshops), then yes, you can certainly go along without a rope bottom to tie, or without a rope top to tie you. Often group organisers can facilitate bringing people together to discuss potentially tying together, but there’s actually a lot you can learn by tying yourself. Alongside learning rope skills you can also socialise and meet new people.
  • My age/body type/gender identity/physical abilities/specific kink might mean I won’t be welcome.
    • Hell No! Sadly I’m sure there some shitty communities, but most and I hope it is the vast majority are really inclusive. And yes this counts for rope too. With a little bit of understanding and the desire to work together almost anyone can have an awesome rope experience. I say almost because I’m sure there some factors that mean someone can’t do rope play but overall most of us can.
  • I want to go to a Fetish event but I don’t own the right kind of outfit.
    • Yes you do. Honestly most people will have something in their wardrobe that they can fashion into a suitable outfit for a Fetish event. It is not the terrifying ordeal it seems like it might be. We actually did a whole podcast episode on this very subject as we felt so passionately about it not holding people back.
  • I want to go to a munch but I’m shy/anxious/socially awkward.
    • Then you will fit right in. Don’t for one minute kid yourself that everyone in the kink community is super confident with their shit together. The truth is we are just regular, everyday folk and we all come with our own insecurities, personal issues and idiocies. You know what though? That makes us a really interesting bunch and a fairly understanding bunch too. If you are particularly worried then get in touch with the event organiser beforehand and they can meet you at the door and be sure to introduce you to some people, so you aren’t left to your own devices.

Many people find the kink community and never leave, I personally don’t get to as many munches as I’d like to, but I get to far more Fetish events. Some people spend a good chunk of time in the community until they meet a partner and then they might not feel they need the local community any more. Other people might flit it and out, as and when for as long as they have an interest in kink. All of these approaches are valid.

It’s definitely okay to know that the local scene isn’t for you. If you have a kinky parner and you enjoy doing your own thing at home, that’s absolutely a valid way to kink. If you’ve ever been curious about your local community though and have constantly talked yourself out of going, stop, right now and give it a go. If it’s rubbish, you need never return. If it’s awesome though, you might just have the best time of your life.

You can read more posts about my thoughts on munches and experiences in the scene in the following posts:





When Real Life Interferes with D/s

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

This one I know all about. Obviously you all know I have a blog, and a podcast. Both of which are time-consuming. I also have a 5 year old son and a non-kink evening job to help pay the bills. I also have a Dad I like to see regularly, friends I like to connect with when I can and family members of the little one I take him to see. I also have a Bakji and together we like to get to as many Fetish events as we can, and rope jams, and the odd munch here and there. So as you can imagine life gets in the way of my kink, all the goddamn time!

I wrote ‘Quickies, Not Just For Sex’ a while back, which was in part prompted by a kink drought of about 3 weeks. Where we just couldn’t seem to find time to schedule in any play. After that stint we both resolved that it couldn’t happen again. For us that stretch of time involved no kink and no sex. Both of which are fairly important in terms of creating intimacy. Of course there were kisses and cuddles, but they only go so far. I do love them though don’t get me wrong.

Last week we spent more time together than any other week since we’ve been together, but it was filled with podcast research, podcast recording and very much felt more like business than pleasure. While we did fit in some kink towards the end of the week, I must admit it didn’t quite feel like it was enough to address the balance. So this weekend I really felt like it was important for us to spend some time together without too much podcast action, and with a definite presence of kinky and sexy fun.

I had a scene planned in my mind, and I was all set to go full on FemDom and really put Bakji through his paces. When the time came though, the vibe wasn’t right. I had a feeling a more sensual and playful session might be more fruitful, so I opted out of my planned scene and changed pace a little. Sometimes real life getting in the way means you can lose your rhythm a little bit, and connecting and feeling close felt more important than getting to do my scene as planned.

I think D/s can be a bit of a double-edged sword when it comes to keeping things going while real life continues in flurries around us. On one hand you can have small gestures, rituals, protocols that can keep the kink alive each day. However I think if these are occurring daily without the intimacy of a scene/play session/sexual play happening alongside this somewhat regularly it can make things start to feel like habit rather than something you do for pleasure.

No matter how busy life gets, and trust me I know it can get hella busy, I think sometimes you have to be a little bit ruthless and just say enough is enough we need some goddamn kink. We had the opportunity to go to an event this weekend, and as fun as that would have been I had to be honest and tell Bakji that I really wasn’t feeling it. That what I actually needed was something a bit more intimate than an event with hundreds of other kinksters.

