I had multiple ideas for the before and after prompt. Some fictional. Some fact, some sexy, some not. Most of the ones based on personal experiences are long since past, while the after maybe still remain in my life in terms of being part of my life experience it isn’t ongoing as such. Then I was lost down a rabbit hole of music on YouTube and Spotify and I came across a song that got me thinking about before and after where the after is still very much my present and I decided that should be my post for this week.
It’s factual. It’s honest. It’s emotional. It’s lovey-dovey and it’s a lot of things I never really take the time to say, to myself or anyone else.
I’m not big on the ‘L’ word, when I saw it was the prompt for the week I was doing the round-up for Wicked Wednesday I really did think that was vaguely comical. In the three years I have been intimately involved with Bakji I have probably said it no more than dozen times, maybe even less than 10. Or it could be more but I might have been drunk for many of them.
In addition to the above, which must seem like a terrible admission, It took me about 2 years to say ‘I love you’, I felt it after about 3 months, at 4 months I realised I wasn’t going to undo the horror of ‘falling in love’ and promised myself that if I felt the same after 6 months I’d say it. Then for many a fucked up reason I decided to never say it, would be a wiser decision.
What happened in the absence of I love you was actually quite sweet, we found different ways to express our affection, both of us I think not daring or wanting to declare too much. I think we each had our own reasons for that, but I think in part for both of us it was not wanting to ‘jinx it’.
Even now it is something we say very infrequently, but when it is said it is rather lovely, I have to admit that. Discussing why I felt the way I do, or feel the way I do about ‘I love you’ is well known to me, but would be thoroughly depressing to write about. A lot of it is irrational and I need to let so much of it go, and I’m working on that, sort of, but I think this is one case where writing out just won’t help.
Instead I want to focus on something positive. Well ten positives actually. In a somewhat uncharacteristic display of unabashed affection I would like to share with you 10 things I love about Bakji, all of which show that he is to blame for me catching feelings in the first place.
He is super funny!
Anyone who listens to the podcast will have heard my eye-rolls when Bakji interrupts me with yet another joke. Don’t be fooled though, those eye-rolls are nearly always accompanied by a grin and he has made me laugh every single day for the last three years. He is so silly sometimes and he think up daft games for us to play to keep me entertained. My own nature is far more serious and I need that laughter in my life. That he not only can make me laugh, but is so happy to do so, is truly one of my favourite things about him
He helps me try new things!
The amount of new things I’ve tried and discovered I love since meeting Bakji is a really long list. From podcasts to food, and of course new kinks. I have discovered more about myself in three years than I did in the previous 30! He does this by sharing his likes with me, and not being a bumhead when I decide to copy. He suggests new things to me and is happy when I seem curious and decide maybe I’d like that thing too.
He’s kind and generous
In the early days of our sexy friendship I was very careful not to overshare. No mentioning my worries, no boring him with the drudgery of my life as a parent, keeping the conversation light and as carefree as possible was my main aim. I was determined to never seem ill, or out of sorts and vowed that if I ever was those things then Bakji wouldn’t be dealing with them. As time has gone on hiding all those things from someone has been impossible, and when I have shared these things with Bakji he has always been the sweetest and most loving person I could ask for, and when and where he can he is always generous in terms of helping me make things better. I still dig my heels in sometimes when it comes to being looked after, but it’s actually a wonderful thing to know that he there for me when I need him.
He loves going on adventures with me
When I first joined the kink community one of the things I was searching for was adventure. By adventure I don’t necessarily mean distant travels to far away lands, although I’m not saying no to that if someone is offering. Adventures to me can be all kinds of things, for Bakji and I our adventures together began with travelling to kink events. Living outside of London meant lots of car journeys. We would drive to London, park near the event venue, have our fun, then drive home again at any time between 1am and 4am! Usually falling into bed between 6am and 7am. It never failed to shock people, but it was fun and we were doing it all together which made it even better. We’ve also had adventures in learning rope, adventures into new realms of kinky fun and adventures in non-monogamy. It was also only this year that we actually did go on an international adventure and that was an amazing adventure for sure. I know we have many more adventures to come and I can’t wait for them all.
