I had multiple ideas for the before and after prompt. Some fictional. Some fact, some sexy, some not. Most of the ones based on personal experiences are long since past, while the after maybe still remain in my life in terms of being part of my life experience it isn’t ongoing as such. Then I was lost down a rabbit hole of music on YouTube and Spotify and I came across a song that got me thinking about before and after where the after is still very much my present and I decided that should be my post for this week.
It’s factual. It’s honest. It’s emotional. It’s lovey-dovey and it’s a lot of things I never really take the time to say, to myself or anyone else.
I’m not big on the ‘L’ word, when I saw it was the prompt for the week I was doing the round-up for Wicked Wednesday I really did think that was vaguely comical. In the three years I have been intimately involved with Bakji I have probably said it no more than dozen times, maybe even less than 10. Or it could be more but I might have been drunk for many of them.
In addition to the above, which must seem like a terrible admission, It took me about 2 years to say ‘I love you’, I felt it after about 3 months, at 4 months I realised I wasn’t going to undo the horror of ‘falling in love’ and promised myself that if I felt the same after 6 months I’d say it. Then for many a fucked up reason I decided to never say it, would be a wiser decision.
What happened in the absence of I love you was actually quite sweet, we found different ways to express our affection, both of us I think not daring or wanting to declare too much. I think we each had our own reasons for that, but I think in part for both of us it was not wanting to ‘jinx it’.
Even now it is something we say very infrequently, but when it is said it is rather lovely, I have to admit that. Discussing why I felt the way I do, or feel the way I do about ‘I love you’ is well known to me, but would be thoroughly depressing to write about. A lot of it is irrational and I need to let so much of it go, and I’m working on that, sort of, but I think this is one case where writing out just won’t help.
Instead I want to focus on something positive. Well ten positives actually. In a somewhat uncharacteristic display of unabashed affection I would like to share with you 10 things I love about Bakji, all of which show that he is to blame for me catching feelings in the first place.
He is super funny!
Anyone who listens to the podcast will have heard my eye-rolls when Bakji interrupts me with yet another joke. Don’t be fooled though, those eye-rolls are nearly always accompanied by a grin and he has made me laugh every single day for the last three years. He is so silly sometimes and he think up daft games for us to play to keep me entertained. My own nature is far more serious and I need that laughter in my life. That he not only can make me laugh, but is so happy to do so, is truly one of my favourite things about him
He helps me try new things!
The amount of new things I’ve tried and discovered I love since meeting Bakji is a really long list. From podcasts to food, and of course new kinks. I have discovered more about myself in three years than I did in the previous 30! He does this by sharing his likes with me, and not being a bumhead when I decide to copy. He suggests new things to me and is happy when I seem curious and decide maybe I’d like that thing too.
He’s kind and generous
In the early days of our sexy friendship I was very careful not to overshare. No mentioning my worries, no boring him with the drudgery of my life as a parent, keeping the conversation light and as carefree as possible was my main aim. I was determined to never seem ill, or out of sorts and vowed that if I ever was those things then Bakji wouldn’t be dealing with them. As time has gone on hiding all those things from someone has been impossible, and when I have shared these things with Bakji he has always been the sweetest and most loving person I could ask for, and when and where he can he is always generous in terms of helping me make things better. I still dig my heels in sometimes when it comes to being looked after, but it’s actually a wonderful thing to know that he there for me when I need him.
He loves going on adventures with me
When I first joined the kink community one of the things I was searching for was adventure. By adventure I don’t necessarily mean distant travels to far away lands, although I’m not saying no to that if someone is offering. Adventures to me can be all kinds of things, for Bakji and I our adventures together began with travelling to kink events. Living outside of London meant lots of car journeys. We would drive to London, park near the event venue, have our fun, then drive home again at any time between 1am and 4am! Usually falling into bed between 6am and 7am. It never failed to shock people, but it was fun and we were doing it all together which made it even better. We’ve also had adventures in learning rope, adventures into new realms of kinky fun and adventures in non-monogamy. It was also only this year that we actually did go on an international adventure and that was an amazing adventure for sure. I know we have many more adventures to come and I can’t wait for them all.
