[FemDom Friday] FemDom Is For Switches Too

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Switch – A person who may feel Dominant or submissive depending on their mood or their partner. Switching also encompasses those who identify as Top/bottom, and Sadist/masochist

I never would have found my love of FemDom if I hadn’t initially thought I was a submissive. When I joined the kink scene it was with the assumption that I would find a Dominant to explore my submissive side with. While in some ways that did happen, another and surprising thing happened too. I realised that while I do enjoy being a bottom, I have a great passion for Topping, and the resulting conclusion was that I am in fact a Switch.

Top – A person who is in control during a scene, this person may or may not identify as a Dominant

Bottom – A person who gives up control, receives physical sensation and/or verbal instruction during a scene from a Top, this person may or may not identify as submissive

Continue reading “[FemDom Friday] FemDom Is For Switches Too”

Reddit Inspired: Munches … Why Do We Go?

I really hope I’m preaching to the choir with this blog post, but just in case someone with no knowledge of the social side of BDSM stumbles onto my blog, I’m going to write this so it’s here for them to find.

This is another Reddit inspired blog post, I think now that I’ve deleted all the rubbish subreddits, so that my front page is entirely relevant to me you’ll be getting a lot more of these. So there I was perusing Reddit, when someone asked advice about their first munch. I send a well thought out reply, with all my top thoughts, and when I return later I see the following comment:

Munches … ‘Why do people do this? I don’t need to flag my sexuality and discuss it with other outcasts.’

Now don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of don’t feed the trolls. I think people who comment on things online with the sheer purpose of irritating people and instigating online arguments are just the most pitiful people going. However, in a discussion where new people, who might be easily dissuaded from actually being brave enough to take that first step are likely to read such ignorant comments, I felt I had to say something to highlight the fact he was in fact a douchebag. I’d also like to say that if the question had been ‘I’ve got a sub, who I met online, I’ve never had a problem using the internet for this kind of thing, I’m really curious as to why people go to munches.’ Then there wouldn’t be a blog post. I am not against people asking why. I am against people judging why.

Anyway, I politely pointed out that we go to munches to meet people with similar interests, so we can fulfil our sexual/emotional/physical desires with someone who understands our kinks. Also that it’s nice to have friends who understand the things we’re into because not doing so can indeed make kinky people feel like outcasts. I explained that munches at their heart are about finding a community in which you can be yourself and learn from others because it’s not that easy to just randomly stumble across someone  in non-scene  life who has the same kinks as you, especially if your kinks are a little more unusual. I posed the question ‘People with common interests meet up all the time, sports bars, book clubs, car shows, knitting groups, why should BDSM be any different?’

His reply was priceless:

‘I don’t see other sexual deviants having these meetups. Except maybe furries … with whom I don’t want any connection. What’s wrong with the internet? Also I already have a sub, so there’s really nothing for me there. I tend to not like other bdsm people… they’re usually the special snowflakes that didn’t fit in earlier in their life.’

Firstly, hell yeah we are special snowflakes! Most of us probably didn’t fit in too well at some points in our life, the reason being? We are too frickin awesome! Secondly thank goodness he doesn’t like other BDSM people, we do not need attitudes like this at munches. I personally love meeting other sexual deviants, and I am baffled that he seems to use that as a derogatory statement. All my friends are deviant perverts and I love them all the more for it. As for Furries, I don’t know any, and that makes me sad. I am so curious about getting myself in a furry suit. I’d like to be a cute colourful fox or kitten. I’d love friends to explore this with.

On a more serious note, I know he was trolling. I suspect the fact I even replied made him feel validated! Which makes me feel dirty, and not in the good way. Attitudes like this though, and similar thought processes, are quite possibly what prevents people from being brave enough to go to a munch, because:

  1. What if someone finds out they’ve been? Will they be judged as a ‘sexual deviant flagging their sexuality’?
  2. If they do get found out will they become an ‘outcast’ with their friends and family?
  3. What will the other attendees be like? Will we be more perverted than they can handle?

Those thoughts are so common that I think everyone I know used one of them as a reason not to go to a munch at least once before they actually joined the scene. It is in part the reason Bakji thought up the idea that has become #ProudToBeKinky, and my belief that we need to move away from these attitudes is why I wholeheartedly supported his endeavour and how I’ve come to be so involved in it.

I am by their very definitions a pervert and a sexual deviant. I’m also a Mum, a friend, a daughter, a colleague. I try to be kind and caring, I’ve got personal issues with hugs and stuff, but I’ll put that aside if a friend needs a hug while they cry. When my son is with his Dad I go off on my adventures with Bakji, but if my phones goes, and it’s from my son or about my son, I am a Mum, always. Nothing could outrank him ever. I’ve told my Dad all about my BDSM lifestyle and guess what, he still loves and supports me, because he knows I am more than just my lifestyle. My colleagues are all non-kink, yet all ask me what my latest event was like and what I wore. None of them have been harmed by hearing about my lifestyle.

That is what you are getting when you go to a munch. Real people, with real lives who enjoy kinky stuff. Some people only do kink once in awhile in the bedroom, some have 24/7 dynamics. There are folk like myself and Bakji who love going to lots of Fetish events, and others who never go to big events at all. Even at rope groups, where the aim is to tie or be tied, we turn up in our comfy clothes, stand around drinking tea and chatting, hardly ever about rope or kink funnily enough.  