He gives the best cuddles and snuggles
Physical affection is something that does not come naturally to me. No big bad reason for that. It’s just the way I am, with everyone. When I met Bakji and we started doing kinky things together the aftercare bit was not what I was expecting. Content to be left alone he would initiate a hug, and I think it may have been the first time we did this I actually said ‘we don’t have to hug’, his reply to which was he would like to, if that’s okay. It was different, but it wasn’t an issue so we began to hug more and somewhere along the line I began to love those cuddles. They are so good. I’m still not the best at initiating them. I do it far more than I ever imagined I would though and I love snuggling with Bakji, especially when we have sleepovers and we are all cosy in bed together. It is one of the best feelings in the world.
He’s gorgeous and sexy
Is it cheating to include this one I wonder? Maybe, but I feel like it would be less authentic if I didn’t include it because I’d be lying if I said Bakji’s gorgeous face wasn’t one of the first things that I noticed about him. He is so pretty. Three years down the line and he is even more gorgeous now than he was when I first met him and that is quite an achievement. His body was so enticing that it made me decide that I need to learn rope and take up Topping. I know some people find focusing on physical attraction shallow, but that physical attraction and chemistry we have together is all part of what made the deeper feelings develop. Without that initial ‘phwoar, I want some of that sexy’ we may not be where we are at all.
He listens and hears
One of the things I have often found frustrating is when I try to talk something through with someone and they offer me a solution based not on what I said, or meant, but based on what they decided I’d said. Listening is one thing, but actually hearing someone is a whole other skill set. I am forever grateful that Bakji doesn’t just listen to me, but he hears me too. He doesn’t leap to solutions either,thought he does offer his assistance if he feels it’s appropriate. Often though I don’t need him to fix anything for me, I say often because sometimes I really do need that, most of all though what I’m usually looking for is just a sounding board or a listening ear and someone to tell me it will be okay. The fact that Bakji actually gets this means a lot.
He’s unapologetic about being himself
We do not have the most conventional of relationships and we have no desire to follow the more regular steps of the relationship escalator as it were. We both have our own reasons for this, some overlap, some don’t. What I have always respected about Bakji is that he has no desire to pander to society and apologise for not wanting some of the things that may be expected from him. In the beginning this meant that I didn’t quite appreciate that our relationship could and eventually develop in something a little more meaningful than I had initially imagined. It was I think a reason I didn’t really keep my guard up, because I didn’t think there was anything to guard against. Not wanting to live together or use more familiar (to society) terminology for our dynamic doesn’t make it any less special though. I think Bakji always new these things, and a multitude of other things, and it took me some time to figure them out. I’m glad I did though because I adore the slightly random way in which we have combined sexy forces and feel blessed to have done so without either of us having to have compromised on things that are deal breakers for us. (Just to add we do compromise overall, we are no immovable and unfeeling objects.)
He challenges me to be better
Not as in ‘I challenge thee to duel, be better now or I shall poke thee with my fighting stick’, although now I’ve written that I’m having thoughts about his ‘fighting stick’ (yes I do mean willy) and I think improvements could be made faster if he threatened me with it more. In all seriousness though, there are some people who drag you down in life, and some who lift you up. Quite often it’s not even about whether or not they try to do those things, it’s just human nature. Bakji is thankfully one of those people who lifts you up. He is organised, driven and always on the lookout to improve himself or learn new things. He does those things for him, but witnessing them makes me want to do them for myself too. I think I’m yet to make the leap from better self to best self, but these things don’t happen overnight and luckily I have a Bakji to keep me company along the way.
I sometimes get messages on Instagram asking if I’m ‘single’ which isn’t actually true or false, non-monogamy and/or polyamory rather changes the way you need to ask and answer that question. I am however not ‘available’ to them, so I always say no, and because I don’t care to give them my life story I simply say I ‘have a partner’. To which they always nearly always reply, ‘oh, I bet he wouldn’t like knowing you show the world your arse/sell men nudes/are a massive cok tease’ etc. Not only does he know, but he wholeheartedly support me doing things that a) entertain me and b) earn me some extra monies. He is supportive of me in so many ways and he is supportive of me for the best reason ever, he simply wants good things for me. He also trusts me not to do anything stupid, like sell a kidney for a fiver or meet a random stranger offering me 50p for a blowjob.
