[Relationships] My Motivation for Non-Monogamy

This past weekend we had two extra sets of hands to aid with our sexy fun and no matter how far along the non-monogamy journey I go, these kinds of experiences are always something I find myself reflecting on in much greater detail than I do our one-on-one experiences.

After our wonderful friends had left after their weekend with us, myself and Bakji recorded an episode of ProudToBeKinky all about what we got up to with them. Later on in the evening, someone asked Bakji on our Discord chat (for podcast listeners to chat about the show and ask questions) what the difference was for him between non-monogamy and Polyamory. I explore the answer to that question in ‘Beneath the Umbrella of Non-Monogamy’.

One of the things I always circle back round to when reflecting on non-mono experiences and when answering questions about it is friendship. When people who aren’t in the know about non-monogamous lifestyles imagine what our number one motivation is for being non-monogamous I suspect sex, and lots of it is the main reason they suspect for our deviation from monogamy.

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[Relationships] Beneath the Umbrella of Non-Monogamy

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A little while back I read a blog post that is no longer available about polyamory and swinging myths, it was a great post and it inspired me to talk about another type of alternative relationship model, non-monogamy. I wrote the article below for that blog, but later on in the week I would like to share another post about a more specific non-monogamous experience and I think this post is a perfect preface to that one, so I am taking the opportunity to share it with you now.

For me, non-monogamy is both an umbrella term and a more specific way to describe my own relationship without using a descriptor that could be a little misleading. Myself and Bakji both identify as non-monogamous, both as individuals and within the dynamic we have together.

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[Kink] Cuckolding. It’s Not Completely Cuckoo!

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Cuckolding. Is It What You Think It Is?

The dictionary definition of a cuckold is, ‘the husband of an adulteress, often regarded as an object of derision.’ In terms of cuckolding as a kink or Fetish, there is a lot missing from that sentence to get a clear picture of why people enjoy cuckolding with the kink community.

I’m going to start with the term adulteress. Adultery is defined as extramarital sex that is objectionable on the grounds of social, religious, moral or legal grounds. In terms of consensual cuckolding as part of a kink lifestyle, I don’t think many people would identify themselves as an adulterer. While society may class any extramarital sex as adultery, when the sex in question is strengthening or adding to your marriage or long-term relationship, it doesn’t really come under the same category as infidelity.

Continue reading “[Kink] Cuckolding. It’s Not Completely Cuckoo!”

[Life] Feeling Secure within Alternative Relationship Models

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In my post ‘Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles’ I spoke about how my sleeping brain was causing me to feel insecure, and how security looks different within an alternative relationship model. I’m far from being an expert on this matter, and I have so much still to learn, there are some things I’ve figured out along the way though and as always I like to share those things with my lovely readers.

When Bakji and I first started playing together I was ridiculously ill equipped to deal with the feelings I would face surrounding how our friendship would change and grow. I was so convinced that I would never be in a position of having a ‘primary partner’ while exploring non-monogamy, that I didn’t seek out the resources I needed to guide me through that soon enough.

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[Life] Compersion: Buzzword, Or Beautiful?

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When you start delving into resources for polyamory and non-monogamy, you start to realise that as well as learning about new relationship models, you also start to learn a new language. You can find a very extensive glossary on the More Than Two site, to get a better idea of what I mean. One of the words that has popped up recently on my blog is compersion. That feeling of joy some people get from knowing their partner is finding sexual or romantic happiness with another person.

When I first joined the kink scene I had no idea I’d be presented with non-monogamy as a lifestyle choice. In my previous non-kink life, even the idea of a threesome was only hot in theory, I never, ever would have genuinely considered having one. When it became apparent that new experiences would open to me if I consider non-monogamy I decided to give it a shot. It was as a unicorn though that I decided to tip my toe in the non-monogamy waters.

Continue reading “[Life] Compersion: Buzzword, Or Beautiful?”

[Life] Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles

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Back in September I wrote ‘The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome’, and yes I’m aware I use the word awesome far too much, but I like it, loads, so you’re stuck with it. In that writing I covered some of my thoughts on compersion, and how I’d finally experienced it in some way, which I thought I never would. I debated whether or not writing about it again was worthwhile, for fear I might repeat myself and not add anything new to the mix, then I thought about it more and realised there is always more to unpack when it comes to non-monogamy.

“Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”

Continue reading “[Life] Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles”

Other Peoples Kinks & The Words We Use

The words we use are really important. How we phrase what we want to say can make or break a conversation. How many times have we all heard someone say ‘I don’t mean to be rude but …’? As we know, most of the time the comment that follow is rude, and usually unnecessary. When it comes to kink the phrase is usually ‘I’m not judging but …’. Guess what? If you feel the need to point out that you’re not judging, then you probably are. I am aware that sometimes that judgement isn’t meant with any malice, but depending on who hears, it could well be misconstrued. Especially if shared in writing across the internet. 