The viewpoint that different equals scary and threatening is surely outdated. Though I appreciate that thought process is having an effect on the world in far more terrifying ways than stopping people going to munches. I once got told by someone that I was ‘just a free loving hippy who wanted the world to live in harmony’, and it wasn’t meant as a compliment. The statement wasn’t incorrect though, it was their tone that made me realise they thought it was a bad quality.

Essentially though it’s true, and I’ll keep this next bit Kink oriented so this blog post doesn’t get too heavy. I don’t care what your kinks are, my only thoughts about other people’s kinks and fetishes are:

  • That we should engage in them with consensual adults
  • That we should all be aware of the risks we may encounter
  • That where possible and appropriate we learn necessary safety measures and adhere to them

If someone is happy doing BDSM things at home, with someone they met online and never wants to go to a munch. Fine. If someone only wants to do online D/s. Fine. Are you into sniffing worn socks? Fine. Scat? Fine. Bondage? Fine. Sex toys? Fine. Crossdressing? Fine. The list is endless, and covers every kink or fetish you can think of. I really try my hardest to listen, learn and not judge. What I’m not fine with? Myself and other people being told what we should or shouldn’t do, think or feel. If you are small-minded, bigoted, judgemental, cruel, or a bully online or in person, then you can fuck right off.

If however you have an open heart and an open mind, and you like to celebrate people’s differences and support safe environments in which people can be themselves and explore who they might one day become, then you’re lovely and we should be friends.

When Normal Supports The Unconventional

As I mentioned briefly in my last blog post, myself and Bakji are a few months off having been intimately involved for 2 years. I must admit when we first started spending time together I didn’t envisage us being involved for much more than a few months. Not because I wasn’t into him, I really, really was. However, I was in strange place with relationships generally and his views were staunch and well publicised each time we met, I honestly felt that at some point our needs would be too different to continue. Here we are though, not a couple of months, but a couple of years later, I sometimes wonder how exactly have we made it this far.

We had a somewhat awkward moment last weekend though, that made me realise how important some things we do together are to me, and how they have helped things grow between us.

I will give brief version of the awkward scenario, just for giggles, before I move on to my main points. There we were, house sitting for my Dad & his girlfriend, about 30 minutes after the end of a pretty intense scene. Kinky stuff all over the place, both half naked, mid-way through getting dressed, when there’s a noise at the door. My dad, who has never once returned early from these trips, is indeed early, by about 4 hours. Cue me answering the door in my leggings and bra, trying to explain why they can’t come into their own house.

‘There’s stuff everywhere’ I say, emphasising the word stuff, praying my dad will get that I mean my weird stuff. But no …

‘We don’t care about that’ he says looking perplexed.

Without another thought i just blurt out ‘Bakji’s naked’.

Which actually works, they realise what they’ve stumbled into and go off for a coffee while we gather ourselves together. Like teenagers who’ve just been caught ‘doing it’, we hurriedly hid all our kinky wares, including removing some very kinky looking shiny black palette wrap from a gym bench. I did however have to explain why I had a gym bench in my car at a later point! Then once that was all done, Bakji headed back to his, I headed off to pick my son up from his Dad’s, and just like that normal life took over.

That evening I felt at a bit of a loss, I always miss Bakji when we’re apart, but saying proper goodbyes and receiving as many hugs as possible before parting make the pangs of missing him much easier. I realised then how important some of our ‘normal’ is facilitating what is a fairly unconventional relationship in some people’s views.

As I’ve touched upon before, and is probably obvious from above we don’t live together, and neither of us have any intentions of doing so in the future. There are a few other things we don’t do that I always considered not only normal for relationships, but things you had to do to validate your relationship, such as:

  • We don’t see each other every day
  • We don’t do family events together
  • It took a long time for the words ‘relationship’ & ‘couple’ to come into play
  • We still don’t use girlfriend/boyfriend
  • Though not currently actively poly, we’re not monogamous either, though that is less of a factor for me than it is for Bakji

I am very open with everyone I know about my life. So all my friends and family know I have a Bakji in my life, and it takes about one mention of him for them to realise what kind of relationship we have. So when I then start explaining the finer details they tend to get very confused. They don’t understand how I can be happy with what they see as deficiencies, purely because they would seek more time or need more clarity in their own personal relationships.

What I have come to realise in my time with Bakji though is that having the things I need to have, is far more important to me than having the things people think I should have. I don’t need a live in partner or someone to wear the boyfriend label, what I want is someone who makes me happy and will go on adventures with me, I want to be passionate about them and I want more than anything to be a positive presence in their life.

I never really thought about why I’m happy doing things the way we do though, especially as it is so different to how I’ve done things before. I think what it boils down to though, is the things we do that support our relationship and help it grow, they keep me from needing to ask for those more conventional things out of fear or insecurity. Not that I’m saying that’s why other people do those things, but in my current situation I think it’s an accurate reflection for me.

I’m also not trying to claim I’m never insecure either, but that is probably a blog post for another day. However on the whole, I’m secure enough to be happy in what we have. But this weekend has definitely shown me that without the positive things we do to reinforce what we have, things would probably be very different.