There we have it, 10 delightful things that I love about Bakji, or things about Bakji that make me love him, I’m not really sure which way round it works. Either way though, he is the most awesome sexy-friend a girl could ask for.
Written for this weeks Wicked Wednesday prompt, please do check out the other blog post that are added to the link up, my fellow bloggers never disappoint and you will definitely find some sexy and interesting reads there.
If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi
In my post ‘Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles’ I spoke about how my sleeping brain was causing me to feel insecure, and how security looks different within an alternative relationship model. I’m far from being an expert on this matter, and I have so much still to learn, there are some things I’ve figured out along the way though and as always I like to share those things with my lovely readers.
When Bakji and I first started playing together I was ridiculously ill equipped to deal with the feelings I would face surrounding how our friendship would change and grow. I was so convinced that I would never be in a position of having a ‘primary partner’ while exploring non-monogamy, that I didn’t seek out the resources I needed to guide me through that soon enough.
When you start delving into resources for polyamory and non-monogamy, you start to realise that as well as learning about new relationship models, you also start to learn a new language. You can find a very extensive glossary on the More Than Two site, to get a better idea of what I mean. One of the words that has popped up recently on my blog is compersion. That feeling of joy some people get from knowing their partner is finding sexual or romantic happiness with another person.
When I first joined the kink scene I had no idea I’d be presented with non-monogamy as a lifestyle choice. In my previous non-kink life, even the idea of a threesome was only hot in theory, I never, ever would have genuinely considered having one. When it became apparent that new experiences would open to me if I consider non-monogamy I decided to give it a shot. It was as a unicorn though that I decided to tip my toe in the non-monogamy waters.
Back in September I wrote ‘The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome’, and yes I’m aware I use the word awesome far too much, but I like it, loads, so you’re stuck with it. In that writing I covered some of my thoughts on compersion, and how I’d finally experienced it in some way, which I thought I never would. I debated whether or not writing about it again was worthwhile, for fear I might repeat myself and not add anything new to the mix, then I thought about it more and realised there is always more to unpack when it comes to non-monogamy.
“Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”
Myself and Bakji have started a spin-off podcast called ‘FemDom and Fetish Fun’ initially the plan was to release it to the general public, but after some feedback from our kind Patrons on Patreon we have decided it would be the perfect thing to offer then for their support. They are shorter than our normal episodes of #ProudToBeKinky, coming in at anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes, and they detail the kind of kinky shenanigans we get up to. The first one will be available on iTunes for a couple more weeks, as it takes time to get these things taken down.
In the latest episode we recorded for ‘FemDom and Fetish Fun’, which will be released to our Patrons at the end of this week, we touched upon something that I felt I wanted to share with you lovely readers.
The last couple of weeks have been chaotic here, podcasting has very much taken precedence, and our kinky sessions were severely neglected. Which is ironic considering that interest is what lies behind the decision to start a podcast. We also had some late nights due to events, which always leaves us feeling pretty worn out. Add to that parenting duties and day jobs, and we were left saying ‘there just wasn’t enough time for kink.’
I am a little bit cross with myself for falling prey to this belief though. There absolutely was time. What it needed though was for one of us to make time, and I’m not talking hours and hours of exploring every kink we’ve got. I’m talking minutes of time to reconnect in a kinky way, and not let the gap between sessions become so big.
A few weeks back we were doing the artwork for ‘F&FF’, which as it happens is a picture of my Latex and fishnet clad bum, with Latex gloved hands in the shot too. While I was not dressed for a kinky session, Bakji still ended up with his pants down, as he was subjected to a handjob. That whole exchange did not last more than 15 minutes. No restraints, no toys, no planning. It was still fun and kinky though. It’s moments like this I plan on making more use of.
I speak to a lot of people about what constitutes a scene for them, and yes a lot of the time many of us enjoy planning something more in depth, and it’s often fun to include quite a few components. Sometimes though time and life does not allow for the elaborate and extended sessions. So what do we do when that is the case? Unfortunately it seems like many of us revert to ‘there just wasn’t time’ and do nothing.
In my own life though I am proposing a change. I’ve decided that if Bakji has got 10 minutes to spare to tell me a funny story from his school days, then he’s also got 10 minutes to get kinked up. Even if all that involves is sitting on his face and telling him what I’m going to do to him when we have more time.