He gives the best cuddles and snuggles
Physical affection is something that does not come naturally to me. No big bad reason for that. It’s just the way I am, with everyone. When I met Bakji and we started doing kinky things together the aftercare bit was not what I was expecting. Content to be left alone he would initiate a hug, and I think it may have been the first time we did this I actually said ‘we don’t have to hug’, his reply to which was he would like to, if that’s okay. It was different, but it wasn’t an issue so we began to hug more and somewhere along the line I began to love those cuddles. They are so good. I’m still not the best at initiating them. I do it far more than I ever imagined I would though and I love snuggling with Bakji, especially when we have sleepovers and we are all cosy in bed together. It is one of the best feelings in the world.
He’s gorgeous and sexy
Is it cheating to include this one I wonder? Maybe, but I feel like it would be less authentic if I didn’t include it because I’d be lying if I said Bakji’s gorgeous face wasn’t one of the first things that I noticed about him. He is so pretty. Three years down the line and he is even more gorgeous now than he was when I first met him and that is quite an achievement. His body was so enticing that it made me decide that I need to learn rope and take up Topping. I know some people find focusing on physical attraction shallow, but that physical attraction and chemistry we have together is all part of what made the deeper feelings develop. Without that initial ‘phwoar, I want some of that sexy’ we may not be where we are at all.
He listens and hears
One of the things I have often found frustrating is when I try to talk something through with someone and they offer me a solution based not on what I said, or meant, but based on what they decided I’d said. Listening is one thing, but actually hearing someone is a whole other skill set. I am forever grateful that Bakji doesn’t just listen to me, but he hears me too. He doesn’t leap to solutions either,thought he does offer his assistance if he feels it’s appropriate. Often though I don’t need him to fix anything for me, I say often because sometimes I really do need that, most of all though what I’m usually looking for is just a sounding board or a listening ear and someone to tell me it will be okay. The fact that Bakji actually gets this means a lot.
He’s unapologetic about being himself
We do not have the most conventional of relationships and we have no desire to follow the more regular steps of the relationship escalator as it were. We both have our own reasons for this, some overlap, some don’t. What I have always respected about Bakji is that he has no desire to pander to society and apologise for not wanting some of the things that may be expected from him. In the beginning this meant that I didn’t quite appreciate that our relationship could and eventually develop in something a little more meaningful than I had initially imagined. It was I think a reason I didn’t really keep my guard up, because I didn’t think there was anything to guard against. Not wanting to live together or use more familiar (to society) terminology for our dynamic doesn’t make it any less special though. I think Bakji always new these things, and a multitude of other things, and it took me some time to figure them out. I’m glad I did though because I adore the slightly random way in which we have combined sexy forces and feel blessed to have done so without either of us having to have compromised on things that are deal breakers for us. (Just to add we do compromise overall, we are no immovable and unfeeling objects.)
He challenges me to be better
Not as in ‘I challenge thee to duel, be better now or I shall poke thee with my fighting stick’, although now I’ve written that I’m having thoughts about his ‘fighting stick’ (yes I do mean willy) and I think improvements could be made faster if he threatened me with it more. In all seriousness though, there are some people who drag you down in life, and some who lift you up. Quite often it’s not even about whether or not they try to do those things, it’s just human nature. Bakji is thankfully one of those people who lifts you up. He is organised, driven and always on the lookout to improve himself or learn new things. He does those things for him, but witnessing them makes me want to do them for myself too. I think I’m yet to make the leap from better self to best self, but these things don’t happen overnight and luckily I have a Bakji to keep me company along the way.
I sometimes get messages on Instagram asking if I’m ‘single’ which isn’t actually true or false, non-monogamy and/or polyamory rather changes the way you need to ask and answer that question. I am however not ‘available’ to them, so I always say no, and because I don’t care to give them my life story I simply say I ‘have a partner’. To which they always nearly always reply, ‘oh, I bet he wouldn’t like knowing you show the world your arse/sell men nudes/are a massive cok tease’ etc. Not only does he know, but he wholeheartedly support me doing things that a) entertain me and b) earn me some extra monies. He is supportive of me in so many ways and he is supportive of me for the best reason ever, he simply wants good things for me. He also trusts me not to do anything stupid, like sell a kidney for a fiver or meet a random stranger offering me 50p for a blowjob.
There we have it, 10 delightful things that I love about Bakji, or things about Bakji that make me love him, I’m not really sure which way round it works. Either way though, he is the most awesome sexy-friend a girl could ask for.
Written for this weeks Wicked Wednesday prompt, please do check out the other blog post that are added to the link up, my fellow bloggers never disappoint and you will definitely find some sexy and interesting reads there.
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In my post ‘Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles’ I spoke about how my sleeping brain was causing me to feel insecure, and how security looks different within an alternative relationship model. I’m far from being an expert on this matter, and I have so much still to learn, there are some things I’ve figured out along the way though and as always I like to share those things with my lovely readers.
