[FemDom Friday] The Secret to Success

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One of the most common questions I get asked about FemDom is ‘where do I begin’. After establishing that your partner wants to be Dominated and that you want to do the Dominating people suddenly panic about how to go about doing that, and what formula they can follow to get it right. I not only understand the thinking behind this question, but it was a question I asked myself before I started to get my confidence in Topping Bakji.

The secret to worrying about this less is a lot simpler than you’d think, and if you can take it to heart and truly believe it your FemDom sessions will surge forward with much enjoyment for you both. The key to FemDom success?

They Want Your Attention.

I made it bigger and bolder because I want you to seriously consider what it is I am saying and commit it to memory and remind yourself of it every time you think you might be getting something wrong.

I can think of a multitude of times where I fumbled during a scene, took too long to decide what to do next, generally thought the whole scene was a bag of scrap and worried that Bakji was hating every minute of it. If you ask Bakji however many times that has been the case? Zero. That’s right, not once has he noticed anything being amiss. All he’s ever focused on is the the fact I’m doing sexy stuff to him. In the pauses where I’m thinking, or wondering what to do next, he is anticipating just how sexy the next thing will be.

Your actions don’t have to be fancy and elaborate for a FemDom session to be fun, especially not in the early days. If you’ve never explored the Top/bottom dynamic before, and things like bondage and blindfolds are new too, then the most simple of sessions can actually be mind blowing.

Even now when my own scenes have moved forward a little, and we do on occasions indulge in some more intense kinks, I don’t forget the simpler acts. Using simple under bed restraints, blindfolding your partner and kissing every inch of them, might seem really tame to some people. The person tied down though is likely to end up aching for more, and probably eager for attention that perhaps has a more sexual direction, especially if you’ve carefully avoided their more intimate areas as you play.

Being the focus of someone’s attention is delightful, and having someone be at your mercy (in a sexy and consensual way of course) is the flip-side of that and it too is wonderful position to be in.

It can be all to easy to overthink what it means to be the one in charge of a scene, and yes as time and dynamics progress the responsibilities and intricacies of that may well grow. In your early days of exploration though there is nothing wrong with keeping it simple and lavishing your bottom with lots of sexy attention that will have them weak at the knees and desperate to come.

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This is the eleventh article in a 12 part series, the final instalment ‘Enjoy Yourself and Have Fun’ is coming soon. You can hear more of my thoughts on FemDom and Kink by tuning in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi. All support through Ko-fi is going towards my Eroticon attendance in March. 

[FemDom Friday] FemDom Can Be Sex Inclusive

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‘Don’t you miss having sex?’

A question I have been asked many times with regards to being into FemDom. It’s hard to know where to begin with unraveling the myth behind this particular question, so let’s just acknowledge one thing straight away … FemDom can be sex inclusive.

The beauty of being the one in charge, whether that just in a scene or in a more extended FemDom dynamic is that you get to call the shots. (Within established parameters and respecting limits of course.) I have always known that I could include sex in my FemDom scenes, learning how to incorporate it was trickier, that however was about my personal approach, rather than about some unwritten rule of no sex for Dominant Women.

[FemDom Friday] Even Hardcore Kinks Have Low Level Entry Points

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One of the most common reasons people tell me that they don’t feel like they can explore FemDom, even when the desire is there, is because they aren’t into ‘the right things’. Once again porn feeds into some absolutely legitimate and wonderful kinks, but often they portray the more advanced end of the scale.

One of the things I always suspected and was delighted to see it confirmed in Princess Kali’s book ‘Enough to Make You Blush’ is that even hardcore kinks have low level entry points. While I am a huge advocate of every reading her book, I know many of you won’t, so I am exploring my own thoughts on the subject to spread the word. Essentially though, from beginning to end, her book is suitable for everyone. Even those people who deemed humiliation not for them, just like I did. Spoiler Alert: I now love erotic humiliation.

When you first enter the kink community or first start exploring a new side to you kinky repertoire it can be easy to become flustered by some kinks and think that you could never do them. It seems to be a secret that all kinks have low level entry points.

