Tag: #ProudToBeKinky

Podcast 101: The What, The How, The Why and The Who.

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Every now and again I’ll mention #ProudToBeKinky Podcast on this blog, which for anyone who doesn’t know is a podcast that I host with my sexy friend Bakji. The ethos of the podcast is to support and encourage the kinky and the kink curious as they journey into their kink community or start trying their kinks at home. We aim to keep things positive, fun and non-judgemental.

We have had a combination of guests episodes and episodes with just Bakji and I, of late we have moved into sharing details of out FemDom scenes as the main content of our episodes. Which we hope helps people to see that no matter your kinks you can have fun and play safely without the need for ‘one true wayism’ or venturing into stereotypes that don’t really do it for you.

That covers in a nutshell what #ProudToBeKinky is but the bigger question is … what the hell is a podcast? Yep, it was brought to my attention at the end of last year that it’s all well and good me pimping the podcast on my blog, but perhaps I’m overlooking the fact that not everyone knows what a podcast is or how to access them, or for that matter why they’d even want to.

For those of you who are looking to try new things in 2019 perhaps my Podcast 101 post can point you in the right direction and you can discover a whole host of shows that will get you excited, informed, entertained and maybe even aroused! Yes, they are that good they will turn you on!

Continue reading “Podcast 101: The What, The How, The Why and The Who.”

[Kink] How Taboo Is Your Kink? And Why Does It Matter?

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How Taboo Is Your Kink?

When we first start exploring our own individual kinks the vast majority of us seem to expect that we will be the only one into our particular kink. In reality I am yet to meet someone who is the only one with their kink. Which means in 3 years I haven’t encountered a single person who has a truly unique kink, in theory everyone I have met, either online or in person could potentially engage in their kink with another person.

An email from a #ProudToBeKinky listener got me thinking about taboo kinks, and how taboo our kinks really are and whether or not that matters. As always I think there are lots of strands of thinking to this. First of all what is taboo in the non-kink world is very different to what is taboo in the kink community. When you don’t have any other kinksters to discuss these matters with, it can be easy to assume your kinks are uncommon and therefore will shock others when you open up about them.

If you type taboo fetishes into google the first entry offers up:

  • Mecaphilia – Fetish for mechanical objects
  • Tickling Fetish
  • Squashing – defined as having someone sit on you chest
  • Scat Play
  • Electrical Stimulation
  • Golden Showers – aka urophilia, watersports, piss play
  • Sex Parties
  • Balloon Fetish
  • Diaper Fetish
  • Furries

I have had personal interactions, by this I mean conversational exchanges, with people who have between them had all but one of those Fetishes. The only one I have never encountered personally is Mecaphilia. While I admit that discussing any of these kinks over dinner with family or over lunch with colleagues is going to raise more than a few eyebrows and will likely lead to the individual opening up being unfairly shamed for their interests, within the kink community the reaction would be a lot different.

Most reasonable and kind kinksters will apply the ‘your kink is not my kink but that’s okay’ line of thinking to most kinks they do not have a desire to engage in. The exception to this would be if your kink is likely to endanger you or someone else, violates another person consent or involves minors.

Am I Saying No Kink Is Taboo?

Definitely not. There are kinks and Fetishes that for understandable reasons will cause people to either wonder if your reasons for engaging in them are safe, sane and consensual or cause someone who is into them to question their own personal beliefs, morality and state of mind. Many taboo kinks have political or social overtones to them than cannot, and should not be overlooked. I think it is important to both accept and understand why more taboo and extreme kinks and Fetishes might be challenging for some people to hear about and/or witness.

There are certainly some kinks that I would advise people to conduct largely in private unless they were certain the company they were keeping would not feel at best uncomfortable and at worse triggered by being exposed to a kink or Fetish that may have negative connotations for them. Interests that I would say often come under this umbrella for many people include but are not limited to race play, rape play and incest play. Also anything that Fetishsizes and glorifies people or parties that are largely condemned as abhorrent.

Just to be clear I am not saying you should be ashamed of or hide even the more taboo kinks, and I’m certainly not saying you shouldn’t engage in the with a consenting adult. Being mindful and aware of other people’s feelings though is not the same as hiding away and being shamed.

When I opened this conversation on Twitter a follower kindly shared Ugol’s Law with me.

Ugol’s Law will tell you that for every time someone asks the question, “Am I the only one who likes this?” that the answer will always be no. The law stems from the idea that we have more in common as human beings than we might think. It also suggests that once you start looking for like-minded people, you will inevitably find someone who shares the same feelings, desires, and kink as you do. – From Kinkly.com

So whatever our kink we there will be another person with the same interest. Why then do we find ourselves feeling like we are alone in our desires and why does the question of something being taboo matter?

IMG_7285In a group chat with friends I posed this same question and one of them hit the nail on the head with why this comes up again and again. When you haven’t found like minded friends and/or a like minded partner, you may as well be the only person with your kink. With a world population of 7 billion people the chances of you just bumping into a person with your kink at the local pub or at a work event are pretty slim.

Even when you reach the kink community there are definitely those kinks that feel common place, and it seems like everyone is doing them. BDSM, in its full form of Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and submission and Sadism and masochism, is often used as a blanket term for kink. However it’s quite possible to have a kink or Fetish you are really passionate about and not identify with any of the branches of BDSM. In that scenario I can see how opening up about your specific kink can feel scary even to fellow kinksters.

What is The Solution?

Find a community. This doesn’t mean you have to go to your local munch. Even though I do think this is a great way to actually meet like minded people and increase your chances of meeting someone who will engage in your kink with you. Online communities are also a totally valid way of connecting with people and for the more taboo kinks I think this can be a really good way to feel less isolated.