I don’t find physical affection that natural to engage in, Bakji however is the exact opposite, and I’ve recently realised just how much I need the hugs and the physical closeness, when those things are absent, even if I’ve spent the whole day with Bakji, I miss him terribly, in a way that starts to feel unmanageable because it will manifest into other more unwelcome feelings. So I’m grateful that he is always ready to ply me with hugs and kisses, and that I am I hope getting better at initiating these things myself.

I’ve also become quite fond of our daily messages, and our good mornings and goodnights. This isn’t something we sat down and decided we should do, it just seems to have evolved organically. That daily contact though, makes me feel connected to him in a way I wouldn’t if we just caught up on things at the weekend. I like hearing about his day, and telling him about mine.

I never really thought about those little things before and about what they meant to me. How important those normal everyday actions are in supporting us navigate our slightly less conventional relationship, and I’m so grateful for all those little things.

Hard Limits, Forgetfulness & Forgiveness

I read a post today on reddit about hard limits and it got me thinking. A brief paraphrased version of the post would go something like:

‘My Dom has forgotten my hard limits on multiple occasions. I believe he genuinely did forget, but I’m struggling to submit to him now that trust has been broken. Can a D/s relationship ever recover from this.’

The hard limits provided within this post were face slapping, urination, blood and knife play. Before I had read which limits had been forgotten, my initial reactions were:

  • That face slapping can be quite an impulsive reaction
  • Whereas something like knife play is surely pre-meditated
  • That once is a mistake, but twice? Hmmm … Not so sure
  • That if you need to ask if you can recover from this kind of thing, you probably can’t.

My personal hard limits are few and pretty standard, but nearly all of which would need to be pre-planned to violate them. For example, I have a hard limit of coffins being involved in my play. So if Bakji was suddenly to turn up with a coffin to pop me in, I would know he had purposely planned it. There aren’t many limits I have that I think he would be able to just ‘forget’.

However, if he did happen to slip up with my limits. Say for example there was a coffin at a Fetish Club, and he bent me over it for a spanking without thinking. I know it would be something we could get past. We have been involved together in an intimate manner for almost 2 years now. I don’t just trust him a bit, I trust him wholeheartedly. Physically and emotionally, and I know he would never intentionally do me harm or upset me. So any mistake made, would be just that, a genuine mistake.

I also know if he ever did make this kind of mistake, he’d be mortified and apologetic. As I would be if I ever made this kind of error while Topping him. I would bend over backwards to make things okay for him again, and if it took time to win his trust back I most definitely would give him all the time it took. At the end of the day, looking after each other and making sure we are in the right frame of mind for our kinky activities is paramount.

In the particular post that prompted this writing, there seemed to be some frustration on the part of the Dominant that the sub was struggling with trust issues now, and couldn’t find it in herself to submit in the way she had been doing. This to me was more of a red flag than initial mistake. We are all human, and mistakes are made, but surely how we respond to our errors is the mark of who we are.

Some mistakes are obviously harder to forgive than others, for whatever reason sometimes we just can’t get past things. For me though how someone owns their shit is far more telling than the error they made. Can you own up, apologise and make the required efforts to make amends? If so then that is what matters to me, more so than someone being a flawless human who is error free.

That said, Bakji’s hard limits are pretty much etched into my brain. As are the things he’s really into, and the things he enjoys on certain occasions. I cannot imagine forgetting any of these things, even when I’m in the heady throes of Topspace, I am so focused on him, his enjoyment or discomfort depending on the type of play we are engaging in, forgetting seems just impossible.

As they say though, pride comes before a fall, so I will  not be so arrogant as to say it will never happen. I shall instead endeavour to always remember all the things he loves the most, and ply him with those, and commit to memory all the limits hard and soft, so all our encounters are to the best of my ability as enjoyable for us both as they can possibly be.

Bum Pictures Are Not an Invitation

I think I’ve covered this before, it seems however some topics just can’t be covered enough. Maybe my true message was lost between too much rambling, so I’m going to have a mini rant again.

**Once again I am using Cisgendered Heteronormative pronouns, because CisHet guys you are the only people as yet to be guilty of this in my inbox.

So you’ve seen someone catch you eye on Fetlife, Social Media or another outlet. You think you’d like to chat to that person, you probably also find them physically attractive and your imagination may have run away with thoughts of what it would be like to play with them. So far, so good. I’ll admit to having had people catch my eye in this way myself.

Do you know when it all goes wrong though? When you decide to use your penis to write a message! I don’t mean physically, please no one tell me you are actually typing with your dicks, although in some cases that would account for some serious spelling and grammar issues. What I do mean though, is common sense and common decency are entirely forgotten, on the off chance your message might result in some action for your penile friend!

If you expect a nice reply from someone, send a nice message. Show you’ve read their profile. This includes noting whether or not they have a partner, and whether or not they are looking for an additional partner or any partner at all.

All of the following are paraphrased version of messages I’ve received and all of them drive me nuts:

  • ‘Hi. How are you?’  If I don’t know you, this is way too vague and random for me. Plus think about how many other people might send this too! I’m not going to answer that same question ten times over every day.

