This past weekend we had two extra sets of hands to aid with our sexy fun and no matter how far along the non-monogamy journey I go, these kinds of experiences are always something I find myself reflecting on in much greater detail than I do our one-on-one experiences.
After our wonderful friends had left after their weekend with us, myself and Bakji recorded an episode of ProudToBeKinky all about what we got up to with them. Later on in the evening, someone asked Bakji on our Discord chat (for podcast listeners to chat about the show and ask questions) what the difference was for him between non-monogamy and Polyamory. I explore the answer to that question in ‘Beneath the Umbrella of Non-Monogamy’.
One of the things I always circle back round to when reflecting on non-mono experiences and when answering questions about it is friendship. When people who aren’t in the know about non-monogamous lifestyles imagine what our number one motivation is for being non-monogamous I suspect sex, and lots of it is the main reason they suspect for our deviation from monogamy.
I’m not big on the ‘L’ word, when I saw it was the prompt for the week I was doing the round-up for Wicked Wednesday I really did think that was vaguely comical. In the three years I have been intimately involved with Bakji I have probably said it no more than dozen times, maybe even less than 10. Or it could be more but I might have been drunk for many of them.
In addition to the above, which must seem like a terrible admission, It took me about 2 years to say ‘I love you’, I felt it after about 3 months, at 4 months I realised I wasn’t going to undo the horror of ‘falling in love’ and promised myself that if I felt the same after 6 months I’d say it. Then for many a fucked up reason I decided to never say it, would be a wiser decision.
What happened in the absence of I love you was actually quite sweet, we found different ways to express our affection, both of us I think not daring or wanting to declare too much. I think we each had our own reasons for that, but I think in part for both of us it was not wanting to ‘jinx it’.
Even now it is something we say very infrequently, but when it is said it is rather lovely, I have to admit that. Discussing why I felt the way I do, or feel the way I do about ‘I love you’ is well known to me, but would be thoroughly depressing to write about. A lot of it is irrational and I need to let so much of it go, and I’m working on that, sort of, but I think this is one case where writing out just won’t help.
Instead I want to focus on something positive. Well ten positives actually. In a somewhat uncharacteristic display of unabashed affection I would like to share with you 10 things I love about Bakji, all of which show that he is to blame for me catching feelings in the first place.
He is super funny!
Anyone who listens to the podcast will have heard my eye-rolls when Bakji interrupts me with yet another joke. Don’t be fooled though, those eye-rolls are nearly always accompanied by a grin and he has made me laugh every single day for the last three years. He is so silly sometimes and he think up daft games for us to play to keep me entertained. My own nature is far more serious and I need that laughter in my life. That he not only can make me laugh, but is so happy to do so, is truly one of my favourite things about him
He helps me try new things!
The amount of new things I’ve tried and discovered I love since meeting Bakji is a really long list. From podcasts to food, and of course new kinks. I have discovered more about myself in three years than I did in the previous 30! He does this by sharing his likes with me, and not being a bumhead when I decide to copy. He suggests new things to me and is happy when I seem curious and decide maybe I’d like that thing too.
He’s kind and generous
In the early days of our sexy friendship I was very careful not to overshare. No mentioning my worries, no boring him with the drudgery of my life as a parent, keeping the conversation light and as carefree as possible was my main aim. I was determined to never seem ill, or out of sorts and vowed that if I ever was those things then Bakji wouldn’t be dealing with them. As time has gone on hiding all those things from someone has been impossible, and when I have shared these things with Bakji he has always been the sweetest and most loving person I could ask for, and when and where he can he is always generous in terms of helping me make things better. I still dig my heels in sometimes when it comes to being looked after, but it’s actually a wonderful thing to know that he there for me when I need him.