When we join the kink scene, for many people it is the first time they are in an environment where they are accepted exactly as they are, without having to omit some part of themselves. Yet so many of them same people will, within this safe environment, vilify other people’s kinks.

I read something today where someone unknown to me posed the question: ‘What kink made you go ‘OMG people actually get off on that?’ Then proceeded to say they weren’t judging but they’d just read up on Queening and they couldn’t believe people get turned on by that! Maybe I was being sensitive, seeing as I’m a huge fan of this, however the reason it resonated with me was how many times I’ve heard similar conversations about different kinks. As I say I don’t know this person, maybe they are the sweetest loveliest person, and just explained their question poorly. The replies poured in though, lots and lots of replies with what kinks other people found ‘icky’ or ‘weird’ or ‘gross’. Kinks that will be very much a turn on for plenty of people. 

My own personal rule of thumb is, I don’t know what kinks people are still coming to terms with, I have lots of kinky friends. Many of whom are very open about their kinks, but that doesn’t mean they are open about them all. I have kinks I am interested in, but am yet to explore that I don’t talk to anyone but Bakji about. So when I hear someone go ‘No way, that’s gross/makes me feel sick/is plain weird’, I can’t help but wonder if someone else in the room has just had their kink made fun of and maybe in that moment they will decide never to tell anyone about it, just incase it isn’t well received. 

Obviously some kinks are more likely to cause this than others. I personally am not into Scat as a kink, and as far as I know I do not know anyone who it. Will it stop me being your friends if you are though, not in the least. Will I be open to listening to why it interests you, sure thing. Could I engage in it with a partner? Not at all. I can still be supportive of someone engaging in it with another consensual adult though, if it’s not hurting anyone what difference does it make to me? I understand it is a very emotive kink, but for someone, somewhere it is a very realy part of their kinky life, who are we to judge that?

I’ve been in a conversation where foot fetishism was disparaged by someone, at the time I was only just becoming curious about it, but I knew for sure at least one other person present was really into it. I personally couldn’t care less if people who I’m not intimate with don’t like my kinks, but for people who are less confident or who are seeking validation from their peers, these kinds of comments can be really damaging.

These kinds of comments by non-kink folk are a large part of why people don’t come to munches, or why they hide their kinks from partners. To actually make your way into the community and find yourself still on the receiving end of these comments must be really disheartening.

I’m not saying I’m perfect and have never placed judgement on kinks I’ve come across, of course I have. As a person with thoughts I am making judgements all the time, what I do with those judgements though is what is important to me. What I try really hard not to do is voice negativity. Positivity though, hell yeah, I’m all over judging you positively and saying so. Cute picture on Instagram? I’m saying so. Have you inspired me? I’m saying so. Has your kink got me wanting to try something new? I’ll tell you so. Have you made me curious? Questions will be heading your way. Am I going to point out that I don’t like your shoes though, or can’t really get my head around you kink, no chance. 

I think this was probably the ethos behind the acronym ‘YKINMK’, ‘Your Kink Is Not My Kink’, often followed by ‘But That’s Okay’, and other variations thereof. However more and more I am seeing ‘YKINMK’ used as way to point out someone isn’t into that other person’s Fetish. Almost as if they’re sat at their keyboard after stumbling across a picture and it’s really not there thing, and instead of just moving on, they feel they have to say something, they can’t just say ‘Wow that’s odd’ or ‘Can’t believe you’re into that’, because that would be rude and kink shaming. So instead they say ‘Your Kink Is Not My Kink’, just so everyone knows.

This honestly baffles me, I’d guesstimate 90% of the pictures I see on Fetlife hold no interest for me, for a myriad of reasons, when I don’t enjoy them i just keep clicking and perving until I find one that makes me hit the love button. And no, I don’t mean my personal love button you perverts. Okay sometimes it’s my personal love button, but can you blame me? Some pictures I find are really hot.

I really would love for anyone who wants to join the scene to feel like they will be entering a safe space to discuss all their consensual kinks, whether they are popular or more unique. I’d also love for people already in the scene to feel like it’s okay for them to open up discussions about new kinks they might have developed.

This is part of the reason I jumped at the chance to be involved with the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast. It is a great platform for us to be able reach people who might otherwise be doubtful that they will fit in if they join the kink community. Especially if they have seen a comment from someone somewhere saying ‘I can’t believe anyone would actually be into that’, while trying to find validation or information for their kink.