  • ‘I have *insert fetish* fantasies.’ Would love to chat to you about them?’ Really, how nice for you. So I get to talk to you about your fetishes? What the hell is in that for me? Nothing that’s what. Especially when half the time they aren’t even fetishes I enjoy.
  • ‘I see you’re into *insert fetish* I can help with that. Message me.’ Er … do you know who else can help with that? My partner, funny that! And if he couldn’t I would pick a friend over a stranger for kinky play any day of the week.
  • Any message that assumes my submission. No. Just no. This just shows me that person doesn’t understand the subtleties of D/s. Or human interaction for that matter.
  • Any messages that assumes anything. Seriously you don’t know me, unless you know me. Fetlife, Instagram, it’s all just words and pictures. It’s a small percentage of who I am as a person. Making judgements on that small portion of me is just dumb. Especially when they’re shitty assumptions.
  • Dick Pic – Gross. Block.

I know this will prompt some people to ask the following questions:

  • Why use these sites if the reactions you get annoy you so much?
  • Why share sexy pictures if you don’t want people to respond in a sexy way?

First of all, not all of the responses I get annoy me. Most people can express their appreciation of my pictures or writing in a lovely, polite and friendly manner, that makes me really grateful for their message. It’s actually really fun to connect with people online, from different countries and different walks of life. I enjoy people, what I don’t enjoy is morons and douchebags.

There’s also a massive difference between approaching someone to say you think they have gorgeous pictures, or a nice body and getting in touch because you think they can fulfill your desires. Very few women, put their pictures on places like Fetlife or Instagram as an advert. We do it for many reasons, but that is very rarely one of them. For some women it’s about acceptance of our own bodies, for some it’s liberating, for some it’s just a giggle and yes maybe in some way it’s about validation. That however can be offered without being sleazy and expectant.

Then there’s the men that message and think that they’re very charming, who feel for whatever reason they actually do genuinely have a lot to offer. Usually money and experience on the scene. The trouble with these messages is that they come with an undertone of being better, than me, than anyone I know, than the whole universe. Oh I lucky I am that they’ve chose to message little old me! Imagine all the things I could learn if I just ditched my partner and my friends, not to mention my child and just ran off into their dungeon with them. No. No and did I mention NO!

I am not an idiot. I don’t lose a handful of brain cells every times I take a picture of my bum. If I did I’d be a cabbage by now because I take a lot of bum selfies! Why do I do that? Because it’s fun and because I like my bum, and I like to show it off. The list of people who can touch it, or make assumptions about it though? That is a damn small list. One person has free reign over it, and a handful of other people would be allowed friendly access to it if they asked and I consented. All of these people I have known for years. I trust them. I know them. I feel safe with them.

Strange man I have never met. I don’t know you. I don’t trust you. I don’t even know if I would like you if we met. That is why I find your lewd comments and sexual assumptions so offensive.

This is part of the reason Bakji started the podcast, and why I so eagerly joined him in his endeavour. We know that all the guys who message me (and nearly every other woman on Fetlife and similar sites) are really just looking to find a partner, someone to live out their fantasies with and that’s okay. That’s what Bakji and I do together. Get sexy and live out our dirty thoughts. We really want other people to be doing that too, just not with me. So I know this sounds really ranty and like I’m truly evil, but it comes from a good places. Guys, please stop with the messages that will get you nowhere, instead get to a munch and find real life people to converse with and who knows one day soon you might actually get some kinky action in your life.

 

Can The Real Kink Shady Please Stand Up?

When you first join you local BDSM scene it can be easy to assume that everyone will be really self-assured, have all the experience under their belt and have all the answers they need to lead a problem free kinky life. The chances are that all those assumptions will be incorrect for almost everyone on the scene, and the people who do put themselves in that category are most likely lying, at a bare minimum to themselves, but the chances are to everyone else as well.

With that in mind, I understand how easy it can be to embellish your own level of experience. If I could stop people doing one thing in their first few months on the scene it would be this. If you identify as a Top/Dominant, but have never spanked anyone, then say so. It’s okay to know you have things you’d like to learn. Pretending you know things you don’t is most importantly really dangerous, but also makes you look a bit questionable when we figure out you lied.

Most of the time the reason people aren’t entirely honest is nerves, we all want to be welcomed, accepted and liked and it can be really easy to get carried away in saying what we think are the right things. Some people are dishonest though for less honourable reasons, and those people are usually not safe people to have on the BDSM scene. So we do need to be aware of them and wary of them in some cases.

Quite often though people start to misrepresent themselves long before they get to an actual munch. Let’s move on to the joyful things people say on Fetlife. Now the ways in which people misrepresent themselves on Fetlife is vast and would probably cover more blog posts than I’m willing to commit to it. One way in particular though is what prompted me to write this post.

**From this point on I’m using Cisgendered, Hetereosexual normatives. Purely because the situations below have always involved Cisgendered Heterosexual guys when I’ve seen them. But I’m aware that everyone can be a douche regardless of gender or sexuality. I also know wonderful CisHet guys who have never done this!