I appreciate that the above plan may not work for everyone, but have you got your own kinky quickie that you could or do incorporate into your days?
For me personally I also have to remember that non-kink and non-sexual physical affection are also important. I’m not a naturally cuddly person, and I think in past relationships the lack of emphasis I put on cuddles, hand holding and general physical closeness was a huge factor in why I sometimes felt disconnected from previous partners. So while I’m not always the instigator with hugs and kisses, I do try my very best to give them out as often as I can.
So with you guys as my witness Bakji is going to be getting more bursts of random FemDom heading his way, including impromptu facesitting, just because handjobs and oodles of hugs and kisses. I will update soon on how well the new regime works.
As I may have mentioned in previous posts, I am the Mother of a small human, he is 5, and he is of the boy variety, which is relevant for this post. Although that said he doesn’t yet understand pronouns, and in fact is still mastering when to use them correctly in a sentence, for example there’s a lot of ‘him jumped, or her said’. So I’m not sure how relevant his gender is to his everyday life. He’s also yet to ask many of the big questions we have to navigate as parents, and is still in the phase of acceptance many of us lose as we grow older.
Who he is when he grows up in terms of gender, sexuality and lifestyle choices matters far less to me than his happiness. I also hope that as well as being happy he is a decent human being. I try as best I can to let him be who he wants to be, even at 5. Right now all he really wants to be is funny, which is pretty cute. He just wants to make everyone laugh. He also wants to be kind to everyone, and gets upset when he sees other people acting unkindly. These are qualities I do not want to quash.
The later half of last week he was a poorly bunny, nothing serious, but he was tired, with a temperature and generally not himself. A small burst of energy had him brushing my hair and bringing me all my colourful, beaded bracelets and necklaces, so he could put them on me. Picking up a necklace he pops it on his head and asks me if that is what it is for. To me he looks utterly adorable, a pink bow just off centre made the whole image even cuter.
Being a Mum in this digital world is great, I was immediately able to capture the moment and share it with family and friends on Facebook. There was also a video complete with him doing a hula dance, which made my day, especially as he was so lethargic up until this point.
When I shared this picture and video on Facebook I never imagined it would prompt a writing for my blog, a blog that is predominantly about kinky stuff, I sometimes touch upon sexuality, but not often, because it really isn’t my forte. A family member made a comment that made my blood boil though, and ranting about it on here is really my best outlet.
The comment in question being ‘Nip that in the bud. Straight away.’ With a thumbs down emoji and then some kisses. The kisses I’m guessing make the whole comment okay! It could be that my uncle just has a hatred for bows, but I know, because I know him and the type of circles he runs in that this is about inciting gayness. To me though this is also telling me to stop allowing my child to be who he is, which is a funny little boy who cares enough to want to make Mummy laugh with a silly dance.
Another reason his comment made me so furious is that this uncle in question has a gay niece (my cousin), who is married to a woman, who is accepted and loved for who she is. I know 100% though, that a male coming out in our family would be ‘a fairy, a queer, bent etc’ and the question would be, ‘How did we make him gay?’ The rage this causes in me is hard to explain and it makes me wonder if this is still a widespread type of thinking?
As a bisexual woman I’ve faced my fair share of stupid comments:
You’re just greedy/scared of missing out (So greedy, that’s why my life is one constant orgy, oh wait, no it’s not)
When are you going to pick a side (hmmm … How about … never?)
Oh so you’re straight again/a lesbian again (depending on gender of my partner)
You must prefer one or the other (Must I? Really?)
You must love threesomes (Um, I hate to disappoint you but not so much)
How can you be trusted not to cheat? (There isn’t a big enough eye roll for this one)
The list could go on and on, but I’ll leave it there. My point is that I get that people make dumb comments about things they don’t understand, but are some people really so ignorant that they still don’t accept that sexuality is just who we are, and not the product of being allowed to wear pink bows as a child? Unless I’m the ignorant one and pink bows really are the route of all things non-hetero.
I have tried to unravel the thought process behind comments like the one that got me angry, and wondering why gay girls are okay and gay dudes not so much, and everything I come up with just makes me more angry. They either invalidate lesbian relationships, or paint gay men as predators with no self-control.