He loves going on adventures with me
When I first joined the kink community one of the things I was searching for was adventure. By adventure I don’t necessarily mean distant travels to far away lands, although I’m not saying no to that if someone is offering. Adventures to me can be all kinds of things, for Bakji and I our adventures together began with travelling to kink events. Living outside of London meant lots of car journeys. We would drive to London, park near the event venue, have our fun, then drive home again at any time between 1am and 4am! Usually falling into bed between 6am and 7am. It never failed to shock people, but it was fun and we were doing it all together which made it even better. We’ve also had adventures in learning rope, adventures into new realms of kinky fun and adventures in non-monogamy. It was also only this year that we actually did go on an international adventure and that was an amazing adventure for sure. I know we have many more adventures to come and I can’t wait for them all.
He gives the best cuddles and snuggles
Physical affection is something that does not come naturally to me. No big bad reason for that. It’s just the way I am, with everyone. When I met Bakji and we started doing kinky things together the aftercare bit was not what I was expecting. Content to be left alone he would initiate a hug, and I think it may have been the first time we did this I actually said ‘we don’t have to hug’, his reply to which was he would like to, if that’s okay. It was different, but it wasn’t an issue so we began to hug more and somewhere along the line I began to love those cuddles. They are so good. I’m still not the best at initiating them. I do it far more than I ever imagined I would though and I love snuggling with Bakji, especially when we have sleepovers and we are all cosy in bed together. It is one of the best feelings in the world.
He’s gorgeous and sexy
Is it cheating to include this one I wonder? Maybe, but I feel like it would be less authentic if I didn’t include it because I’d be lying if I said Bakji’s gorgeous face wasn’t one of the first things that I noticed about him. He is so pretty. Three years down the line and he is even more gorgeous now than he was when I first met him and that is quite an achievement. His body was so enticing that it made me decide that I need to learn rope and take up Topping. I know some people find focusing on physical attraction shallow, but that physical attraction and chemistry we have together is all part of what made the deeper feelings develop. Without that initial ‘phwoar, I want some of that sexy’ we may not be where we are at all.
He listens and hears
One of the things I have often found frustrating is when I try to talk something through with someone and they offer me a solution based not on what I said, or meant, but based on what they decided I’d said. Listening is one thing, but actually hearing someone is a whole other skill set. I am forever grateful that Bakji doesn’t just listen to me, but he hears me too. He doesn’t leap to solutions either,thought he does offer his assistance if he feels it’s appropriate. Often though I don’t need him to fix anything for me, I say often because sometimes I really do need that, most of all though what I’m usually looking for is just a sounding board or a listening ear and someone to tell me it will be okay. The fact that Bakji actually gets this means a lot.
He’s unapologetic about being himself
We do not have the most conventional of relationships and we have no desire to follow the more regular steps of the relationship escalator as it were. We both have our own reasons for this, some overlap, some don’t. What I have always respected about Bakji is that he has no desire to pander to society and apologise for not wanting some of the things that may be expected from him. In the beginning this meant that I didn’t quite appreciate that our relationship could and eventually develop in something a little more meaningful than I had initially imagined. It was I think a reason I didn’t really keep my guard up, because I didn’t think there was anything to guard against. Not wanting to live together or use more familiar (to society) terminology for our dynamic doesn’t make it any less special though. I think Bakji always new these things, and a multitude of other things, and it took me some time to figure them out. I’m glad I did though because I adore the slightly random way in which we have combined sexy forces and feel blessed to have done so without either of us having to have compromised on things that are deal breakers for us. (Just to add we do compromise overall, we are no immovable and unfeeling objects.)
He challenges me to be better
Not as in ‘I challenge thee to duel, be better now or I shall poke thee with my fighting stick’, although now I’ve written that I’m having thoughts about his ‘fighting stick’ (yes I do mean willy) and I think improvements could be made faster if he threatened me with it more. In all seriousness though, there are some people who drag you down in life, and some who lift you up. Quite often it’s not even about whether or not they try to do those things, it’s just human nature. Bakji is thankfully one of those people who lifts you up. He is organised, driven and always on the lookout to improve himself or learn new things. He does those things for him, but witnessing them makes me want to do them for myself too. I think I’m yet to make the leap from better self to best self, but these things don’t happen overnight and luckily I have a Bakji to keep me company along the way.