Also reaching out to people who seem open minded and friendly can often be a great way to share your kinks and be reassured that they’re not as outlandish as you might think. It might even be that they can recommend resources and/or folks with similar interests, even if they are not into it themselves.

Being prepared to start small can often be make or break in whether or not you get to live out your kink not only to its fullest but at all. When you have never considered a kink before being asked to take it to its most extreme is likely to fill most people with a variety of feelings, many of them will make the prospect of trying whatever it is quite daunting. Even those new to spanking, which is am extremely popular kink, are really nervous to give it a try, so being asked to cane someone until they before you’ve tried spanking is going to feel terrifying to most people.

Having some kink is better than having no kink in most situations. If your deepest desire is full on forced feminization, with wig, makeup and a full Latex sissy maid dress, but your partner is wary and wants to start out with lace panties and stockings, then go with that. People take time to find their own comfort zones, especially when it isn’t their specific kink they are exploring. Many kinks crossover though and we can find enjoyment through embracing our own kinks while indulging other people in theirs.

While acknowledging your kink and starting to explore it can often feel isolating and daunting, there is every chance that you are not alone and that you can and will find someone to engage in it with you. Patience, mindfulness and being proactive in a community with definitely help your chances though. If you have found this because you have you own kink or Fetish that you are uncertain about or feel alone with, please feel free to use the contact form to get in touch.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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[Kink] Super Sexy Thoughts on Erotic Humiliation

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Recently myself and Bakji spoke to Princess Kali about erotic humiliation for ProudToBeKinky. During that podcast I recalled how her book, Enough To Make You Blush, was one of my earliest and favourite resources when I was starting out in my FemDom journey. Having heard Princess Kali on Masocast, I was intrigued by the idea that humiliation play perhaps wasn’t what I thought it was, and decided I would read the book to find out more. What I found out was that the idea of erotic humiliation was really intriguing.

As I said in the podcast blog, humiliation seems to be one of the kinks that gets a lot of people saying ‘oh no, I’m not into that’, when I think in reality a lot of us play with it without even knowing that is what we are doing. The spectrum of humiliation play is vast, and there are so many ways to play with it and not all of them involve stereotype phrases like ‘you’re a pathetic, snivelling, dirty little worm’, although I have used the word pathetic once or twice, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all, if your partner is receptive to it.

There are lots of discussion groups on Fetlife surrounding humiliation, some of which are filled with awesome ideas, and Enough To Make You Blush also contains a lot of hints and scenes that could get you started. As with every kink though we are all different, and what humiliates one person will have no effect on another. Which means that this might be a bit of a long game kink, it might take some time to dig around in your partner’s mind a little to discover what it is that makes them tick.

I am definitely more into verbal erotic humiliation, though I definitely have more physical aspects of humiliation play that I’d like to explore. The kinds of verbal play we engage in are along the lines of embarrassment, teasing and name calling. As I said on the podcast for those who listened, Bakji has no shame, he is a proud and glorious pervert, so I have my work cut out for me when it comes to finding the right words to bring a blush to his cheeks. Unless it’s his bum cheeks in which case a few good spanks causes a beautiful rosy glow.

What I have discovered though is tone and context are everything. Calling your partner simple because they bought the wrong beans at the supermarket, not nice. Calling them simple because they are all sub-spacey and can’t use their words properly, super sexy. Pointing out they can’t use their words properly, and trying to get them to speak, even sexier. Continuing this until they’re completely incoherent and then highlighting how they’re not longer even a proper person but just a support system for a cock, insanely sexy.

Those kinds of things are only fun for me though because Bakji reacts well to them. It is not fun for me to make some cry because I’ve said something triggering and they are tears of genuine upset. It is however fun to make someone cry because they are desperate to come, extremely frustrated and mildly concerned that you’re going to drive them insane with your sexy FemDom sorcery. I haven’t actually made Bakji cry yet, but I will, and when I do it will be glorious, and I will laugh, and he will adore me for it.

This is probably a slightly terrifying insight into my mind for anyone who doesn’t find this kind of stuff fun, but I never knew how freeing and exciting this kind of play would be until I tried it. When `I’m not embracing my monstrous FemDom ego, I’m lovely. I’m very nurturing and kind, I don’t say mean things and I don’t laugh at other people’s misfortune. Which means it is rather liberating to go against the grain and embrace my inner bitch. Now of course this isn’t to say that everyone into FemDom feels this way, kinky Domination isn’t one size fits all and this is just my take on things.

Now if anyone is worrying for Bakji’s safety or his emotional well-being, especially if you’re new and this is the first post you’re reading. We are in a consensual kinky relationship, we’ve had many, many exchanges about what we are happy to engage in, what our limits are and what we are really, really into. Which means I know that I can tie him up and laugh at his sexy frustration and I can be certain he will find it equally sexy that I can enjoy myself so much by teasing him.

I also know where to draw the line. When our scene ends, words are of affection and affirmation. It is beyond important for Bakji to know that the things said during play, are part of our play and not part of our non-kink time together. I don’t randomly name call over dinner, or declare that I am everything and he is nothing when we’re discussing ideas for the podcast. I say lovely things like ‘I fancy you’ and ‘you’re pretty’, and that affords me the opportunity to verbally berate him and tease him mercilessly when we are doing kinky things together.