It makes me sad that views like this are held by people close to me. It makes me even sadder to know that my friends who are transgender, genderfluid, non-binary or anything other than cisgendered would be vilified even more than a gay man would be. That my lifestyle and the people I choose to have in my life would be frowned upon, laughed at or dismissed as somehow immoral.
I didn’t write this to show how enlightened I am, because I’m certain I have a long way to go or to show how great and progressive my parenting is, because it really isn’t. I wrote it because I am disappointed. I’m disappointed that more people aren’t ready to learn about and embrace people who are different to them. I am learning all the time, and the best way to learn is by interacting with awesome people who challenge the way we think and show us new ways to see the world.
While this was prompted by a comment about sexuality, my thoughts on the matter reflect how I feel about most differences that we can have with other people. Which on many occassions has led to be being called a ‘free loving liberal hippy’, I am certain this is meant to be an insult, but I’m still trying to figure out why. Better a free loving liberal hippy than an ignorant bigot.
I was perusing Twitter today via the #ProudToBeKinky account and I saw a tweet from @KinkAcademy, you can see the tweet here, the quote from it though was as follows.
‘The more trust two people build in each other the more intense and rewarding the play can be’
I quoted the Tweet, adding that I felt it was something that is often overlooked in the scene and that in my experience there is a lot of truth in the statement. I pondered on this long after I had done that tweet. Reflecting on my personal relationships, who I’ve trusted, why I trusted them and how it worked well and where it went wrong.
For many of us, especially those of us who enter the scene as a single person with little to no previous experience of BDSM, our first instinct when joining the kink community is to ‘do’, not to watch, not to learn, but to actually do the kink. A phase of our kink journey that will often be referred to as frenzy. It is a very real prospect, no matter where you fall on the kink spectrum. I think sub-frenzy is the aspect we talk about most, but Dominants/Tops are not immune to this.
When we are in the grip of frenzy, the level of trust we need in someone seems to be vastly reduced, or our trust is misplaced because we are not seeing things with as much rationality as might be warranted. I think in those early days many of us romanticise BDSM, feeling it should be organic and instinctive. When for many of us the best BDSM experiences come after a lot of communication, very unsexy negotiations and a lot of planning.
I made my own errors when it came to who I should trust and how much I should trust them. When I met CheshireCat_MMH and MasterMHatter, I was floundering somewhat. I had a hell of a lot to learn at that point, but I couldn’t seem to stop and breathe long enough to see that. I talk a lot about the journey I have taken with Bakji, but my journey to meeting him began with these two friends.
Meeting them allowed me a safe space to figure lots of things out. Some of those things included negotiating limits, using safe words, crying mid-scene, for both catharsis and for triggers, safely pushing boundaries and so much more. I learnt to use my words, that it was okay to turn up and say ‘well life is shit today, I can’t do rope’, and I wouldn’t be met with frustration or anger, but instead a coffee and a hug. I learnt that you could transition from play partners to friends, and not be cast aside. I learnt that this communty was about so much more than doing the kink, it’s about friendship, love, laughter, honesty, communication and trust. I learnt to trust my kinky friends in a way I had never quite managed with my non-kink friends.
They also introduced me to lots of awesome people, one of which as I’ve mentioned so many times before was Bakji, and with him my understanding of how important trust in your partner is has deepened even more. When Bakji first message me on Fetlife asking if I would like to rope bottom for him my trust in him meant that I trusted him enough to invite him into my home and I would be safe, I trusted him to not do anything insane, or to hurt me. I trusted him because he had social proof, people knew him and liked him, he seemed courteous, and I wanted to get to know him better.
Over time my trust in him, and his in me grew, and we explored more things together. I trusted him in public scenes, knowing that he would be my eyes and ears, and my judgement when I was in subspace and less capable of being aware of my surroundings. I trusted that I could end scenes, or opt out of kinky play entirely and he would not be cross. For almost a year this was where our trust level was at, and I never really considered whether or not it could or would develop more.
In truth though, in that first year I made it absolutely clear I had no interest in us Switching. I would not be a Top in any way, shape or form. However, this wasn’t because it didn’t interest me, it really did, but my confidence in that area had been shaken and I couldn’t believe that if I Topped Bakji it would work out well. I assumed it would just be a disaster.