I sometimes get messages on Instagram asking if I’m ‘single’ which isn’t actually true or false, non-monogamy and/or polyamory rather changes the way you need to ask and answer that question. I am however not ‘available’ to them, so I always say no, and because I don’t care to give them my life story I simply say I ‘have a partner’. To which they always nearly always reply, ‘oh, I bet he wouldn’t like knowing you show the world your arse/sell men nudes/are a massive cok tease’ etc. Not only does he know, but he wholeheartedly support me doing things that a) entertain me and b) earn me some extra monies. He is supportive of me in so many ways and he is supportive of me for the best reason ever, he simply wants good things for me. He also trusts me not to do anything stupid, like sell a kidney for a fiver or meet a random stranger offering me 50p for a blowjob.
There we have it, 10 delightful things that I love about Bakji, or things about Bakji that make me love him, I’m not really sure which way round it works. Either way though, he is the most awesome sexy-friend a girl could ask for.
Written for this weeks Wicked Wednesday prompt, please do check out the other blog post that are added to the link up, my fellow bloggers never disappoint and you will definitely find some sexy and interesting reads there.
If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi
I love women. Well I love all genders, but this post is specifically about women. But I promise I’m not leaving the rest of you out. You will get your post another day.
Growing up I really struggled to make friends with or maintain friendships with other girls. There was always an underlying feeling of competition and bitchiness that I found very hard and had no desire to participate in. When I joined the kink scene it was with the same level of hesitancy about forming female friendships.
When it comes to kink, the friendships I have formed have been far more intimate and rewarding than any non-kink friendship I have ever had. I have friends I play with, from chaste kisses to full sex, both may or may not be accompanied by all manner of kinky joys. While to the non-kink world these encounters would move things from friendship into something else, for me this is what friendship sometimes looks like within the kink community.
Ethical non-monogamy is something I knew very little about before joining the kink community. It’s then something I got involved in almost as a side effect of being kinky. In truth I never thought I’d truly identify as non-monogamous and I never imagined I’d be truly happy to see someone I was romantically involved with find sexual pleasure with someone else.
As time has gone on I have started to see the value in non-monogamy, not only as something others do but as something I want for myself. I have come to realise that sexual and BDSM non-monogamy is something I really enjoy, but romantically I’m still fairly monogamous.
Frenzy, drop and FOMO are to my mind a trio of spoil sports who given half the chance will definitely ruin our kinky fun. Knowing that they are always lurking around the corner ready to attack is half the battle, accepting they will happen and learning how to deal with them, gives you much more control over the effects they will have on you.
Frenzy, more often than not referred to as subfrenzy, a term I am going to avoid. While it is my experience that those exploring their submissive tendencies do suffer frenzy more intensely, Tops and Dominants are not immune to it and I think it remiss of anyone to think their kink label will stop them from having the down sides of engaging in BDSM activities.
I’ve been following and re-tweeting #SoSS (Share our Shit Saturday) for a little while now, but this is the first time I’ve joined in with my own post. If you would like to know more about the movement amongst bloggers then please read the awesome post by ErosBlog for the lowdown.
As much as I love supporting and championing other bloggers, especially those that write about kink, sex and other things much of the world still deems inappropriate for grown adults to discuss online, I am often terrible as getting round to reading as many posts as I’d like to. However with my recent decision to get involved in the Smut Marathon, I’ve found myself carving out more time to visit other writers and I want to share some of the posts I’ve read this week.
Back in September I wrote ‘The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome’, and yes I’m aware I use the word awesome far too much, but I like it, loads, so you’re stuck with it. In that writing I covered some of my thoughts on compersion, and how I’d finally experienced it in some way, which I thought I never would. I debated whether or not writing about it again was worthwhile, for fear I might repeat myself and not add anything new to the mix, then I thought about it more and realised there is always more to unpack when it comes to non-monogamy.
“Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”
One of the events that gets mentioned most within the kink community is Torture Garden. When we started going to lots of London events I lost track of how many people asked us if we’d been, and were then surprised when we said no. There were two reasons I took my time in going, 1. I felt like I’d enjoy it more in a group and 2. I was really uncertain about the strict dress code.