One of the common things that come up on forums about BDSM, or even about sex, is not knowing what to say. Whether that’s for humiliation play or for sexy talk. I would have said the exact same thing, I also would have said that the idea of speaking during intimate moments was a no go for me. When I started Topping Bakji though I noticed that I started doing this completely naturally. Often all I will do is point out how hard he is, or how badly he wants to kiss me and just the very act of pointing out his very obvious desire and arousal is enough to get the erotic humiliation ball rolling. For anyone who thinks this seems really low level kink and doubts it’s effectiveness I urge you to give it a go, with consent of course.

This all might sound a little bit stereotypical Dominatrix, and I think that probably stops a lot of people testing the waters with humiliation play, but I think it’s worth noting that I do all this with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. Even when you reach the realms of extreme humiliation and degradation, you can still embrace an element of fun when doing it and one would hope that you’re doing it to share an awesome and kinky experience with your bottom, and if that isn’t something to smile about then I don’t know what is.

As with everything I chat about on this blog, I’m no expert, and there is much to be discussed beyond my own personal experience. If humiliation is something you’re curious about though and have been nervous to try, or cautious to discuss with a partner, then this is me saying it’s okay to start small and it’s okay to not know where to being but to still want to try.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Do We Build Our Friends Up, Or Tear Them Down?

When we spoke to Page from Poly.Land a few weeks back, she discussed how since being polyamorous and developing her ability to enjoy compersive feelings, this had not only occurred with romantic relationships but also with friends. That conversation has been rattling around my brain lately, as I pondered the question; Do we build our friends up or do we tear them down?

I think everyone’s instant reaction would be ‘of course I don’t tear my friends down’, probably with a certain level of outrage for it even being suggested. Which I get, I don’t want to think I ever do that either. However, do we always support people as fully as we can, especially if their endeavours may outshine our own?

IMG_3443At the weekend myself and Bakji went to our local peer rope group. So many of our friends were doing awesome rope, suspending partners, suspending friends and even suspending themselves. Me? I was rolling around on the floor with Bakji randomly tying rope in any old fashion and generally having a giggle with it (see picture for the resulting randomness of tying one human to another). No part of me felt crap about that though, in fact I got all the happy feels seeing them all do so well. Sure I could have sat there and somehow made it their fault that I haven’t learned as much rope as them, but quite frankly that’s the dumbest thing ever. Yet some people still go down that road.

We also have friends who run small businesses, write blogs, record podcasts and run fetish events. Promoting #ProudToBeKinky takes up a huge amount of my time, but where I can I promote and support my friends endeavours too. I do this because I believe in my friends, and I want them to succeed. I don’t sit there coming up with dastardly plans on how to outdo them, or how to muscle in on their success. I guarantee someone is sat reading this thinking ‘who would do that?’, people, that’s who. Sometimes I wonder if they realise they’re doing it.

I have come to realise though that not everyone is like this. Some people seem to actively hope others will fail, or that some kind of unpleasant situation will befall them. Just in case that person’s success overshadows their own, or maybe out of envy that their own situation isn’t where they want it to be. I’ve seen people keep resources to themselves to hinder other people’s learning and I’ve witnessed people downplay other people’s good news, even when they’re the smallest of wins.

I’ve been on the receiving end of these things too, and I’ve sat there thinking to myself, ‘do they know their comment comes of as, ‘oh that, that’s nothing’’. Even though I delivered the news with a bouncy excitement, so clearly to me it was something. I’ve also had people think it’s their place to pass negative comments or twisted observations on my relationship, be it a past or a present one. In a moment when I wasn’t asking for input. So I’m basically sat there going ‘what the fuck?, why would you say that?’

I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’m not. I do get that feeling when someone I’m less than fond of is doing something I want to do, or even doing something I’m not but their a roaring success at whatever it is. It’s that ‘urgh why them’, type thought. But you know what, I always check myself, before I wreck myself. Before you ask, yes, I am totally cool enough to use that phrase. The reason I don’t dwell on those thoughts and let them manifest is why shouldn’t someone else have good things, just because we maybe had a falling out, or we don’t get along for other reasons. That’s no reason for me to wish them anything but good luck in life. Also I think holding onto that level of negativity settles inside you and ends up poisoning your own life.

When people let those ‘why them’ type thoughts not only take root, but allow it against their own friends, I find that somewhat baffling. Failing at something, or having a bad experience can have really horrid long terms effects for some people. Not everyone is good at bouncing back. For creative endeavours especially it can be really disheartening if you think no one is interested in what you’re putting out there. That’s why I’m always so grateful to those people who stop by my blog and read my thoughts, and to those who press the like button or leave a comments, that’s even more awesome. To know you’re not speaking to the void is a lovely feeling.

I find I end up distancing myself from those people who constantly seem to have negative things to say about their friends, I’m always left wondering ‘what on earth to they say about me when I’m not here?’ Are they hoping my endeavours will fail too? Or that my relationship will crumble? I work damn hard on all those things, so the fact that anyone could be hoping for their demise is really quite annoying. Especially as I would never do them the same disservice.

Through the podcast and also this blog, the list of people I’m willing to champion has grown. We’ve connected with so many awesome people, and they’ve all got their own voice and their own messages to share, and in some cases products to sell. So here is my big list of friends, who I either know in real life or have made an online connection with and the their endeavours. Please do give them a little visit and see what you think.