It was his actions and his nature that made me trust in him enough to pick up my rope and take those tentative first steps into being a Rope Top. His encouragement and his obvious enjoyment meant I grew to trust him enough to fully explore the Toppy side of myself. My trust in my friends also played a part in this as well. I felt awkward and embarrassed in those early days of learning rope. I was so self conscious about doing things wrong, both with the rope skills and my approach to Topping. I had to take a leap of faith though, and trust that my friends would not judge me, which they definitely did not. They were nothing but encouraging and accepting.
Once myself and Bakji started Switching we revisited our Fetish Checklist and I think this is when we reached another level of trust and exploration. It can be tricky when filling out a Fetish Checklist, the temptation to try and tailor it to your partner so you don’t admit to something that might scare them off is fairly common, we reached a point though where we just took the plunge and said exactly where we were at with things, and it was a massive success. That’s not to say all our kinks align perfectly, they don’t, but there has been no ‘What? You’re into that? Gross/weird/don’t touch me’. I don’t feel rejected because Bakji doesn’t want to do some of the things I like, I just feel pleased I can admit I like them and not be judged for them
Over this last year, with our FemDom explorations firmly underway, the ways in which we trust each other have definitely evolved. I feel safe both physically and emotionally, I trust that Bakji has my back in both manners. I trust him as both a bottom and a Top. Which means we can push our play in new directions, and I don’t feel a sense of panic in case it doesn’t work out. There are things on our todo list that we may well reflect upon afterwards and say ‘well that wasn’t as sexy/fun/kinky as I thought it would be’, and that will be okay. Even if one of us loves it, and one of us doesn’t, it will still be okay. Because we trust each other to both be honest about it, and to react accordingly to the others feelings.
The journey I have taken both individually and as part of a pairing with Bakji to get to this point hasn’t always been easy, there have been times I’ve felt immensely vulnerable and fearful, there’s been anxiety over things I need to communicate and I’ve worried for far too long over things that ended up being irrelevant because I didn’t communicate sooner. These have all been opportunities to learn and grow though and with each hurdle that has been overcome the trust has deepened, the kink has intensified and life has become so much fun.
I really hope I’m preaching to the choir with this blog post, but just in case someone with no knowledge of the social side of BDSM stumbles onto my blog, I’m going to write this so it’s here for them to find.
This is another Reddit inspired blog post, I think now that I’ve deleted all the rubbish subreddits, so that my front page is entirely relevant to me you’ll be getting a lot more of these. So there I was perusing Reddit, when someone asked advice about their first munch. I send a well thought out reply, with all my top thoughts, and when I return later I see the following comment:
Munches … ‘Why do people do this? I don’t need to flag my sexuality and discuss it with other outcasts.’
Now don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of don’t feed the trolls. I think people who comment on things online with the sheer purpose of irritating people and instigating online arguments are just the most pitiful people going. However, in a discussion where new people, who might be easily dissuaded from actually being brave enough to take that first step are likely to read such ignorant comments, I felt I had to say something to highlight the fact he was in fact a douchebag. I’d also like to say that if the question had been ‘I’ve got a sub, who I met online, I’ve never had a problem using the internet for this kind of thing, I’m really curious as to why people go to munches.’ Then there wouldn’t be a blog post. I am not against people asking why. I am against people judging why.
Anyway, I politely pointed out that we go to munches to meet people with similar interests, so we can fulfil our sexual/emotional/physical desires with someone who understands our kinks. Also that it’s nice to have friends who understand the things we’re into because not doing so can indeed make kinky people feel like outcasts. I explained that munches at their heart are about finding a community in which you can be yourself and learn from others because it’s not that easy to just randomly stumble across someone in non-scene life who has the same kinks as you, especially if your kinks are a little more unusual. I posed the question ‘People with common interests meet up all the time, sports bars, book clubs, car shows, knitting groups, why should BDSM be any different?’
His reply was priceless:
‘I don’t see other sexual deviants having these meetups. Except maybe furries … with whom I don’t want any connection. What’s wrong with the internet? Also I already have a sub, so there’s really nothing for me there. I tend to not like other bdsm people… they’re usually the special snowflakes that didn’t fit in earlier in their life.’