So for arguments sake, let’s give some details of a profile I’ve made up in my very own brain. MrHotCock99, who states that he’s 18 and male. He’s got very little activity on Fetlife, mostly just adding females of a certain age. He will then more often than not post in one of the groups that advertise local events, or maybe personal ads for that area and here is where he will tell one (a few varieties exist) of the weirdest lies ever! Why are they weird? Because they are so obviously lies.

‘I have been in the community for a few years’ says MrHotCock99 ‘but have only just joined Fetlife.’ So you’ve been in the BDSM community since before it was even legal for you to be there? Guess what? You really haven’t. No community I have yet come across would allow this to happen.

‘I’m MrHotCock99 an Experienced Dom with 10 years experience.’ I’m sorry, what now? You’ve been a Dom since you were 8? FYI MrHotCock99 Domming your teddies doesn’t count.

When referring to a specific munch/community, ‘Been away from the scene for a bit, but back now and going to be attending the munch again’ This doesn’t work when people on the local scene have been on it consistently for many, many years and confirm they’ve never seen you at a munch. Let alone as an active participant in the local community.

As an aside, these people almost never actually turn up to a munch. Which is why their comments ring so many alarms bells. It’s as if they are trying to make themselves appear safe and knowledgeable in the hopes of catching the attention of someone new before they actually make it to a munch and find friends, or a decent, honest partner. Then there are the people seem to think saying these things will make them seem more credible for when they do come to a munch. It really doesn’t though. It just makes us think they’re really shady characters.

Here’s the best bit about many BDSM communities though, they’re small. Yes, some of the larger cities, like London, have lots of munches. But most towns, just have the one munch, and people talk, they talk a lot. Especially when it comes to keeping each other safe. Many of us form deep long lasting friendships with people we meet on the scene, and as such have things like each other’s phone numbers. When those douchey messages appear on Fetlife it usually doesn’t take long before we are alerting each other.

The strangest thing about all this, is if people were just up front it wouldn’t matter and would probably help their chances of getting what they want. If you’re looking for one night stands or casual sex, then say so, some girls on Fet are after those things. Don’t pretend you’re a longstanding part of the BDSM furniture though to try and make that happen with someone who isn’t into it. No one deserves to be hoodwinked in that way.

Just be honest. From beginning to end. It is by far the best policy, in most of life but so much more so in the BDSM community. We can only play safe, and responsibly if we know exactly who and what we are dealing with. No one deserves to go into a scene with someone thinking they have experience of something, to find out the hard way they didn’t actually have a clue.

Every single person currently active on the scene was new at one point, so we get it, we really do. We can offer better support and a more honest friendship though if we know the real you, not the blagger you. It’s also never too late to admit you were wrong, so if you’re reading this wishing you hadn’t told your entire munch you were British Caning Champion in 1982, when in fact you’ve never used a cane, speak up, learn something new and probably get a pat on the back for being honest.

Whoever you are. Whatever your kinks. Own it. Be you. It’s by far the best way to find like minded friends.

I am not limitless! And That’s Okay!

In my last post I wrote about limits, and how people can find a partner to push their limits and help them discover new realms of BDSM. Some comments I’ve seen on this very subject, though not on my actual blog post, got me thinking about this subject a little more. Though on a more personal level.

The comments that triggered me to think on this subject a little more, were comments based on someone having ‘no limits’. Now it’s not my place to delve into that matter with an individual unless I am going to be playing with them myself. In which case, if presented with a ‘no limits’ partner I’d still have a ton of questions. I’d never take that at face value, but that might just be me.

Then it got me thinking about whether or not I’d ever want to be a in a position to be able to say I was a ‘no limits’ player, which often seems to be a real source of pride. While it is absolutely fine for other people, if that is their inclination, I’m actually really proud of having limits. Now if that sounds a little odd, then bear with me. While my actual limits don’t themselves make me proud, my ability to state I have them, deviate from them if I fancy, and put them back in place if needed, actually does make me pretty proud of myself.

When I first got in BDSM, I had no real idea what I was doing or what I was after and as a result I did some things that looking back were either, unwise, unsafe or just plain unpleasant. I’m not ashamed to say I let my BDSM needs rule my head for a little while, I’d love that to not be the case, but I’d rather own up to it so anyone in the same boat knows they’re not alone. So the fact that I’m now in a position to outline my limits and expect a play partner to respect them shows how far I’ve come.

One of the things I absolute hate, is being ignored, and I will never forget someone I was briefly involved with citing my apparent lack of enthusiasm as a reason for punishment and proceeding to ignore me for the majority of the day via whatsapp when they’d normally be all over it. It was a defining moment for me in terms of not caring whether or not they wanted to continue playing with me. I am now very clear that for me that is not an acceptable way for anyone to treat me. If someone has a burning desire to have a partner they can ignore then they would certainly not be the partner for me.

Luckily for me, Bakji is a very respectful and considerate play partner, which means he has the privilege of any limits I have being up for discussion if they were something he was massively keen on exploring. Though thankfully he hasn’t got a burning desire for coffin play, because I’m not entirely sure that is one I can overcome. However one of my previous limits was masks, mostly full face ones, or hoods that covered the entire face. There was a time at a party once where I turned round and Bakji was wearing a gas mask and I honestly felt a bit queasy. So he very kindly said he wouldn’t wear that kind of thing while I was about.