Off The Cuffs: a kink and BDSM podcast -Podcast

Parking Lot Radio – Podcast

Will Sean Podcast – Podcast

Drinks With God – Podcast

Take Back Your Sex – Podcast & Blog

Black People Kink – Podcast

Loving BDSM – Podcast

SlapStick Club – London’s Most Puckish Fetish Club

Master M Hatter – Books, MMH Jute Rope & Rope jewellery, Shibari Tutorial

Cheshire Cat – Diary of a slave Blog

Nicholas Tanek – Great books about kink, life and love

Page Turner and Poly.Land – Blog and Book about Polyamory

Nookie Notes Books, Facebook group, Dating site, you name it Nookie has it going on

Kitten Treasures – for all your furry ear and tail needs, plus much more

CollaredMichael – Journey into Male Chastity

 

Reader Q&A: How Do I Find a Partner to Push my Limits?

Every now and again via one medium or another that I regularly frequent, I will have some ask me for advice. First off I am touched that they think I seem like I have enough knowledge or experience to assist them, and second of all, I really can only offer my own personal perspective on any situation. So while I am more than happy to offer my advice to anyone who pops up in my inbox, please bear in mind that when I have my own problems I have to go elsewhere for advice, so unfortunately I don’t have all the answers, nor do I claim to.

Today’s question, which I am going to paraphrase, is: How can I find a Dom/sub who will push my limits and take me into new realms of BDSM explorations?

Let’s deal with some definitions first, for anyone reading and wondering what the heck I’m talking about. Limits equate to, what someone will not do (Hard Limit), what someone is hesitant to do (Soft Limit). If you are playing with someone who is safe and respectful these will be adhered to at all times. If you are currently playing with someone and they are ignoring your limits then please stop playing with them.

Anyway, back to the question at hand. When searching for the elusive Dom/sub for you, you might need to be very patient. When you take into account that only a small portion of the population are into BDSM. Then factor in the fact that when you get to the scene many of them may be in relationships or not actively seeking a partner for other reasons. Out of the small amount of people that are left that could possibly be a match for you, not only do you need to have interests that align but you also need to have some attraction and chemistry between the two of you.

Say all those conditions play to your advantage though, and you meet someone who you fancy the pants off and they feel the same about you, so you’ve talked a lot and you’ve discovered you have similar kinks and fetishes. If in that instance your thinking ‘Brilliant! Let the limit pushing commence’, you may be disappointed.

People have limits for a reason and those reasons are vast and varied. Some of the reasons may be similar to these:

  • They have no knowledge of that particular kink
  • They are simply not aroused by it
  • It may be a trigger for them
  • They might think it’s ‘icky’, the squick factor should not be underestimated.
  • They may have had a poor experience with it in the past

When you think about the reasons people have their limits, the idea of then pushing them past those limits becomes tricky. They have to be 100% receptive to wanting that limit pushed, and if you are a sub wanting a Dom to push your limits, they need to be willing to tread waters that could get a bit murky.

That’s not to say many of us don’t push our limits willingly, or find our limits have shifted as our relationships have developed. We definitely do, I think most people involved in BDSM for any length of time find themselves enjoying something they once thought wasn’t for them.

If however you have something you really want to explore, and just cannot wait to do so and you can’t envisage ever meeting anyone who will engage in your particular kink with you, then Pro-Dommes may well be your answer. By no means am I saying that this is the answer for everyone. However, I do think Pro-Dommes offer a really valuable service to the BDSM community. Not that this is necessarily an easy win. You still need to find someone you gel with, and who offers the type of Domination you require. It may well be a speedier path to self-discovery than waiting until you meet someone at a munch for example.

I also think it’s important to know why you want your particular limits pushed, in what way you want them pushed and if it’s even possible. Just because we’d like to do something, doesn’t mean we can. Sometimes there are physical and/or emotional barriers to exploring a particular kink that shouldn’t be ignored or pushed past. Even if that isn’t the case for you, it may be case for someone you’re playing with so it is always worth bearing in mind.

Myself and Bakji have been playing together for a little over 18 months, neither of us have handed the other a list of limits that we want pushed and felt like play wasn’t worthwhile if that wasn’t happening. What we have done though is spoken openly and honestly about what we really enjoy, what we’re not that into and what our limits are. As time has gone on and our trust in each other has built, the kinks and fetishes that are available to us enjoy have definitely expanded.

For example when we first started playing together any play involving feet wasn’t really on my radar, however since I began Topping using my feet as part of our scenes is quickly becoming one of my favourite things to do. However, that is very specific to Bakji. I’ve never really liked my feet being touched, for personal reasons I won’t bore you with. So while limits can change, like many things in BDSM they are fluid, and they can be put back in place at any given point.

It’s also worth noting that just because you’ve seen someone indulging in a manner of play with someone else, and then if they choose to play with you that specific act is cited as a limit, that is totally acceptable and not at all uncommon. It comes back to the gaining of trust. That other person might have spent weeks, maybe months working on that particular kink or scene with someone. Nobody gets to come along and demand or expect that same level of play or interaction until they too have put in the required time into that person.

I think the biggest factor in what has made me reconsider what limits I have with Bakji is the fact he has invested in me as a person. So I know that even if one of my hard limits was one of his favourite things, while he might be disappointed it would absolutely be okay, and we would focus on all the other things we both enjoy.

So in summary, my top tips for finding someone to push your limits are:

  • Be patient
  • Build trust
  • Be honest & open (with yourself & your partner)
  • Invest in you partner (remember they are a person, not a Fetish Delivery Service)
  • Give as much as you take
  • Start small. Some things are easier to tackle than others.

 

Licentious Labels & Being a Kinky Nomad!

Before I start I want to be really clear that this piece is very much a personal reflection, it really is all about me and not for one minute how I expect anyone else to approach the subject. I do however love hearing about other people kink evolution, so please do share any thoughts you have on the subject matter.  