I think it can sometimes be hard to be the person to speak up and say, ‘I actually need x or y kind of time from you’, but doing so it really the only way to make it happen. Also, sometimes our partners might need to hear that. Hearing that someone wants to spend that quality time with you, and values and craves the intimacy you have together can be a wonderful reassurance, especially when things might have gone off the boil a bit.

Bakji and I are very conscious of how we spend our time together, especially now we do so many productive tasks together. Sometimes we only have a small amount of time one day a week, after I finish work at 9pm to do anything kinky together. Often the last thing I feel like doing is getting sexy, and taking charge of a kinky scene. It is always worth it though. Even if we only do a short scene, it is always better than not doing anything at all.

It’s easy to become convinced things need to be elaborate and long-winded, some of our most fun things have been impromptu and short-lived though. One of my favourite memories happened when we were taking the pictures for the FemDom and Fetish FunIMG_3688 (1) artwork, in which my shiny bum made sexy things happen in Bakji’s pants and the only polite thing to do was pull them down and give him a handjob until he jizzed. It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t elaborate, but it was fun, sexy and intimate.

I don’t have all the answers when it comes to navigating real life and still finding time to get kinky. What I do know though is sometimes it only takes one person in the partnership to take the initiative and awesome things can happen. I also know that sexy times can often arise out of sensual and loving acts. Running someone a bath, making them dinner and giving them a nice massage can ease away some of the stresses and strains of real life, and can often make way for more pleasant feelings.

With all that said though, I think there are some days when what we really need is to say ‘I just can’t kink, but I would really love a cuddle’. Part of what I love about the journey Bakji and I have been on since we started exploring our kinks together is that it has helped me learn to communicate on a much better level, I’m far less afraid these days of admitting that sometimes life gets a bit too much and often that means I need a little bit of looking after.

Real life really can interfere with kink dynamics, of all formations, but more often than not I think our kink dynamics can make real life a whole lot easier to deal with.

Maintaining D/s When You’re Apart

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

As we’ve established mine and Bakji’s D/s dynamic doesn’t formally extend into our everyday lives. However, as we don’t live together we do spend time apart regularly and in between seeing each there is a lot of relationship maintenance occurring. What we refer to as Relationship Engineering.

Some of the things that help us keep things ticking over while we are apart are Whatsapp, Instagram and Trello.

Whatsapp is our daily communication, Good Morning messages, Good Night messages and everything in between. I’m not quite sure I could manage a week without seeing Bakji without these daily interactions. I like knowing how he is doing each day, and catching up on how he’s getting on with his podcast tasks and being able to update him on my movements too.

Things do also get a little sexy on Whatsapp too. We often have conversations about what kinky things we might have coming up. When we have these conversations I will often assume my position of Supreme FemDom Ruler of Bakji’s Bum and remind him to say ‘please’ and question his commanding tone, even if he is asking for something good like to worship my bum. All of which is done in good humour and because it is sexy fun. If it wasn’t well received it wouldn’t happen.

Sometimes though our Whatsapp is on a more serious line of conversation, and that is necessary. It usually means we are discussing the podcast or making more detailed plans for travelling to events. In situations like this it’s nice to have other outlets to keep the sexy on the boil. This is where Instagram and Trello play their parts.

Instagram is brilliant for finding ideas for things we would like to try together, especially in terms of images containing Latex. We will often send each other images and ask what the other thinks of it, or check to see if that’s similar to what we may have discussed previously. This can be especially helpful if you couldn’t quite explain something as well as you’d like to have done.

We also send each other pictures of cats and kittens quite a lot too via Instagram. Which has nothing at all to do with D/s, but it’s worth mentioning because if you follow me on Instagram and see cute animal pictures feel free to send them to me. I particularly enjoy videos of them being daft or hugging.

Then comes Trello. Hot Diggidy, we do love Trello. A project management app turned into a sexy management app. We have a board for all our sexy ideas, thoughts and future plans. Some of them can be implemented instantly, some will take time to plan out. Trello has been our number one tool in discussing our kinks together, and it can definitely keep the fire burning when we are apart.

I know lots of other couple use telephone calls and Skype to keep their D/s dynamics and relationships kindled while they are apart, and while we have spoken on the phone a few times, we are usually pretty content with the written form of messaging. We do have a sexy Skype scene suggested for a future date, but we haven’t quite got round to doing it yet.