However, as considerate as Bakji is, I can’t expect the entire Fetish scene not to wear hoods and masks. As I started going to more Fetish clubs I was confronted with more and more people wearing masks and hoods. Even browsing sites such as Fetlife and Instagram will confront you with images of this fairly regularly, and over time I just seemed to become desensitized to it. Now getting Bakji into some kind of hood or gas mask is really all the fun. Mostly because stripping him of his senses and his ability to breathe freely is so much fun. This goes to show that things can and do change.

I’m really pleased I allowed myself the space to change my mind. Mostly because I’ve changed my mind about so many things within BDSM, not doing so would have left me feeling a little frustrated I think. There is so much to explore within BDSM, I think the odd limit changing here and there is likely for many people. I don’t think there should be any pressure to do so though, or to tackle every limit you have in an effort to be limitless.

At the end of the day we need to be as personally responsible as we can be when engaging in BDSM, whether it is with a long term partner or a new partner, and I think being able to express comfortably and with confidence about where our limits lie is a crucial part of keeping ourselves in a position where the BDSM we take part in doesn’t have an adverse effect on our emotional or physical well-being.

Reader Q&A: How Do I Find a Partner to Push my Limits?

Every now and again via one medium or another that I regularly frequent, I will have some ask me for advice. First off I am touched that they think I seem like I have enough knowledge or experience to assist them, and second of all, I really can only offer my own personal perspective on any situation. So while I am more than happy to offer my advice to anyone who pops up in my inbox, please bear in mind that when I have my own problems I have to go elsewhere for advice, so unfortunately I don’t have all the answers, nor do I claim to.

Today’s question, which I am going to paraphrase, is: How can I find a Dom/sub who will push my limits and take me into new realms of BDSM explorations?

Let’s deal with some definitions first, for anyone reading and wondering what the heck I’m talking about. Limits equate to, what someone will not do (Hard Limit), what someone is hesitant to do (Soft Limit). If you are playing with someone who is safe and respectful these will be adhered to at all times. If you are currently playing with someone and they are ignoring your limits then please stop playing with them.

Anyway, back to the question at hand. When searching for the elusive Dom/sub for you, you might need to be very patient. When you take into account that only a small portion of the population are into BDSM. Then factor in the fact that when you get to the scene many of them may be in relationships or not actively seeking a partner for other reasons. Out of the small amount of people that are left that could possibly be a match for you, not only do you need to have interests that align but you also need to have some attraction and chemistry between the two of you.

Say all those conditions play to your advantage though, and you meet someone who you fancy the pants off and they feel the same about you, so you’ve talked a lot and you’ve discovered you have similar kinks and fetishes. If in that instance your thinking ‘Brilliant! Let the limit pushing commence’, you may be disappointed.

People have limits for a reason and those reasons are vast and varied. Some of the reasons may be similar to these:

  • They have no knowledge of that particular kink
  • They are simply not aroused by it
  • It may be a trigger for them
  • They might think it’s ‘icky’, the squick factor should not be underestimated.
  • They may have had a poor experience with it in the past

When you think about the reasons people have their limits, the idea of then pushing them past those limits becomes tricky. They have to be 100% receptive to wanting that limit pushed, and if you are a sub wanting a Dom to push your limits, they need to be willing to tread waters that could get a bit murky.

That’s not to say many of us don’t push our limits willingly, or find our limits have shifted as our relationships have developed. We definitely do, I think most people involved in BDSM for any length of time find themselves enjoying something they once thought wasn’t for them.

If however you have something you really want to explore, and just cannot wait to do so and you can’t envisage ever meeting anyone who will engage in your particular kink with you, then Pro-Dommes may well be your answer. By no means am I saying that this is the answer for everyone. However, I do think Pro-Dommes offer a really valuable service to the BDSM community. Not that this is necessarily an easy win. You still need to find someone you gel with, and who offers the type of Domination you require. It may well be a speedier path to self-discovery than waiting until you meet someone at a munch for example.

I also think it’s important to know why you want your particular limits pushed, in what way you want them pushed and if it’s even possible. Just because we’d like to do something, doesn’t mean we can. Sometimes there are physical and/or emotional barriers to exploring a particular kink that shouldn’t be ignored or pushed past. Even if that isn’t the case for you, it may be case for someone you’re playing with so it is always worth bearing in mind.

Myself and Bakji have been playing together for a little over 18 months, neither of us have handed the other a list of limits that we want pushed and felt like play wasn’t worthwhile if that wasn’t happening. What we have done though is spoken openly and honestly about what we really enjoy, what we’re not that into and what our limits are. As time has gone on and our trust in each other has built, the kinks and fetishes that are available to us enjoy have definitely expanded.

For example when we first started playing together any play involving feet wasn’t really on my radar, however since I began Topping using my feet as part of our scenes is quickly becoming one of my favourite things to do. However, that is very specific to Bakji. I’ve never really liked my feet being touched, for personal reasons I won’t bore you with. So while limits can change, like many things in BDSM they are fluid, and they can be put back in place at any given point.