In my previous post ‘Debauched Dynamics & Letting Go of Labels’, I spoke briefly on how I sometimes have trouble adopting and using labels to identify my sexual or kink orientation. I then shared some thoughts on my Switch identity in ‘Let’s Talk About – Communication’.

One of the reasons I feel less inclined to adopt one particular label in terms of kink, is the feeling that one label doesn’t quite say it all. Yet some of the broader labels, don’t feel quite focused enough. So basically labels can’t win with me.

While I am a big fan of the idea that we shouldn’t need labels to traverse either non-kink or kink life, I appreciate that for many people they play an important part in their identity, and in identifying potential play partners when it comes to kink labels. So I am by no means belittling their use, I’ve just always struggled to own and feel comfortable with my own labels.

However, as I discover more about my kinky self, it becomes easier to see how well some label fit me and why I possibly never quite felt comfortable with others. I think my subconscious was always working against me when I was trying to fall in line with a state of being that wasn’t quite true to my full nature.

Anyway it’s time to massively contradict myself and have everyone wondering if in fact I actually love labels and my main issue is just that I can’t wear all my hats at once so to speak. Time to discuss what roles I do identify with and a little bit about why.

Switch

This is relatively new for me, I’ve always known there was a small part of me that would enjoy Topping, but I always thought it was such a tiny part of me that it was almost insignificant. I also saw it as more of a Service Top element, so I could do it if I was asked to, but the pleasure would be in offering that service not the Topping itself. As you might have read though, in my post ‘The Joy of Topping’, that is absolutely not the case. I both sides of the D/s slash with equal fervour. Currently I’m on a run of Topping and I think Bakji might have to wrestle me to take the Toppy reigns back. Partly because there’s just no fun  in giving in easily. I now wonder if part of the reason I discard my submissive role so easily was because I knew at some point it wouldn’t be a good fit.

Kinkster

I think this is a pretty accurate summary of my general kink personality, I love D/s but I’m not hardcore in protocol, I love Latex in a fetishy way but I’m probably not yet at the level of some fetishists, I’m into pain play but it’s not my primary love. So I think my wide ranging interests make Kinkster a really good fit, why I don’t use it is anybody’s guess. Just sheer bloody mindedness I think.

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Latex dress and Leggings by Westward Bound

Fetishist

When I first tried Latex, it was just to have a go and see what it was like and even though the first piece I tried was only a mid-range piece, I instantly loved it. I knew then I would definitely want to get more, what I did not know was how far this new found passion would go. It is only with Latex that I began to understand what it meant to have a Fetish for something. More about that in an upcoming post though.

Rope Top

When I went to my first every rope munch I tried my hand at tying a TK, and I just couldn’t take to it. Handling the rope, learning the ties, all felt so strange to me and I just could not see me ever enjoying it. When my Toppy side started to refuse to shush until I let her out to play though, rope as a Top became of interest. This time round while the learning was still a challenge it did at least make sense. I now have enough rope skill to hand that I can use it effectively when Topping. Which still feels like such a massive accomplishment.

Rope bunny

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My favourite photo from being a rope bunny

Oh the joy of being a rope bunny. It is a truly wonderful experience, that I am exceptionally inept at describing. It was the first thing I did in a kink sense that gave me a feeling of belonging. It also gave me moments of peace and haven to rest in when my mind and heart were cluttered with too many thoughts and feelings to sort through. I am on a bit of a bunny hiatus at the moment, but I know for sure I will be back in the ropes one day.

 

Sadomasochist

For me this is definitely one that is ‘under construction’. I definitely enjoy both causing and receiving pain in play. Where I land on the scale of both sadism and masochism feels like it is in a vastly evolving state at the moment. I haven’t been doing much in the way of masochistic play of late, which seems to be pushing that side of me in a more extreme direction, at least in my mind’s eye anyway. As for the sadistic side of me, I’ve spent a long time suppressing that desire refusing to indulge or enjoy it. Slowly but surely though, she is coming out to play. Albeit on a tight leash at the moment, I’m sure in time though I will grant myself more freedom to play in that particular way. Especially as Bakji seems to be a fan of mean streak!

So that’s me in a kinky nutshell, all those parts ebbing and flowing within me at all times. Some rising to the top one day and falling to almost a whisper at some points, yet they always remain, which is what makes pushing one forward as my primary role feel so tricky for me.

Thankfully I am growing accustomed to being something of a Kink and Fetish nomad, and that pressure I felt in my early days of being on the scene to define myself is gone. I enjoy being all facets of my kinky being, and I’m having all the fun in the world using all of those part of me in play.

Let’s Talk About – Communication!

I spend a lot of my time on the internet in forums where people are asking questions about their sex life. How to improve it, how to spice it up, concerns about sexual health or sexual performance. One of the most common responses to almost any question asked ever, is, ‘Communicate/Just talk/Just ask’ and many other variations on that theme. While I absolutely agree that communication is key, and that we should all be having open and frank conversations with our partners about what we enjoy sexually, I wonder if some people realise just how hard that can sometimes be.

Since I became involved in the BDSM lifestyle my ability to communicate effectively has become better and better. However in my non-kink relationships, I found it excruciating to discuss sex. I found saying ‘the words’ difficult, I found the pressure to have and talk about fantasies made me feel incredibly anxious and more inclined to withdraw from sexual activity rather than engage in it. Which reminds me of another forum conversations that is quite common;

Q: I want my partner to talk about their fantasies but they say they have none, what do I do. A: Just keep communicating, everyone has some kind of fantasy.