I think it is definitely important to find the ways of connecting that work for you, and it’s even more important to make it known that connecting and maintaining your relationship/dynamic is important to you too. We all have different needs and expectations for this kind of thing, and it can be easy to get frustrated if those needs aren’t being met. If one partner is content to Skype once a week though and the other would love a daily Good Morning text, someone is going to be bummed out and the other person will have no idea why.

I’m also a big believer in letting someone know if you’re pattern of communication will change. It takes no time at all to send a message letting someone know you will be unable to access your phone for part of the day. I think suddenly going incommunicado on someone when you’d usually be freely messaging them for example can actually be a bit mean. Some of us are natural-born worriers and will leap to all kinds of crazy conclusions. Letting us know you’re going to a business dinner, meeting friends or going on a date can ease a lot of worries that needn’t be present.

If you want to know a little bit more about how myself and Bakji manage our relationship you can listen to Episode 26 of #ProudToBeKinky, where we discuss Relationship Engineering and how we make it work for us.

My blog is now on Patreon, you can come and have a little look at that via https://www.patreon.com/floss. You can also contact me by clicking on the new ‘Contact Floss’ page. Please feel to use that for any messages you might like to send.

How Do I Manage Conflict?

N.B: This blog post was inspired by an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

For anyone who is reading most of what I post, you will know that a lot of my recent blog posts are inspired by the 30 Days of D/s emails from the Loving BDSM website. As regular readers and listeners of #ProudToBeKinky will know, while myself and Bakji do engage in D/s play it is in scene only. So for subjects like this about conflict, it’s less about conflict within D/s and more about conflict within a relationship in general.

I don’t like conflict, I don’t like arguing and I don’t like being surrounding by negative emotions. As with the feelings surrounding discipline and punishment, which I wrote about in my last post, my need to have conflicts resolved quickly or even better avoided is due to how those feelings will affect my mental well-being.

There are many people who feel arguing is a healthy part of their relationship, there are many people who if you tell them you don’t argue as a couple will say ‘that’s not healthy’, I absolutely disagree. I think knowing what is healthy for your relationship is important, any relationship I am in would be unhealthy for me if it involved persistent arguments. I therefore tend to find partners who are of a similar mindset.

Twice I have been involved with people who liked to instigate arguments, nothing could be resolved calmly, and those interactions made me feel physically sick and mentally drained. I will not engage in these behaviours with people any more. I am quite capable of fighting my corner, but I’m also capable of doing it without it descending into anarchy.

This isn’t to say I always handle everything perfectly, I don’t. Sometimes I’m grumpy, sometimes I make assumptions, sometimes I’m too stubborn for my own good, these can all lead to conflict situations quite easily. I’m lucky though that Bakji is much more likely to approach me about these situations calmly, than to fly off the handle at me, which means conflict is usually sidestepped rather than us having a blazing row about it.

It has taken a fair chunk of time for us to become better at communicating which I will talk more about in another blog post, but essentially we deal with conflict by asking questions, hearing the answer and communicating what we need to do moving forward for the situation to not arise again.

I’m not for one minute saying this is how everyone needs to do things. If you’re a couple that thrives on clearing the air by having a good old shouting match, then who am I to tell you you’re wrong. We all do things in our own way. Some people need time apart to gain some perspective, some people need to resolve together. All our methods of resolving conflict are valid.

The only thing I do believe is that we all need to learn what our partner needs when it comes to conflict resolution. Especially if it’s a relationship we treasure. If you need to leave the building to clear your head, and your partner doesn’t know this is your go to conflict state, they may just feel abandoned. Likewise if someone is asking for space and they don’t get it they are going to feel trapped and unable to process.

I think taking time to express to our partners how we personally need to proceed when conflict arises, at a time when things are calm and happy can make a huge difference in how things go when conflict situations actually arise. We quite often learn another side of someone when we engage in disagreements with them, and it’s not always pretty.

For me there are a number of behaviours that would be deal breakers for me if exhibited by a partner as a normal part of their conflict state. I’m not saying everyone needs to have such a hardline on how they are prepared to navigate disagreements, but I do think it is absolutely acceptable to know what does and doesn’t work for you in these situations and to work with your partner to make sure that you come through conflict stronger as a pair and not weaker.

Do We Build Our Friends Up, Or Tear Them Down?

When we spoke to Page from Poly.Land a few weeks back, she discussed how since being polyamorous and developing her ability to enjoy compersive feelings, this had not only occurred with romantic relationships but also with friends. That conversation has been rattling around my brain lately, as I pondered the question; Do we build our friends up or do we tear them down?