It’s also worth noting that just because you’ve seen someone indulging in a manner of play with someone else, and then if they choose to play with you that specific act is cited as a limit, that is totally acceptable and not at all uncommon. It comes back to the gaining of trust. That other person might have spent weeks, maybe months working on that particular kink or scene with someone. Nobody gets to come along and demand or expect that same level of play or interaction until they too have put in the required time into that person.

I think the biggest factor in what has made me reconsider what limits I have with Bakji is the fact he has invested in me as a person. So I know that even if one of my hard limits was one of his favourite things, while he might be disappointed it would absolutely be okay, and we would focus on all the other things we both enjoy.

So in summary, my top tips for finding someone to push your limits are:

  • Be patient
  • Build trust
  • Be honest & open (with yourself & your partner)
  • Invest in you partner (remember they are a person, not a Fetish Delivery Service)
  • Give as much as you take
  • Start small. Some things are easier to tackle than others.

 

Licentious Labels & Being a Kinky Nomad!

Before I start I want to be really clear that this piece is very much a personal reflection, it really is all about me and not for one minute how I expect anyone else to approach the subject. I do however love hearing about other people kink evolution, so please do share any thoughts you have on the subject matter.  

In my previous post ‘Debauched Dynamics & Letting Go of Labels’, I spoke briefly on how I sometimes have trouble adopting and using labels to identify my sexual or kink orientation. I then shared some thoughts on my Switch identity in ‘Let’s Talk About – Communication’.

One of the reasons I feel less inclined to adopt one particular label in terms of kink, is the feeling that one label doesn’t quite say it all. Yet some of the broader labels, don’t feel quite focused enough. So basically labels can’t win with me.

While I am a big fan of the idea that we shouldn’t need labels to traverse either non-kink or kink life, I appreciate that for many people they play an important part in their identity, and in identifying potential play partners when it comes to kink labels. So I am by no means belittling their use, I’ve just always struggled to own and feel comfortable with my own labels.

However, as I discover more about my kinky self, it becomes easier to see how well some label fit me and why I possibly never quite felt comfortable with others. I think my subconscious was always working against me when I was trying to fall in line with a state of being that wasn’t quite true to my full nature.

Anyway it’s time to massively contradict myself and have everyone wondering if in fact I actually love labels and my main issue is just that I can’t wear all my hats at once so to speak. Time to discuss what roles I do identify with and a little bit about why.

Switch

This is relatively new for me, I’ve always known there was a small part of me that would enjoy Topping, but I always thought it was such a tiny part of me that it was almost insignificant. I also saw it as more of a Service Top element, so I could do it if I was asked to, but the pleasure would be in offering that service not the Topping itself. As you might have read though, in my post ‘The Joy of Topping’, that is absolutely not the case. I both sides of the D/s slash with equal fervour. Currently I’m on a run of Topping and I think Bakji might have to wrestle me to take the Toppy reigns back. Partly because there’s just no fun  in giving in easily. I now wonder if part of the reason I discard my submissive role so easily was because I knew at some point it wouldn’t be a good fit.

Kinkster

I think this is a pretty accurate summary of my general kink personality, I love D/s but I’m not hardcore in protocol, I love Latex in a fetishy way but I’m probably not yet at the level of some fetishists, I’m into pain play but it’s not my primary love. So I think my wide ranging interests make Kinkster a really good fit, why I don’t use it is anybody’s guess. Just sheer bloody mindedness I think.

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Latex dress and Leggings by Westward Bound

Fetishist

When I first tried Latex, it was just to have a go and see what it was like and even though the first piece I tried was only a mid-range piece, I instantly loved it. I knew then I would definitely want to get more, what I did not know was how far this new found passion would go. It is only with Latex that I began to understand what it meant to have a Fetish for something. More about that in an upcoming post though.

Rope Top

When I went to my first every rope munch I tried my hand at tying a TK, and I just couldn’t take to it. Handling the rope, learning the ties, all felt so strange to me and I just could not see me ever enjoying it. When my Toppy side started to refuse to shush until I let her out to play though, rope as a Top became of interest. This time round while the learning was still a challenge it did at least make sense. I now have enough rope skill to hand that I can use it effectively when Topping. Which still feels like such a massive accomplishment.

Rope bunny

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My favourite photo from being a rope bunny

Oh the joy of being a rope bunny. It is a truly wonderful experience, that I am exceptionally inept at describing. It was the first thing I did in a kink sense that gave me a feeling of belonging. It also gave me moments of peace and haven to rest in when my mind and heart were cluttered with too many thoughts and feelings to sort through. I am on a bit of a bunny hiatus at the moment, but I know for sure I will be back in the ropes one day.

 

Sadomasochist

For me this is definitely one that is ‘under construction’. I definitely enjoy both causing and receiving pain in play. Where I land on the scale of both sadism and masochism feels like it is in a vastly evolving state at the moment. I haven’t been doing much in the way of masochistic play of late, which seems to be pushing that side of me in a more extreme direction, at least in my mind’s eye anyway. As for the sadistic side of me, I’ve spent a long time suppressing that desire refusing to indulge or enjoy it. Slowly but surely though, she is coming out to play. Albeit on a tight leash at the moment, I’m sure in time though I will grant myself more freedom to play in that particular way. Especially as Bakji seems to be a fan of mean streak!