It drives me nuts when I see a word like ‘everyone’ in these kinds of contexts. In the world of sex, be it kinky or not, I do not think there is a one rule fits all for any aspect of it. Yet even enlightened and open-minded people seem to fall into this trap more often than seems helpful. When I was in a non-kink relationship, and had not yet discovered I was interested in kinky things, I really had no fantasies to voice. I just wanted my partner of the time to take charge and make the sexy things happen. I realise now this was probably a fantasy in and of itself, but at the time it was seen as laziness and selfishness, where it more like my sexual submissiveness showing it’s face.

Even now that I am well aware that I am kinky, as a submissive I really struggle to come up with ideas for scenes I’d like to do. As a Top it becomes a lot easier. Luckily for me though Bakji is amazing at knowing what he enjoys as a sub, he is a one man sexy idea machine and it’s brilliant because it gives me so much information to allow me to plan fun and sexy scenes with. However, even though we are constantly wittering on about something, usually the 90’s, the podcast, or new things to look up on wikipedia, neither of us are huge fans of sitting down and verbalising more delicate things. So we found out own way of communicating very efficiently what kind of things we’d like to add into our kinky repertoire.

We use an app called Trello. Which is a project management app. It allows the user to create various boards, and within those boards create lists, with various cards upon each list. Cards and/or lists can be moved around, edited and archived at any time and boards can be shared with other users. We have a ‘Kinky, Sexy Fun’ board where we share all our ideas about kinky thing we’d like to do together.

Not only has it allowed us to communicate in an effective way, but it’s also opened up the door for us to talk about things that we may be a little more shy about. Even with a kinky partner it can sometimes be a bit daunting to bring up a more unusual kink, or one that you are not entirely sure the other person will be into. It is a whole lot easier to do that sometimes without the other person looking at you. Maybe in an ideal world no one would worry and we could all just be incredibly open no matter what. But in light of that not being the case, why not embrace ways that help you communicate in a way that suits you.

It often seems that anything other than verbal communication is viewed as slightly less valid, and not entirely ‘proper’ for a grown up. While I completely agree that some conversations absolutely need to be done face to face, I think there are lots of times where there is no need to put yourself through that if you will find it tricky, when another option is available. Especially as once you start communicating in any way, it tends to make all manner of communication a lot easier.

I have found that since Bakji and I started our Trello board, we have tried lots more kinky things together. Which has grown the intimacy we share, and brought us closer together. Because of that I feel more confident in communicating other things too.

I have somes issues surrounding the more emotional side of my being, and it is definitely taking time to feel comfortable communicate those things. I am noticing though that this is something I am improving on. Things that might be troubling me tend to be dealt with the day it occurs, or at least within a day or two. Previously I was spending weeks and weeks worrying about something before mentioning it, because I had no idea how to even begin communicating what I needed to.

Even some of the feelings that most people perceive to be good can be a struggle for me to open up about. The closeness that has come from exploring and evolving alongside Bakji does however make it a little less daunting to admit I am in fact a big old softy.

The point I am trying to make, in a somewhat roundabout way, is don’t force verbal communication if someone finds it causes them to shut off rather than open up. Be open to finding a way that will aid conversations but won’t leave one partner feeling anxious or under pressure. Yes it might take time, and may not be an immediate fix, but who knows what results it could yield if given a good chance.

Also if someone does communicate something, don’t dismiss it because it’s not what ‘everyone’ else would say or because it’s not what you want to hear. We are all unique, in both what we think and feel, and in how we communicate those thoughts and feelings. Some of us perhaps more unique than others, and what seems like an easy conversation for others can be tough for some people.

So if you’re reading this and there’s a topic you’re struggling to approach with your partner, or something you’d like to encourage them to talk about, take a minute to consider new approaches to communication. Maybe it won’t work, but who knows, maybe it will.

What I’ve Learned From Switching

In my last blog post I mentioned that I would soon be doing a piece on labels, and how I feel about them. For the record I mean labels like ‘Dominant, masochist & little’. Not labels you find on tins of beans or ketchup bottles. I’m afraid you’ll have to go elsewhere for your food label fetish needs. This isn’t quite that blog post, but I am going to talk about one of the many labels that could be used to describe me. Switch.

I’m still not entirely sure I’ve accepted fully that I am a switch. All the evidence points to the fact I am. However it has been a surprise to me how much I love being on the dominant side of the D/s dynamic. So it’s still something I am processing, and I am learning more and more about how to Top and the ways in which I enjoy Topping every day. Putting these thoughts aside for the moment though, I want to talk about what I love about switching. Not in general terms but in the personal ways I’ve experienced it.

I’ve always know that Bakji was a switch. Even though I initially assumed he was a sub. Watching someone get their bum whipped will do that to a newbie who hasn’t thought past people being Dominant or submissive. However when he made his Toppy intentions clear, the submissive in me jumped at the chance to play with him. I think I’ve said this once or twice before, but in case anyone missed it, he’s bloody gorgeous and he wanted to do Shibari fun with me, my Princess Parts were beyond excited.

It never occurred to me that his submissive side would impair his ability to be a good Top. Unfortunately though this is a school of thought some people on the scene still have. I have never been able to figure out that logic. If anything I think the fact he enjoys both aspects of D/s made him a better Top for me.

Even though I had an inkling that Bakji would like to try switching with me, I was so grateful to him that he never pushed the matter when I declared myself out of the running when it came to Topping. I knew deep down it was something that interested me, but less than successful previous attempts made me feel like I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. That didn’t stop me finding what he enjoyed as a submissive interesting. Whenever he spoke about what he was or wasn’t into I listened carefully. Just in case the time ever came were I was brave enough to give Topping a go.