[FemDom Friday] It’s Okay For Submissives To Have A Voice

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My own D/s dynamic only comes into play when we engage in kinky scenes. However I stand by the message of this article regardless of whether you have an in scene dynamic only or a 24/7 Master/slave dynamic and I am prepared for the onslaught of emails telling me I am wrong, but I think it is very important for some people to hear my take on this.

Regardless of your specific D/s dynamic or the frequency of it, your submissive does not cease to be a human being, and as such they have their own thoughts, feelings and desires. While the Dominant one in the dynamic may well do a lot of the leading and decision making, again depending on your specific situation, no Dominant is all knowing. Despite the spate of ‘Dominants’ who seem to think they are just that.

[Kink] Communication: It’s Good For Ewe

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Apologies for the terrible pun of title, but I couldn’t resist when I decided to use this photo off Pixabay for my featured image. 

One of the most recurring topics of conversation about how to do kink ‘right’ is about communication. What kinks people have and how they enjoy them is 100% down to their personal preferences, provided of course that they are engaging in them with other consenting adults. For many of us though good communication is a fundamental part of exploring kink. What ‘good’ looks like may indeed vary from person to person, and I think like myself and Bakji, your ‘good’ becomes better over time, and your old ‘good’ looks a little lacking.

Myself and Bakji have grown together in terms of improving our communication and honestly it has been one of the most rewarding parts of our sexy-friendship. Neither of us were great at face to face discussions in the early days, and that meant finding more creative ways of sharing our thoughts with each other.

[FemDom Friday] It Doesn’t Have To Be 24/7

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When you first join Fetlife, or even when you are perusing BDSM accounts on platform like Twitter and Instagram, you would be forgiven for thinking the majority of D/s enthusiasts are living the lifestyle 24/7, with high protocols and a signed contract as long a their arm tucked away for safekeeping.

Don’t misunderstand me, I am not dismissing the 24/7 lifestyle. It is valid and fulfilling for those who are suited to it and I am the first to love hearing from people who do enjoy their D/s dynamics in this way. However, for some of us, it just isn’t possible, or yearned for, and that is okay too. While I am not currently involved in anything close to 24/7 I certainly do not rule it out, you never know what is round the corner and I think staying open to all manner of BDSM opportunities is a wise move.

[FemDom Friday] Be Prepared for Top Drop

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For any newbie kinkster starting to explore BDSM the topic of sub drop comes up fairly quickly. Whenever I write about drop it is always in a generic sense. It is not only submissives that can get drop, anyone engaging in any kinds of BDSM activities leaves themselves open to dropping afterwards. The reason is simple, what goes up, must come down.

When we engage in kink activities it can often feel euphoric, we can space out, fly high and when the fun stops, especially without proper aftercare we can come crashing back to reality with a bang. Tops are not exempt from this.

When I started engaging in FemDom with Bakji I got a bigger rush than I perhaps ever did with subbing. I love the headspace it takes me too, and our dynamic means I push myself as Top further and further as my experience as a Top progresses. I hadn’t experienced sub drop for a fair while when I started Topping, so I naively wasn’t prepared to drop as hard as I did.

[Kink] Is BDSM Curious a Valid Kink?

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The wonderful Posy Churchgate wrote a piece for this week’s Masturbation Monday called ‘Under My Thumb.’ At the end of the piece, which I found to be a very thought provoking read, and while I began to comment on her post directly, I feel that my thoughts might be suited to some of my readers here.

 

Can You Be ‘BDSM Curious’?

“Since joining the kink community which surrounds the Twitter sex bloggers, I have begun to refer to myself as BDSM curious.  I don’t know if it’s an actual ‘thing’ …” – Posy Churchgate

[Kink] A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Trigger Plans.

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Try as we might to ensure all our BDSM scenes and play session go smoothly, there is always a chance of something not going according to plan. When an action, phrase or scenario stimulates a reaction in an individual we refer to it as a trigger.

Trigger – an experience that provokes or generates a memory or reaction for someone

For the purposes of this article I am referring to the kind of triggers that are unwelcome and will likely end your scene and require all participants involved to know what the next steps are after the trigger has occurred. It is worth noting though that triggers can also be used to stimulate welcome reactions, but this should absolutely be explored after negotiation and with consent.