This Halloween though we decided to take the plunge and off we went to our very first TG. Prior to going myself I’d heard various things about it, some good and some bad. All of which made me wonder exactly what I’d be walking into. The reality was that I loved it. In fact we love it so much we are going back in December. While I appreciate it won’t be for everybody, no event suits everyone’s taste, and TG is no different, for some of you it will be amazing.
First of all, I was 100% right about going with a group. Myself and Bakji have attended many events just the two of us, and that’s actually how we made some of the friends we went with to TG. At certain event you can mingle and socialise a little, at TG I do not see that happening unless you already know a few people. It is busy, it is loud and people are in hedonism mode, having fun and revelling in a good time, I don’t think sitting down for a chat with a potential new friend is on anyone’s agenda. I think if you went solo, you would feel really lost and probably never go to an event. If you are a couple that can entertain each other well, you will probably enjoy yourselves, ideally though I’d say gather a little group together and really go for it.
So we found our group (and what a lovely bunch of humans they are too), bought our tickets, had a place to stay for the night (God bless friends who have a spare room), all that was left was to find an outfit! AN OUTFIT! For Torture Garden! How could I ever compete with the wonderful flamboyant creations you have to have to set foot inside this most awesome of events? Well I got in, so apparently I cracked it. My advice for anyone looking to go to TG who is worried about an outfit would be as follows:
Make an effort – if you are able to go all out and can invest both the time and money in a gorgeous creation, then go for it. Those outfits are a delight to view. If you can’t though you can still make a great outfit with key Fetish inspired pieces, working to the theme might help too.
Make-up is your friend – Even if you’re a fella. Maybe especially if you’re a fella. Dramatic, all out make-up costs less than, dramatic all out Latex, but the effect can be incredible.
Be hair raising (or raise your hair) – Dramatic hair is another thing that makes a huge impact on your look. I crimped my hair, and it went big and wild and it really suited the theme of the night.
Latex – it frustrates some people that Latex is an automatic in to places like this (unless it’s stripy trousers, stripes are evil it seems), but if you’re new and uncertain Latex is a winner. Maybe combining it with awesome make-up, hair and accessories is a good way to make the extra effort.
Plan ahead – give yourself time to order from online stores, do our research into a good outfit, and give it some trial runs so you know you’re happy with it.
Pinterest – such a good place to get ideas for any outfit theme
Use the TG email – Decide on what you’re wearing and you can actually email TG and ask them if it will be suitable, they have people ready and willing to give you advice so that you don’t get turned away.
For anyone wondering what I actually wore, I was too excited to remember to take a photo, so I will have to explain it. Bottom half was fishnet tights, with high waist Latex knickers over the top of them. Then on my top half I wore a long sleeved fishnet top, and my new Xenia bra from Twisted Lingerie. It wasn’t crazy elaborate but it felt sexy and I really enjoyed wearing it.
As I mentioned previously TG is loud and it’s busy, which leads me to a couple of other tips. Decide on a meeting place and know you can land their should you get estranged from your group, then if you’ve lost someone check in on the meeting place and make sure no one has been stood their for two hours waiting to be rescued. Once you’ve been a few times I’m sure it gets easier to navigate, but as a TG newbie it feels like a total maze, though I think we only have a few more event at this particular venue, so this might not be a valid point for alternate venues.
One unfortunate thing that happens when somewhere is very busy, is that it gets very hot, and when I say very, I mean VERY. Think gates of hell type heat, it was frickin’ warm people. If you are like me and are a bit susceptible to overheating, please take regular fresh air breaks and drink plenty of fluids, and not just the alcoholic kind, the water kind too. I forgot about both these things and did have a little attack of melting, thankfully we’d had an awesome time up until this point because it did mean we had to head home to bed, and it wasn’t a sexy heading to bed. It was the ‘Floss falling onto the bed dying and Bakji taking her shoes off’ kind of going to bed.