I don’t remember what the turning point was in my wanting to Top him. All I know is that time and time again I’d look at him all manly and sexy, and I wanted to know what it would be like to to see another facet of who he is. When he Tops me he is steely eyed and determined, he can melt me in a second and I love every minute of it. When he subs though, his eyes sparkle, with a playful eagerness. He comes to me with promises of submissive rebellion, and he puts up a good fight, usually, until he gives in and that moment, where his body language shifts and he looks at me like he can’t see anything else, that moment is glorious.

I always thought there was nothing that would make me as vulnerable to someone as submitting, whether it be sexually, or as a masochist or as a rope bottom. When I submit in those ways I am indeed vulnerable, but subbing shows sides of me that I am used to showing, and that people have more often than not embraced. When I Top Bakji though I am starting to show and enjoy sides of myself I have never quite been able to be proud of. That makes me feel far more vulnerable than anything I’ve ever done when subbing has. To have him enjoy and encourage me as a Top, without criticizing or causing negative thoughts has been really liberating.

Another thought that was challenged when I started Topping was that it was my submissive side that got caught up in feelings. Sometimes I surprise even myself with the ridiculous things I think. I held my subby side fully responsible for ‘the feels’, all adoring and eager to please. Clearly, I though,  it’s the submissive in me that controls the emotions too. So imagine my horror, when I noticed that after a good old Toppy session those feelings increased ten fold. That the level of adoration I felt for Bakji didn’t decrease or even stay the same, instead it skyrocketed.

The fact he is willing to put his trust in me as I learn, and experience new things is really lovely, and just one of the many reasons I am so taken with him. He is full of ideas and knowledge of what kinky things he enjoys, and he is happy share those things with me and allow me to use that information to plan and play out kinky scenes. It has given me the opportunity to try new things and discover new likes. Some things we have discovered we enjoy together, where previously our interest was minimal or non-existent and that has also been a lot of fun.

It’s nice to know though that if I suddenly get the urge to come over all subby, Bakji knows just which buttons to press to make that happen and these past few months of Topping him haven’t had an effect on how much I love subbing for him. The thrill of his hand against my throat, is not minimised because I now know the pleasure of my own hand pressed firmly to his neck. If anything it’s all become more fun. Everything feels amplified for knowing the other side of the slash is still there to be enjoyed. Also as I once saw someone say on Instagram, ‘Payback’s a bitch when you play with a Switch.’ Which is so very true, when you know that whatever you give out will come back to bite you on the bum (quite literally if your partner is into biting), it gives an edge to play that I really enjoy.

I think the final thing I enjoy about switching is again a personal thing and may not apply to everyone, but I like the fact it removes a certain amount of pressure to be one thing or another. It allows me to flow fluidly day by day. I spent a long time feeling I had to be one a certain way, or  make certain choices,both in kink or in non-kink life. Switching allows me to let go of all the shoulds, and shouldn’ts, which is more beneficial to me than I could have realised before I gave it a go.

Debauched Dynamics & Letting Go of Labels

On the most recent episode of #ProudToBeKinky myself and Bakji invited some friends on to do a guest episode on their dynamic. I won’t go into too much details about that here, as they explain it far better themselves in the podcast, the reason we invited them on though was to talk about their Mistress & slave dynamic.

While I certainly know other people who engage in a 24/7 dynamic or have a high protocol D/s relationship. Chatting to our guests certainly made me reflect upon how my personal feelings have changed towards whether or not I would like that kind of dynamic for myself.

When I first joined Fetlife, but before I had joined the Fetish scene I identified as submissive. When I looked around Fetlife it appeared from the posts I read and the pictures I saw, that the ultimate goal for any submissive was to be owned and collared. I didn’t really know what that meant to me. I had no idea what factors would have to be in place for me to be happy in that scenario, or if indeed it would work for me at all. However, in my naivety I figured it must be what I wanted because it seemed to be ‘the norm’.

Looking back I realise how daft that was. I also know that a 24/7 dynamic would not work for me, in any way shape or form. I can’t even please myself 24/7, let alone someone else. I realise that even in 24/7 dynamics people still go to work, have off days, raise children and still manage their dynamic quite happily. But I know for me I just couldn’t. Mostly because I couldn’t handle a marriage under those circumstances, so I don’t think the addition of BDSM would suddenly work miracles.

Once I joined the Fetish scene, I got to see more dynamics at play, and got to meet more people who all experience their kinks in a variety of ways. I started to realise that I had a lot to discover about myself and a lot of kinky things to explore before I made any hard and fast decisions about labels & roles.

I decided to remove my ‘submissive’ role from Fetlife, partly because I hated all the messages filled with assumption that came with being an unowned submissive on Fetlife, and partly because I didn’t want to pigeonhole myself. I had seen a lot of people shift in terms of how they identified and I wanted to give myself the room to do that too.

Since then I’ve discovered I do in fact enjoy Topping, to the point that identifying as predominantly submissive is now unlikely. I’m going to do another blog post soon about my kink orientation so won’t going into detail about where I fall on the spectrum in this post. I will say though that I don’t think I could have learnt what I have about myself without shedding the submissive label and without removing all my expectations of future relationships.

I think like many people joining the scene I had this romantic notion of how my life as a Kinkster would pan out. In reality kinky life is as regular as non-kink life in many ways, just with spankings and rope. I didn’t find a wealth of perfect Dom’s and submissives that never put a foot wrong. What I didn’t find though was lots of really wonderful people, some Dominant, some submissive, some that identify as neither. Shock horror, you can be kinky and not identify as Dominant or submissive. Who knew! What all these people have in common though is that they’re doing kink their way and none of them really care how other people are doing their kink, so long as they are being risk aware and carrying out their kinks consensually.