Triggers may be known to us, or they may be something we stumble upon during play. I have been trigger twice during my time as a kinkster and both times they were things that I did not know to avoid. Now I know and I would actively mention the activities that triggered to future partners as hard limits.

It can be mortifying to everyone involved when a trigger is found, especially if you weren’t expecting it. Nobody likes to be the one to end a scene early, but there is no good to come from blaming ourselves or others when this happens. It is one of the risks we accept when engaging in kink and how we deal with it has the potential to be a defining moment in whether or not a dynamic is successful or indeed if someone chooses to continue exploring their kinks. Not to mention that some triggers may relate to past abuse, including but not limited to things like rape, sexual assault, physical assault, verbal abuse and domestic violence. All triggers are valid and important but it is worth remembering some may transcend what we are used to handling in our own lives.

Reassuring. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. These should be the kinds of things we aim to provide with a trigger plan. Ensuring our partner/s a safe space to recover and work through the feelings they have encountered.

To give a comprehensive list of what things might trigger someone would be impossible. Physical actions, name calling, teasing,  specific words, smells, songs, body positions, tone of voice, emotions, noises, individual people, are just a few things that might trigger someone. While that may make it seem like a terrifying prospect to play with anybody, just in case you trigger them, the solution to navigating triggers is simple. Communication.

Anyone and everyone who offers advice or education on BDSM will mention communication so often that you will wonder if we get some sort of commission from a secret communication organisation. The truth is, we go on about it so often because it is so incredibly important. Discussing past experiences, current desire and hopes for your kinky future can go a long way to highlighting what might be a potential trigger.

Even with due diligence and everyone’s best effort, things can still go wrong. It might be with a new partner, it could be after years with being someone. Sometimes it might make sense, sometimes it might not. Whatever the situation or the specific trigger what can we do to help someone after the event.

As with everything in life individual cases will differ, but some of the more popular things that get included in trigger plans are:

• Physical affection and closeness
• Being in company
• Being left alone
• Food and drink
• Staying warm and cosy
• Peace and quiet
• Talking things through
• Taking their mind of it
• Anything that offers comfort – cuddly toy, favourite music, favourite movie etc

Trigger plans are not just for bottoms and submissives. Tops and Dominants may also require support after triggers too. If as a bottom or submissive you are wondering how you help a Top or Dominant through a trigger, the answer is simple, treat them like a person and offer them the same kindness you would want for yourself.

It can be extremely tough to watch someone you care for suffer the effects of being triggered, especially if it is your actions or a thought you induced that caused it. While in the immediate moments and days after a trigger are quite rightly likely to be focused on the person who experienced the trigger, I would recommend that once you feel able to that you check in on your partner and enquire after their feelings on what happened.

When done correctly everything we do in kink we do together. Whether you are engaging in a long term D/s dynamic or a one time Top/bottom exchange. No one is exempt from feelings, and everyone has the potential to be triggered. The balance of giving and taking is far easier when things are going right, but keeping that same balance when things go wrong is often a lot harder, but it’s just as, if not more imperative to get right in those situations.

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This is the fourth instalment in my ‘A Switchy Girls Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment is ‘BDSM Labels and Roles’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

[FemDom Friday] Be Prepared To Find New Kinks

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This one is actually great advice for anyone exploring kink, fetish and BDSM, regardless of the initial interest that begins their exploration. Without exception every kinky person I have had in depth conversations with about kink has discussed at least one kink they never knew they had or never believed they would be into.

Fledgling Floss: I would never do piss play

FemDom Floss: OMG I sooo want to try piss play

Fledgling Floss: What happened to I would never … ?

FemDom Floss: *shoves a gag in Fledgling Floss’ mouth*

Bringing it back round to FemDom though, a journey many of us embark on in a fairly low key manner. Often with a little hesitation thrown in too due to many of the thoughts I will be addressing in these articles; Will I get it wrong? What if I’m not Dominant enough? What if I’m not a Sadist? These list goes on.