When Bakji and I first started playing together I was ridiculously ill equipped to deal with the feelings I would face surrounding how our friendship would change and grow. I was so convinced that I would never be in a position of having a ‘primary partner’ while exploring non-monogamy, that I didn’t seek out the resources I needed to guide me through that soon enough.
When you start delving into resources for polyamory and non-monogamy, you start to realise that as well as learning about new relationship models, you also start to learn a new language. You can find a very extensive glossary on the More Than Two site, to get a better idea of what I mean. One of the words that has popped up recently on my blog is compersion. That feeling of joy some people get from knowing their partner is finding sexual or romantic happiness with another person.
When I first joined the kink scene I had no idea I’d be presented with non-monogamy as a lifestyle choice. In my previous non-kink life, even the idea of a threesome was only hot in theory, I never, ever would have genuinely considered having one. When it became apparent that new experiences would open to me if I consider non-monogamy I decided to give it a shot. It was as a unicorn though that I decided to tip my toe in the non-monogamy waters.
Back in September I wrote ‘The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome’, and yes I’m aware I use the word awesome far too much, but I like it, loads, so you’re stuck with it. In that writing I covered some of my thoughts on compersion, and how I’d finally experienced it in some way, which I thought I never would. I debated whether or not writing about it again was worthwhile, for fear I might repeat myself and not add anything new to the mix, then I thought about it more and realised there is always more to unpack when it comes to non-monogamy.
“Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”
Myself and Bakji have started a spin-off podcast called ‘FemDom and Fetish Fun’ initially the plan was to release it to the general public, but after some feedback from our kind Patrons on Patreon we have decided it would be the perfect thing to offer then for their support. They are shorter than our normal episodes of #ProudToBeKinky, coming in at anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes, and they detail the kind of kinky shenanigans we get up to. The first one will be available on iTunes for a couple more weeks, as it takes time to get these things taken down.
In the latest episode we recorded for ‘FemDom and Fetish Fun’, which will be released to our Patrons at the end of this week, we touched upon something that I felt I wanted to share with you lovely readers.
The last couple of weeks have been chaotic here, podcasting has very much taken precedence, and our kinky sessions were severely neglected. Which is ironic considering that interest is what lies behind the decision to start a podcast. We also had some late nights due to events, which always leaves us feeling pretty worn out. Add to that parenting duties and day jobs, and we were left saying ‘there just wasn’t enough time for kink.’
I am a little bit cross with myself for falling prey to this belief though. There absolutely was time. What it needed though was for one of us to make time, and I’m not talking hours and hours of exploring every kink we’ve got. I’m talking minutes of time to reconnect in a kinky way, and not let the gap between sessions become so big.
A few weeks back we were doing the artwork for ‘F&FF’, which as it happens is a picture of my Latex and fishnet clad bum, with Latex gloved hands in the shot too. While I was not dressed for a kinky session, Bakji still ended up with his pants down, as he was subjected to a handjob. That whole exchange did not last more than 15 minutes. No restraints, no toys, no planning. It was still fun and kinky though. It’s moments like this I plan on making more use of.
I speak to a lot of people about what constitutes a scene for them, and yes a lot of the time many of us enjoy planning something more in depth, and it’s often fun to include quite a few components. Sometimes though time and life does not allow for the elaborate and extended sessions. So what do we do when that is the case? Unfortunately it seems like many of us revert to ‘there just wasn’t time’ and do nothing.
In my own life though I am proposing a change. I’ve decided that if Bakji has got 10 minutes to spare to tell me a funny story from his school days, then he’s also got 10 minutes to get kinked up. Even if all that involves is sitting on his face and telling him what I’m going to do to him when we have more time.
I appreciate that the above plan may not work for everyone, but have you got your own kinky quickie that you could or do incorporate into your days?
For me personally I also have to remember that non-kink and non-sexual physical affection are also important. I’m not a naturally cuddly person, and I think in past relationships the lack of emphasis I put on cuddles, hand holding and general physical closeness was a huge factor in why I sometimes felt disconnected from previous partners. So while I’m not always the instigator with hugs and kisses, I do try my very best to give them out as often as I can.
So with you guys as my witness Bakji is going to be getting more bursts of random FemDom heading his way, including impromptu facesitting, just because handjobs and oodles of hugs and kisses. I will update soon on how well the new regime works.