I realised that what I needed to do was do kink my way and find out what worked for me. Luckily I have gotten to do that while playing with Bakji who knows himself pretty well. From the moment we met he was self-assured and had all his kinky ducks in a row. Which whether intentional or not has given me the conditions I needed to figure some of my own kinky gubbins out. He has never placed expectations on me, and has never made me feel like there was any need for me to be anything other than myself.

So that’s what I’ve done, I’ve spent time being myself, while also being kinky. Turns out that works pretty well for me, and I’m actually really happy with that being where I’m at. I’m happy to enjoy my kinky life without trying to strive to have the dynamics other people have.

I think it can be really easy, especially when you’re new to the kink scene, to get weighed down by all the labels, dynamics and protocols that are available. I don’t think anyone would judge a person for not knowing right away what worked for them, or changing their mind on where they’re at. Especially as you meet more people, I think the people we meet and the friends we make have a huge influence on who we become as not only a kinkster, but as a person.

I count my lucky stars that I have met good, and kind people, who have given me a safe environment in which to grow. That includes people like the guests on the podcast episode that inspired this piece, because without people who are willing to openly share and discuss their own kinks and fetishes, it would be impossible for the rest of us to learn and grow.

So to anyone new to the scene, or to anyone feeling like they no longer fit their chosen kink label; don’t panic, don’t have a meltdown and don’t run away. Take a deep breath, find a good kinky friend to confide in and just be yourself.

Coming Out of the Kinky Closet

So technically, I’ve had two coming outs! I’m greedy like that! There’s my ‘I’m not straight’ coming out and my ‘I’m into BDSM’ coming out. On both counts I’m pretty much entirely out of the closet and that closet is now full of Latex, whips and sex toys. So basically opening it takes me to a sexy Narnia.

I’m going to focus on my kinky coming out though as this writing was inspired by the most recent episode of #ProudToBeKinky podcast and kinky coming outs was this weeks topic.

I’m very lucky in many respects. Firstly I have a job that allows me to be open. My work colleagues all know about my proclivities and while none of them are kinky (that they’ve admitted to me yet) they’ve all be very accepting and have asked lots of questions so they have a better understanding of what it is I enjoy.

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The kind of thing I now keep in my kinky closet!

While most questions have been insightful and I’ve really enjoyed covering topics like cross-dressing and D/s with them. Some questions can’t help but make me giggle. My favourite one being ‘so do you know the names of anyone at the parties you go to?’ When explaining that the people I have met on the scene are my friends so of course I know their names, I was met with a look of astonishment and the follow up questions of, ‘so it’s not all masked orgies and secret handshakes?’ Er …. no, not so much. I’ve been on the scene nearly two years and haven’t been to one orgy, be it masked or not. Maybe I’m hanging out in the wrong crowds after all! Where are my orgy invites people!

I’ve also explained to my dad and my ex-partner that I visit Fetish Clubs and go to BDSM parties. My reason for this is more practical. Should anything ever go awry and I or Bakji need to phone and explain there’s been an issue or accident preventing me from getting back home, I don’t want where I am to be a shock. It is a far fetched scenario and I hope a totally unfounded worry. But it was enough of a thought in my head that I decided to have those conversations.

My dad as it happens is probably my greatest supporter. His main worries for me are; am I happy? And am I safe? He knows the answers are a big yes to both so he has moved on to more frivolous questions now. For example, is my latex tight and have I seen many gimps at my parties! He is also open about what his daughter gets up to with his friends, prompting an evening long conversations with his partner and another couple about what Fetish clubs might be like. As open as we are with each other I live in fear of him asking me to take them one day!  

I haven’t really had any negative experiences. However I do think my decision to not tell some people has created a distance between us that can be hard to bridge. My foray into the Kink world also marked a start of many new beginnings for me though, and in some cases I’ve had to make the hard choice of new life over old.

Despite the fact I can often sound quite blasé about my level of openness about my lifestyle, none of the decisions to talk about my interests have been easy. You never know how people will react and you can’t control their opinions of you once they’re in the know. All you can do is be armed with information and be willing to answer many, many questions.

So, if you’re sat reading this thinking that there really are people you would like to open up to about your lifestyle, here are my tops tips for coming out as kinky:

  • Start slow, if you’re polyamorous, a 24/7 slave, living full time in Latex, while earning a living as a cam-girl, that can be a lot for someone to take in.
  • Try to avoid too much scene lingo. Words like rigger, bunny, furry and little take on new meanings once you join the scene. But simple explanations like ‘I enjoy intricate, pretty rope bondage’, actually conveys something that most people with be able to derive meaning from.
  • When talking about things like Fetish clubs, I always focus on how good it is to be able to dress to excess and mix with like minded people. As opposed to pushing the dungeon and play side of things.
  • As previously mentioned be prepared to answer a lot of questions, I have a ‘no question is too personal’ approach and will share as much as someone asks of me. However if talking about the intricacies of your sex life isn’t your bag, then it’s okay to answer questions while still keeping some personal boundaries.
  • People like to know you’re happy, and cared for. Things like impact play, bondage and power exchange don’t scream ‘I am cared for’ for those not in the know. So focusing on the emotional side of BDSM may be of benefit.  
  • Be mindful that people might need time to process. Shock may well give way to understanding, so don’t write people off if they are a bit taken aback at first.

If you’ve just read this and are thinking to yourself that coming out as kinky really isn’t for you, please don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for that and never let coming out as kinky be anyone’s decision but your own. Out or not, either decision is as valid as the other, and every individual knows which path is right for them.