Firstly, hell yeah we are special snowflakes! Most of us probably didn’t fit in too well at some points in our life, the reason being? We are too frickin awesome! Secondly thank goodness he doesn’t like other BDSM people, we do not need attitudes like this at munches. I personally love meeting other sexual deviants, and I am baffled that he seems to use that as a derogatory statement. All my friends are deviant perverts and I love them all the more for it. As for Furries, I don’t know any, and that makes me sad. I am so curious about getting myself in a furry suit. I’d like to be a cute colourful fox or kitten. I’d love friends to explore this with.
On a more serious note, I know he was trolling. I suspect the fact I even replied made him feel validated! Which makes me feel dirty, and not in the good way. Attitudes like this though, and similar thought processes, are quite possibly what prevents people from being brave enough to go to a munch, because:
What if someone finds out they’ve been? Will they be judged as a ‘sexual deviant flagging their sexuality’?
If they do get found out will they become an ‘outcast’ with their friends and family?
What will the other attendees be like? Will we be more perverted than they can handle?
Those thoughts are so common that I think everyone I know used one of them as a reason not to go to a munch at least once before they actually joined the scene. It is in part the reason Bakji thought up the idea that has become #ProudToBeKinky, and my belief that we need to move away from these attitudes is why I wholeheartedly supported his endeavour and how I’ve come to be so involved in it.
I am by their very definitions a pervert and a sexual deviant. I’m also a Mum, a friend, a daughter, a colleague. I try to be kind and caring, I’ve got personal issues with hugs and stuff, but I’ll put that aside if a friend needs a hug while they cry. When my son is with his Dad I go off on my adventures with Bakji, but if my phones goes, and it’s from my son or about my son, I am a Mum, always. Nothing could outrank him ever. I’ve told my Dad all about my BDSM lifestyle and guess what, he still loves and supports me, because he knows I am more than just my lifestyle. My colleagues are all non-kink, yet all ask me what my latest event was like and what I wore. None of them have been harmed by hearing about my lifestyle.
That is what you are getting when you go to a munch. Real people, with real lives who enjoy kinky stuff. Some people only do kink once in awhile in the bedroom, some have 24/7 dynamics. There are folk like myself and Bakji who love going to lots of Fetish events, and others who never go to big events at all. Even at rope groups, where the aim is to tie or be tied, we turn up in our comfy clothes, stand around drinking tea and chatting, hardly ever about rope or kink funnily enough.
The viewpoint that different equals scary and threatening is surely outdated. Though I appreciate that thought process is having an effect on the world in far more terrifying ways than stopping people going to munches. I once got told by someone that I was ‘just a free loving hippy who wanted the world to live in harmony’, and it wasn’t meant as a compliment. The statement wasn’t incorrect though, it was their tone that made me realise they thought it was a bad quality.
Essentially though it’s true, and I’ll keep this next bit Kink oriented so this blog post doesn’t get too heavy. I don’t care what your kinks are, my only thoughts about other people’s kinks and fetishes are:
That we should engage in them with consensual adults
That we should all be aware of the risks we may encounter
That where possible and appropriate we learn necessary safety measures and adhere to them
If someone is happy doing BDSM things at home, with someone they met online and never wants to go to a munch. Fine. If someone only wants to do online D/s. Fine. Are you into sniffing worn socks? Fine. Scat? Fine. Bondage? Fine. Sex toys? Fine. Crossdressing? Fine. The list is endless, and covers every kink or fetish you can think of. I really try my hardest to listen, learn and not judge. What I’m not fine with? Myself and other people being told what we should or shouldn’t do, think or feel. If you are small-minded, bigoted, judgemental, cruel, or a bully online or in person, then you can fuck right off.
If however you have an open heart and an open mind, and you like to celebrate people’s differences and support safe environments in which people can be themselves and explore who they might one day become, then you’re lovely and we should be friends.
As I mentioned briefly in my last blog post, myself and Bakji are a few months off having been intimately involved for 2 years. I must admit when we first started spending time together I didn’t envisage us being involved for much more than a few months. Not because I wasn’t into him, I really, really was. However, I was in strange place with relationships generally and his views were staunch and well publicised each time we met, I honestly felt that at some point our needs would be too different to continue. Here we are though, not a couple of months, but a couple of years later, I sometimes wonder how exactly have we made it this far.