As I may have mentioned in previous posts, I am the Mother of a small human, he is 5, and he is of the boy variety, which is relevant for this post. Although that said he doesn’t yet understand pronouns, and in fact is still mastering when to use them correctly in a sentence, for example there’s a lot of ‘him jumped, or her said’. So I’m not sure how relevant his gender is to his everyday life. He’s also yet to ask many of the big questions we have to navigate as parents, and is still in the phase of acceptance many of us lose as we grow older.
Who he is when he grows up in terms of gender, sexuality and lifestyle choices matters far less to me than his happiness. I also hope that as well as being happy he is a decent human being. I try as best I can to let him be who he wants to be, even at 5. Right now all he really wants to be is funny, which is pretty cute. He just wants to make everyone laugh. He also wants to be kind to everyone, and gets upset when he sees other people acting unkindly. These are qualities I do not want to quash.
The later half of last week he was a poorly bunny, nothing serious, but he was tired, with a temperature and generally not himself. A small burst of energy had him brushing my hair and bringing me all my colourful, beaded bracelets and necklaces, so he could put them on me. Picking up a necklace he pops it on his head and asks me if that is what it is for. To me he looks utterly adorable, a pink bow just off centre made the whole image even cuter.
Being a Mum in this digital world is great, I was immediately able to capture the moment and share it with family and friends on Facebook. There was also a video complete with him doing a hula dance, which made my day, especially as he was so lethargic up until this point.
When I shared this picture and video on Facebook I never imagined it would prompt a writing for my blog, a blog that is predominantly about kinky stuff, I sometimes touch upon sexuality, but not often, because it really isn’t my forte. A family member made a comment that made my blood boil though, and ranting about it on here is really my best outlet.
The comment in question being ‘Nip that in the bud. Straight away.’ With a thumbs down emoji and then some kisses. The kisses I’m guessing make the whole comment okay! It could be that my uncle just has a hatred for bows, but I know, because I know him and the type of circles he runs in that this is about inciting gayness. To me though this is also telling me to stop allowing my child to be who he is, which is a funny little boy who cares enough to want to make Mummy laugh with a silly dance.
Another reason his comment made me so furious is that this uncle in question has a gay niece (my cousin), who is married to a woman, who is accepted and loved for who she is. I know 100% though, that a male coming out in our family would be ‘a fairy, a queer, bent etc’ and the question would be, ‘How did we make him gay?’ The rage this causes in me is hard to explain and it makes me wonder if this is still a widespread type of thinking?
As a bisexual woman I’ve faced my fair share of stupid comments:
You’re just greedy/scared of missing out (So greedy, that’s why my life is one constant orgy, oh wait, no it’s not)
When are you going to pick a side (hmmm … How about … never?)
Oh so you’re straight again/a lesbian again (depending on gender of my partner)
You must prefer one or the other (Must I? Really?)
You must love threesomes (Um, I hate to disappoint you but not so much)
How can you be trusted not to cheat? (There isn’t a big enough eye roll for this one)
The list could go on and on, but I’ll leave it there. My point is that I get that people make dumb comments about things they don’t understand, but are some people really so ignorant that they still don’t accept that sexuality is just who we are, and not the product of being allowed to wear pink bows as a child? Unless I’m the ignorant one and pink bows really are the route of all things non-hetero.
I have tried to unravel the thought process behind comments like the one that got me angry, and wondering why gay girls are okay and gay dudes not so much, and everything I come up with just makes me more angry. They either invalidate lesbian relationships, or paint gay men as predators with no self-control.
It makes me sad that views like this are held by people close to me. It makes me even sadder to know that my friends who are transgender, genderfluid, non-binary or anything other than cisgendered would be vilified even more than a gay man would be. That my lifestyle and the people I choose to have in my life would be frowned upon, laughed at or dismissed as somehow immoral.
I didn’t write this to show how enlightened I am, because I’m certain I have a long way to go or to show how great and progressive my parenting is, because it really isn’t. I wrote it because I am disappointed. I’m disappointed that more people aren’t ready to learn about and embrace people who are different to them. I am learning all the time, and the best way to learn is by interacting with awesome people who challenge the way we think and show us new ways to see the world.
While this was prompted by a comment about sexuality, my thoughts on the matter reflect how I feel about most differences that we can have with other people. Which on many occassions has led to be being called a ‘free loving liberal hippy’, I am certain this is meant to be an insult, but I’m still trying to figure out why. Better a free loving liberal hippy than an ignorant bigot.