I think everyone’s instant reaction would be ‘of course I don’t tear my friends down’, probably with a certain level of outrage for it even being suggested. Which I get, I don’t want to think I ever do that either. However, do we always support people as fully as we can, especially if their endeavours may outshine our own?

IMG_3443At the weekend myself and Bakji went to our local peer rope group. So many of our friends were doing awesome rope, suspending partners, suspending friends and even suspending themselves. Me? I was rolling around on the floor with Bakji randomly tying rope in any old fashion and generally having a giggle with it (see picture for the resulting randomness of tying one human to another). No part of me felt crap about that though, in fact I got all the happy feels seeing them all do so well. Sure I could have sat there and somehow made it their fault that I haven’t learned as much rope as them, but quite frankly that’s the dumbest thing ever. Yet some people still go down that road.

We also have friends who run small businesses, write blogs, record podcasts and run fetish events. Promoting #ProudToBeKinky takes up a huge amount of my time, but where I can I promote and support my friends endeavours too. I do this because I believe in my friends, and I want them to succeed. I don’t sit there coming up with dastardly plans on how to outdo them, or how to muscle in on their success. I guarantee someone is sat reading this thinking ‘who would do that?’, people, that’s who. Sometimes I wonder if they realise they’re doing it.

I have come to realise though that not everyone is like this. Some people seem to actively hope others will fail, or that some kind of unpleasant situation will befall them. Just in case that person’s success overshadows their own, or maybe out of envy that their own situation isn’t where they want it to be. I’ve seen people keep resources to themselves to hinder other people’s learning and I’ve witnessed people downplay other people’s good news, even when they’re the smallest of wins.

I’ve been on the receiving end of these things too, and I’ve sat there thinking to myself, ‘do they know their comment comes of as, ‘oh that, that’s nothing’’. Even though I delivered the news with a bouncy excitement, so clearly to me it was something. I’ve also had people think it’s their place to pass negative comments or twisted observations on my relationship, be it a past or a present one. In a moment when I wasn’t asking for input. So I’m basically sat there going ‘what the fuck?, why would you say that?’

I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m not. I do get that feeling when someone I’m less than fond of is doing something I want to do, or even doing something I’m not but their a roaring success at whatever it is. It’s that ‘urgh why them’, type thought. But you know what, I always check myself, before I wreck myself. Before you ask, yes, I am totally cool enough to use that phrase. The reason I don’t dwell on those thoughts and let them manifest is why shouldn’t someone else have good things, just because we maybe had a falling out, or we don’t get along for other reasons. That’s no reason for me to wish them anything but good luck in life. Also I think holding onto that level of negativity settles inside you and ends up poisoning your own life.

When people let those ‘why them’ type thoughts not only take root, but allow it against their own friends, I find that somewhat baffling. Failing at something, or having a bad experience can have really horrid long terms effects for some people. Not everyone is good at bouncing back. For creative endeavours especially it can be really disheartening if you think no one is interested in what you’re putting out there. That’s why I’m always so grateful to those people who stop by my blog and read my thoughts, and to those who press the like button or leave a comments, that’s even more awesome. To know you’re not speaking to the void is a lovely feeling.

I find I end up distancing myself from those people who constantly seem to have negative things to say about their friends, I’m always left wondering ‘what on earth to they say about me when I’m not here?’ Are they hoping my endeavours will fail too? Or that my relationship will crumble? I work damn hard on all those things, so the fact that anyone could be hoping for their demise is really quite annoying. Especially as I would never do them the same disservice.

Through the podcast and also this blog, the list of people I’m willing to champion has grown. We’ve connected with so many awesome people, and they’ve all got their own voice and their own messages to share, and in some cases products to sell. So here is my big list of friends, who I either know in real life or have made an online connection with and the their endeavours. Please do give them a little visit and see what you think.

Off The Cuffs: a kink and BDSM podcast -Podcast

Parking Lot Radio – Podcast

Will Sean Podcast – Podcast

Drinks With God – Podcast

Take Back Your Sex – Podcast & Blog

Black People Kink – Podcast

Loving BDSM – Podcast

SlapStick Club – London’s Most Puckish Fetish Club

Master M Hatter – Books, MMH Jute Rope & Rope jewellery, Shibari Tutorial

Cheshire Cat – Diary of a slave Blog

Nicholas Tanek – Great books about kink, life and love

Page Turner and Poly.Land – Blog and Book about Polyamory

Nookie Notes Books, Facebook group, Dating site, you name it Nookie has it going on

Kitten Treasures – for all your furry ear and tail needs, plus much more

CollaredMichael – Journey into Male Chastity