We had a somewhat awkward moment last weekend though, that made me realise how important some things we do together are to me, and how they have helped things grow between us.
I will give brief version of the awkward scenario, just for giggles, before I move on to my main points. There we were, house sitting for my Dad & his girlfriend, about 30 minutes after the end of a pretty intense scene. Kinky stuff all over the place, both half naked, mid-way through getting dressed, when there’s a noise at the door. My dad, who has never once returned early from these trips, is indeed early, by about 4 hours. Cue me answering the door in my leggings and bra, trying to explain why they can’t come into their own house.
‘There’s stuff everywhere’ I say, emphasising the word stuff, praying my dad will get that I mean my weird stuff. But no …
‘We don’t care about that’ he says looking perplexed.
Without another thought i just blurt out ‘Bakji’s naked’.
Which actually works, they realise what they’ve stumbled into and go off for a coffee while we gather ourselves together. Like teenagers who’ve just been caught ‘doing it’, we hurriedly hid all our kinky wares, including removing some very kinky looking shiny black palette wrap from a gym bench. I did however have to explain why I had a gym bench in my car at a later point! Then once that was all done, Bakji headed back to his, I headed off to pick my son up from his Dad’s, and just like that normal life took over.
That evening I felt at a bit of a loss, I always miss Bakji when we’re apart, but saying proper goodbyes and receiving as many hugs as possible before parting make the pangs of missing him much easier. I realised then how important some of our ‘normal’ is facilitating what is a fairly unconventional relationship in some people’s views.
As I’ve touched upon before, and is probably obvious from above we don’t live together, and neither of us have any intentions of doing so in the future. There are a few other things we don’t do that I always considered not only normal for relationships, but things you had to do to validate your relationship, such as:
We don’t see each other every day
We don’t do family events together
It took a long time for the words ‘relationship’ & ‘couple’ to come into play
We still don’t use girlfriend/boyfriend
Though not currently actively poly, we’re not monogamous either, though that is less of a factor for me than it is for Bakji
I am very open with everyone I know about my life. So all my friends and family know I have a Bakji in my life, and it takes about one mention of him for them to realise what kind of relationship we have. So when I then start explaining the finer details they tend to get very confused. They don’t understand how I can be happy with what they see as deficiencies, purely because they would seek more time or need more clarity in their own personal relationships.
What I have come to realise in my time with Bakji though is that having the things I need to have, is far more important to me than having the things people think I should have. I don’t need a live in partner or someone to wear the boyfriend label, what I want is someone who makes me happy and will go on adventures with me, I want to be passionate about them and I want more than anything to be a positive presence in their life.
I never really thought about why I’m happy doing things the way we do though, especially as it is so different to how I’ve done things before. I think what it boils down to though, is the things we do that support our relationship and help it grow, they keep me from needing to ask for those more conventional things out of fear or insecurity. Not that I’m saying that’s why other people do those things, but in my current situation I think it’s an accurate reflection for me.
I’m also not trying to claim I’m never insecure either, but that is probably a blog post for another day. However on the whole, I’m secure enough to be happy in what we have. But this weekend has definitely shown me that without the positive things we do to reinforce what we have, things would probably be very different.
I don’t find physical affection that natural to engage in, Bakji however is the exact opposite, and I’ve recently realised just how much I need the hugs and the physical closeness, when those things are absent, even if I’ve spent the whole day with Bakji, I miss him terribly, in a way that starts to feel unmanageable because it will manifest into other more unwelcome feelings. So I’m grateful that he is always ready to ply me with hugs and kisses, and that I am I hope getting better at initiating these things myself.
I’ve also become quite fond of our daily messages, and our good mornings and goodnights. This isn’t something we sat down and decided we should do, it just seems to have evolved organically. That daily contact though, makes me feel connected to him in a way I wouldn’t if we just caught up on things at the weekend. I like hearing about his day, and telling him about mine.
I never really thought about those little things before and about what they meant to me. How important those normal everyday actions are in supporting us navigate our slightly less conventional relationship, and I’m so grateful for all those little things.