So that’s me in a kinky nutshell, all those parts ebbing and flowing within me at all times. Some rising to the top one day and falling to almost a whisper at some points, yet they always remain, which is what makes pushing one forward as my primary role feel so tricky for me.

Thankfully I am growing accustomed to being something of a Kink and Fetish nomad, and that pressure I felt in my early days of being on the scene to define myself is gone. I enjoy being all facets of my kinky being, and I’m having all the fun in the world using all of those part of me in play.

Let’s Talk About – Communication!

I spend a lot of my time on the internet in forums where people are asking questions about their sex life. How to improve it, how to spice it up, concerns about sexual health or sexual performance. One of the most common responses to almost any question asked ever, is, ‘Communicate/Just talk/Just ask’ and many other variations on that theme. While I absolutely agree that communication is key, and that we should all be having open and frank conversations with our partners about what we enjoy sexually, I wonder if some people realise just how hard that can sometimes be.

Since I became involved in the BDSM lifestyle my ability to communicate effectively has become better and better. However in my non-kink relationships, I found it excruciating to discuss sex. I found saying ‘the words’ difficult, I found the pressure to have and talk about fantasies made me feel incredibly anxious and more inclined to withdraw from sexual activity rather than engage in it. Which reminds me of another forum conversations that is quite common;

Q: I want my partner to talk about their fantasies but they say they have none, what do I do. A: Just keep communicating, everyone has some kind of fantasy.

It drives me nuts when I see a word like ‘everyone’ in these kinds of contexts. In the world of sex, be it kinky or not, I do not think there is a one rule fits all for any aspect of it. Yet even enlightened and open-minded people seem to fall into this trap more often than seems helpful. When I was in a non-kink relationship, and had not yet discovered I was interested in kinky things, I really had no fantasies to voice. I just wanted my partner of the time to take charge and make the sexy things happen. I realise now this was probably a fantasy in and of itself, but at the time it was seen as laziness and selfishness, where it more like my sexual submissiveness showing it’s face.

Even now that I am well aware that I am kinky, as a submissive I really struggle to come up with ideas for scenes I’d like to do. As a Top it becomes a lot easier. Luckily for me though Bakji is amazing at knowing what he enjoys as a sub, he is a one man sexy idea machine and it’s brilliant because it gives me so much information to allow me to plan fun and sexy scenes with. However, even though we are constantly wittering on about something, usually the 90’s, the podcast, or new things to look up on wikipedia, neither of us are huge fans of sitting down and verbalising more delicate things. So we found out own way of communicating very efficiently what kind of things we’d like to add into our kinky repertoire.

We use an app called Trello. Which is a project management app. It allows the user to create various boards, and within those boards create lists, with various cards upon each list. Cards and/or lists can be moved around, edited and archived at any time and boards can be shared with other users. We have a ‘Kinky, Sexy Fun’ board where we share all our ideas about kinky thing we’d like to do together.

Not only has it allowed us to communicate in an effective way, but it’s also opened up the door for us to talk about things that we may be a little more shy about. Even with a kinky partner it can sometimes be a bit daunting to bring up a more unusual kink, or one that you are not entirely sure the other person will be into. It is a whole lot easier to do that sometimes without the other person looking at you. Maybe in an ideal world no one would worry and we could all just be incredibly open no matter what. But in light of that not being the case, why not embrace ways that help you communicate in a way that suits you.

It often seems that anything other than verbal communication is viewed as slightly less valid, and not entirely ‘proper’ for a grown up. While I completely agree that some conversations absolutely need to be done face to face, I think there are lots of times where there is no need to put yourself through that if you will find it tricky, when another option is available. Especially as once you start communicating in any way, it tends to make all manner of communication a lot easier.

I have found that since Bakji and I started our Trello board, we have tried lots more kinky things together. Which has grown the intimacy we share, and brought us closer together. Because of that I feel more confident in communicating other things too.

I have somes issues surrounding the more emotional side of my being, and it is definitely taking time to feel comfortable communicate those things. I am noticing though that this is something I am improving on. Things that might be troubling me tend to be dealt with the day it occurs, or at least within a day or two. Previously I was spending weeks and weeks worrying about something before mentioning it, because I had no idea how to even begin communicating what I needed to.

Even some of the feelings that most people perceive to be good can be a struggle for me to open up about. The closeness that has come from exploring and evolving alongside Bakji does however make it a little less daunting to admit I am in fact a big old softy.

The point I am trying to make, in a somewhat roundabout way, is don’t force verbal communication if someone finds it causes them to shut off rather than open up. Be open to finding a way that will aid conversations but won’t leave one partner feeling anxious or under pressure. Yes it might take time, and may not be an immediate fix, but who knows what results it could yield if given a good chance.

Also if someone does communicate something, don’t dismiss it because it’s not what ‘everyone’ else would say or because it’s not what you want to hear. We are all unique, in both what we think and feel, and in how we communicate those thoughts and feelings. Some of us perhaps more unique than others, and what seems like an easy conversation for others can be tough for some people.

So if you’re reading this and there’s a topic you’re struggling to approach with your partner, or something you’d like to encourage them to talk about, take a minute to consider new approaches to communication. Maybe it won’t work, but who knows, maybe it will.