As I say though, up until that point we’d had an awesome time. I’ve often heard people say that while this is a kink event, and there are dungeon areas available, that sometimes the best way to have fun is just to focus on the kink less and enjoy the party. I think on the whole I would agree with this. That’s pretty much the approach we took and we have a great time. The beauty of an event like this though is that your behaviour can be overall more kinky wherever you are and it is in keeping with the vibe of the night. For example, forcing your partner to lick your nipples while sat on a bench in a normal club would be frowned upon, however at TG I don’t think anyone even noticed us doing this!
That’s not to say there isn’t room for kink, there was definitely plenty of that happening, and my bottom may have got involved in an awesome spanking, once again having kinky friends is awesome! I also discovered that simultaneously bottoming and Topping is actually a lot of fun! Thank you to the kind and sexy people who helped me discover this. On top of that we also danced a lot, I may have got a bit merry thanks to my old friend Southern Comfort and we generally just enjoyed the sexy fun and made the most of our first experience of TG. I could tell we had fun because when we woke up the next day there was glitter everywhere, neither of us wore glitter out, so coming home covered in it always indicates a lot of fun was had.
That pretty much covers our experience, as I say we loved TG and we will definitely be going back, December tickets have already been bought. If you’re still not sure if it’s for you, but you are curious please feel free to get in touch, you can use my contact form on this site or you can email me via firstname.lastname@example.org
N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from theLoving BDSM30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
I haven’t had a D/s relationship end as such since joining the kink scene. I have ended my interactions with people, and adjusted the parameters of play with people, and some kinky friendships and moved into more platonic realms. Those things either felt like an evolution of a friendship though, or the interaction I was ending didn’t feel like a ‘relationship’ to me.
I have however witnessed the end of many D/s relationships and that has given me some insight into how hard the end of a D/s dynamic can be. Especially for those people who are heavily involved in the kink community, it isn’t always that easy to create distance and time out from the person you are no longer involved with. Which can be exceptionally hard.
While I hope with all my heart that Bakji and I have many happy times ahead of us, I also acknowledge the fact that we may not always be together. I’ve done my fair share of believing in ‘forever’ when I was married and it still ended, despite the fact it would have been wonderful if it could have continued and for both of us to have been content. Relationships do end though, for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes we need to remove the people from our lives, but sometimes we want to keep them as a part of lives in some way too.
My marriage was not a D/s dynamic, but I desperately wanted to remain friends with my ex-husband. Partly because it makes child rearing together much easier, but also because I love him dearly and he was my best friend for 10 years, just removing him from my life would have been heartbreaking. I feel very blessed that he felt the same, despite being devastated by my decision to end the relationship.
I feel much the same about Bakji. I cannot imagine not being friends with him. I can imagine scenarios in which our lives might cause us to head in different directions, I can understand that one day we might want different things from life or from our relationships, either together or with others. In all those scenarios though, I always imagine us finding a way to be friends, even if it takes time, while we readjust to new situations and difference of feelings.
I know this sounds a bit idealistic, and lots of people will probably be reading this going ‘yeah that’s not going to happen’ or ‘it’s not always that easy’. The thing is though, is that I believe in our friendship. I believe it is strong enough to withstand the loss of romantic and sexual connection.
I also prepare for these eventualities in my mind. Not in a depressing, ‘it’s doomed to fail’ kind of way, partly because I don’t see the end of relationships as a failure. Especially not good ones that just happen to run their course. It’s more that I know things might change, and I want to know how prepared I am to adapt to and accept those changes
Don’t get me wrong, some actions or attitudes would make this impossible. There are limits to my optimism. However, I also believe in Bakji and I can’t see him ever committing the actions that are on the list of unacceptable behaviours, and he’d have to have a full personality swap for his attitude to make me want to stop being friends with him.
Part of this approach to things, is keeping communication open. Obviously I want our relationship to continue, so I’m mindful to make sure we are each getting what we need from it. I’d much rather know early on if there is something that can change, rather than never know and it cause everything to implode. I’ve made the mistake of not addressing the little things before and it did not end well.
I know this isn’t about relationships actually ending as such, and even less about D/s relationships ending. I wrote it anyway though because you never know when your thoughts may resonate with someone, no matter how much they have digressed from the initial prompt.
If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi